Friday, May 7, 2010
Prayer request
Remember a few days ago I said I was praying for God to give me faith and wisdom regarding what He says about healing? Well, through an interesting and unexpected channel (a friend of a friend of a friend type thing), God is opening my eyes to some things that are new to me. I ask that you'd pray with me - for increasing wisdom and a child-like faith as I seek to understand God's truth. I know this is pretty obscure right now, and once I have more clarity I will share more. But for now, please pray with me. Thank you all!
Wednesday, May 5, 2010
Thank You
Thank you to everyone who offered to come to Houston, or offered frequent flyer miles, or hotel points or babysitting. I appreciate all of these offers more than you know, and will perhaps take you up on them sometime in the future!
Frustration and Tantrums
I sort of had a tantrum last night. I took about 15 minutes to cry my eyes out to Matt, and yell about how unfair all of this is, and how angry I am, and how I don't want cancer...that I just want to be a normal mom with normal mom worries. I feel I should be honest about every part of this journey, including the really hard times, and yesterday was a hard time. So was the early part of today.
I woke up this morning with an overwhelming feeling of dread. I knew I had to plan my trip to Houston, and I just didn't feel I had the energy to do so. First I made my appointments, which begin at 11 a.m. on Tuesday the 11th. They cannot tell me on what day I will be done. Perhaps it will be Friday the 14th, or perhaps it will spill over into the next week. For a Type A over-planner like myself, this is a difficult thing to not know. But God is refining my personality, that is for sure.
Little sidebar: please pray that I can come home with a treatment plan on Friday the 14th. My cousin Emily is getting married on the 15th, and I very much want to be there. I realize this is a want and not a need, but it would be very sad for me if I'm not able to go.
Anyway, back to the travel plans. I was really hoping M.D. Anderson's travel services department would help us get cheap flights. The cheapest they had as of this morning was $1200/person, and the Rotary House where I would have liked to stay has a 3-4 week waiting list. Talk about being frustrated! I got the names of some area hotels along with a few options for cheaper flights (including, but not limited to, calling the airlines' customer service reps and begging for cheaper rates) and I passed this information on to my mother-in-law who was happy to do some of the leg work. Thank goodness. I just could not bring myself to do it at that point.
During the time she was calling, I went to work on my crabby attitude. I read in the book "Jesus Calling" about being thankful, so I talked to my mom (who came to spend a good part of the day with me) about things I was thankful for. There are so many, even in the midst of such fear and heartache. Also I decided to look at this Houston trip as a vacation (with a few stops at the medical center along the way).
While I was doing all that, my mother-in-law was making phone calls. One of the places she called was Angel Flights, and long story short, we got 2 free plane tickets to Houston! Thank you Southwest and Angel Flights, and thank you God for providing! We also got a discounted hotel rate through a friend who works for a large hotel chain. (Thank you B & J!)
Plus, we will be blessed in Houston with the presence of my dear long-time friend Rachel (Pavlovic) Campbell who will be joining us to help care for Eva.
Now, the other news. In the interest of being completely honest with you, my back pain has returned along with some intermittent pain under my ribs in the front. Do not be discouraged by this. I am not. I continue to pray for healing.
Now, for the real issue. My daughter hasn't pooped in almost 2 days, poor little lady. Darn formula. When she reads this years from now, she's going to hate me for writing this, isn't she?
I woke up this morning with an overwhelming feeling of dread. I knew I had to plan my trip to Houston, and I just didn't feel I had the energy to do so. First I made my appointments, which begin at 11 a.m. on Tuesday the 11th. They cannot tell me on what day I will be done. Perhaps it will be Friday the 14th, or perhaps it will spill over into the next week. For a Type A over-planner like myself, this is a difficult thing to not know. But God is refining my personality, that is for sure.
Little sidebar: please pray that I can come home with a treatment plan on Friday the 14th. My cousin Emily is getting married on the 15th, and I very much want to be there. I realize this is a want and not a need, but it would be very sad for me if I'm not able to go.
Anyway, back to the travel plans. I was really hoping M.D. Anderson's travel services department would help us get cheap flights. The cheapest they had as of this morning was $1200/person, and the Rotary House where I would have liked to stay has a 3-4 week waiting list. Talk about being frustrated! I got the names of some area hotels along with a few options for cheaper flights (including, but not limited to, calling the airlines' customer service reps and begging for cheaper rates) and I passed this information on to my mother-in-law who was happy to do some of the leg work. Thank goodness. I just could not bring myself to do it at that point.
During the time she was calling, I went to work on my crabby attitude. I read in the book "Jesus Calling" about being thankful, so I talked to my mom (who came to spend a good part of the day with me) about things I was thankful for. There are so many, even in the midst of such fear and heartache. Also I decided to look at this Houston trip as a vacation (with a few stops at the medical center along the way).
While I was doing all that, my mother-in-law was making phone calls. One of the places she called was Angel Flights, and long story short, we got 2 free plane tickets to Houston! Thank you Southwest and Angel Flights, and thank you God for providing! We also got a discounted hotel rate through a friend who works for a large hotel chain. (Thank you B & J!)
Plus, we will be blessed in Houston with the presence of my dear long-time friend Rachel (Pavlovic) Campbell who will be joining us to help care for Eva.
Now, the other news. In the interest of being completely honest with you, my back pain has returned along with some intermittent pain under my ribs in the front. Do not be discouraged by this. I am not. I continue to pray for healing.
Now, for the real issue. My daughter hasn't pooped in almost 2 days, poor little lady. Darn formula. When she reads this years from now, she's going to hate me for writing this, isn't she?
Tuesday, May 4, 2010
Houston, Here We Come!
My appointment with Dr. Evans was uneventful. He wants me to go to Houston to see Dr. Varadhachary, as he cannot diagnose me. I asked if the cancer could be liver primary, and he said yes, it could be. But he can't say anything definite.
Tomorrow I call for my appointment at M.D. Anderson. I'm hoping I can get in next week, get diagnosed, and start treatment right away. While the idea of chemo scares me, the thought that there's cancer in my body scares me even more. But Jesus says "Fear not." So I pray for courage and strength.
I am so grateful for Dr. Evans' NP, Beth. She has been so kind, and as we left today she gave us hugs and said she would be praying for me.
Please pray that I won't get too depressed about not being able to breastfeed Eva if I start chemo. I get sad when I think about it.
I also pray for healing. I've been telling God about all the reasons that He should keep me around. I've told him that whether He heals me or not, I am His servant for all the rest of my days. But then I beg that those days are long so I can spend more time with my dear husband and family and see Eva grow up.
I echo the words of David in Psalm 30:
To you, O LORD, I called;
to the Lord I cried for mercy:
"What gain is there in my destruction,
in my going down into the pit?
Will the dust praise you?
Will it proclaim your faithfulness?
Hear, O LORD, and be merciful to me;
O LORD, be my help."
You turned my wailing into dancing;
you removed my sackcloth and clothed me with joy,
that my heart may sing to you and not be silent.
O LORD my God, I will give you thanks forever.
Tomorrow I call for my appointment at M.D. Anderson. I'm hoping I can get in next week, get diagnosed, and start treatment right away. While the idea of chemo scares me, the thought that there's cancer in my body scares me even more. But Jesus says "Fear not." So I pray for courage and strength.
I am so grateful for Dr. Evans' NP, Beth. She has been so kind, and as we left today she gave us hugs and said she would be praying for me.
Please pray that I won't get too depressed about not being able to breastfeed Eva if I start chemo. I get sad when I think about it.
I also pray for healing. I've been telling God about all the reasons that He should keep me around. I've told him that whether He heals me or not, I am His servant for all the rest of my days. But then I beg that those days are long so I can spend more time with my dear husband and family and see Eva grow up.
I echo the words of David in Psalm 30:
To you, O LORD, I called;
to the Lord I cried for mercy:
"What gain is there in my destruction,
in my going down into the pit?
Will the dust praise you?
Will it proclaim your faithfulness?
Hear, O LORD, and be merciful to me;
O LORD, be my help."
You turned my wailing into dancing;
you removed my sackcloth and clothed me with joy,
that my heart may sing to you and not be silent.
O LORD my God, I will give you thanks forever.
Monday, May 3, 2010
Cars & Women
I almost titled this post "breast feeding" but thought that may turn off some of the men reading this blog. Hence the new title (could I be anymore stereotypical?). This post actually has nothing to do with cars or women. Well, unless I count as a woman, which I suppose I do...
But I digress. It is frustrating to me that no one seems to know how long x-ray dyes and barium and radioactive tracers stay in your body or whether or not they are excreted in breast milk. I am trying to feed my baby as much as possible before I have to start chemo and switch to formula, and I have some people telling me "wait 8 hours" and others telling me "wait 2-3 days." So yeah, frustrating. There's my rant for the day.
My bone scan from today came back fine. Thank you God! I spoke with Beth about the pathology, and they have it narrowed down to 3 things. But let me say before I say what those three things are that you're going to hear that scary "P" word again, and I'll explain why it keeps coming up but isn't anymore of a possibility today than it was before. They have narrowed it to pancreatic, bile ducts inside the liver or bile ducts outside the liver. I asked Beth, "WHY do they keep saying pancreatic when my pancreas is fine??" She explained that the Pathologist at Froedtert doesn't look at any of my other scans or results. He only looks at the samples, and he has come to the same conclusions that the original Pathologist did. So nothing has changed. They have not found anything since last week that now makes them think it is pancreatic. They still just don't know. I will eventually see an oncologist who will put the pieces together.
Next step: an appointment with Dr. Evans tomorrow at 5:00 p.m. to talk about where we go from here. Please pray that there is a way for them to definitively diagnose me, and that they diagnose me with something that can be easily treated. A few weeks back, I would have thought myself nuts for praying this prayer, but here it is: God, please have them tell me it's liver cancer, and that it can be treated.
I also have to say how grateful I am for our dear family friend from way back, Marge Voigt. She spent the day with Eva and myself at the hospital, and then cooked dinner for Matt and me. She was wonderful encouraging company, and I very much appreciate her spending the day with us. Oh, and she also cleaned up Eva's exploding diaper while I was in my bone scan. :)
Alright, time to go pump & dump my radioactive breast milk. That's the reality.
Peace to you!
But I digress. It is frustrating to me that no one seems to know how long x-ray dyes and barium and radioactive tracers stay in your body or whether or not they are excreted in breast milk. I am trying to feed my baby as much as possible before I have to start chemo and switch to formula, and I have some people telling me "wait 8 hours" and others telling me "wait 2-3 days." So yeah, frustrating. There's my rant for the day.
My bone scan from today came back fine. Thank you God! I spoke with Beth about the pathology, and they have it narrowed down to 3 things. But let me say before I say what those three things are that you're going to hear that scary "P" word again, and I'll explain why it keeps coming up but isn't anymore of a possibility today than it was before. They have narrowed it to pancreatic, bile ducts inside the liver or bile ducts outside the liver. I asked Beth, "WHY do they keep saying pancreatic when my pancreas is fine??" She explained that the Pathologist at Froedtert doesn't look at any of my other scans or results. He only looks at the samples, and he has come to the same conclusions that the original Pathologist did. So nothing has changed. They have not found anything since last week that now makes them think it is pancreatic. They still just don't know. I will eventually see an oncologist who will put the pieces together.
Next step: an appointment with Dr. Evans tomorrow at 5:00 p.m. to talk about where we go from here. Please pray that there is a way for them to definitively diagnose me, and that they diagnose me with something that can be easily treated. A few weeks back, I would have thought myself nuts for praying this prayer, but here it is: God, please have them tell me it's liver cancer, and that it can be treated.
I also have to say how grateful I am for our dear family friend from way back, Marge Voigt. She spent the day with Eva and myself at the hospital, and then cooked dinner for Matt and me. She was wonderful encouraging company, and I very much appreciate her spending the day with us. Oh, and she also cleaned up Eva's exploding diaper while I was in my bone scan. :)
Alright, time to go pump & dump my radioactive breast milk. That's the reality.
Peace to you!
Sunday, May 2, 2010
Promises
Another busy weekend comes to an end. Our dear friends Andrew and Sarah Wroblewski came from Appleton on Friday and took us to dinner at Cheesecake Factory. Their little guy Theo is 10.5 months old, and this was our first time meeting him. Saturday night was a cookout at Ryan and Kristi's (my cousins). We brought Eva with us, and she was such a good girl. She really loves people and activity! We didn't get home til 11...another late night for us old folks. :) Today we went to church with Matt's family and then to brunch with them at Lake Park Bistro. I'd never been there before. It was so yummy. It was an early Mother's Day celebration since my sister-in-law Liz's husband Nick goes back to Iraq this week and won't be with her for her first Mother's Day. :( Please say a prayer for them (Liz, Nick and their 11 month old daughter, Anna...our sweet niece) as they go through more difficult months apart. After brunch we went to my grandma's and had dinner there with my family. Such wonderful happy times!
Of course I can't pretend that every day, no matter how wonderful, isn't darkened by looming scary thoughts. For a moment I'll almost forget about the cancer in my body. Then it all comes back to me...and each time, it seems to hit me like a brick.
I can't pretend that it's easy for me to accept what is happening to me. While doing menial tasks for Eva (changing a diaper, feeding her) I can't help but think about how WRONG this all is. I'm 26. I've always been healthy. I have a wonderful husband and a tiny perfect baby (she's 3 months old today!) and I should NOT have to be thinking about whether or not I'll still be here for her 1st birthday. But we live in a fallen and imperfect world. So while I do recognize the unfairness of it, I will not let that take over and let bitterness rule in my heart.
Then there's the fear. Every ache and pain I have makes me wonder if I'm becoming symptomatic. These last few days I've felt bloated and had some minor stomach pain. Who knows...it could be the stress of everything! But of course it makes me think the cancer is rapidly spreading. Oh Lord, why is it so hard to trust you?
Anyway, tonight as we were driving home from Grandma's, I was feeling very depressed. Another week ahead with no assurance of answers. Another week, full of so many hours of being alone with Eva; just me, her and my thoughts. More fear to fight. More negative thinking to rebut. It's exhausting. Today was a beautiful sunny day, but as we were heading home it started to rain. It was an isolated cloud, surrounded by blue sky, so Matt and I looked for a rainbow. It wasn't long before we saw one...complete and bright,
reaching from one end of the sky to the other. I thanked the Lord out loud as peace flowed over me. As God first used the rainbow to remind Noah of His covenant with him, I took it today to be a reminder of all the promises God has made to me. He has promised to take care of me, to carry my burdens, and to meet my every need. I looked at Matt and said, "Everything's going to be alright, isn't it?" He said yes, it would be. But then he's known that all along. I admire his faith.
So this week will be hard, no doubt. But I know I will be carried through it. Here is what I ask for prayer for:
I appreciate you reading this. I keep hearing of all the people I don't even know who are keeping up with my journey. I can't even believe that so many would be interested in my little life. But I do SO appreciate every single person who reads and who remembers me in prayer. You are my precious warriors.
Of course I can't pretend that every day, no matter how wonderful, isn't darkened by looming scary thoughts. For a moment I'll almost forget about the cancer in my body. Then it all comes back to me...and each time, it seems to hit me like a brick.
I can't pretend that it's easy for me to accept what is happening to me. While doing menial tasks for Eva (changing a diaper, feeding her) I can't help but think about how WRONG this all is. I'm 26. I've always been healthy. I have a wonderful husband and a tiny perfect baby (she's 3 months old today!) and I should NOT have to be thinking about whether or not I'll still be here for her 1st birthday. But we live in a fallen and imperfect world. So while I do recognize the unfairness of it, I will not let that take over and let bitterness rule in my heart.
Then there's the fear. Every ache and pain I have makes me wonder if I'm becoming symptomatic. These last few days I've felt bloated and had some minor stomach pain. Who knows...it could be the stress of everything! But of course it makes me think the cancer is rapidly spreading. Oh Lord, why is it so hard to trust you?
Anyway, tonight as we were driving home from Grandma's, I was feeling very depressed. Another week ahead with no assurance of answers. Another week, full of so many hours of being alone with Eva; just me, her and my thoughts. More fear to fight. More negative thinking to rebut. It's exhausting. Today was a beautiful sunny day, but as we were heading home it started to rain. It was an isolated cloud, surrounded by blue sky, so Matt and I looked for a rainbow. It wasn't long before we saw one...complete and bright,
reaching from one end of the sky to the other. I thanked the Lord out loud as peace flowed over me. As God first used the rainbow to remind Noah of His covenant with him, I took it today to be a reminder of all the promises God has made to me. He has promised to take care of me, to carry my burdens, and to meet my every need. I looked at Matt and said, "Everything's going to be alright, isn't it?" He said yes, it would be. But then he's known that all along. I admire his faith.So this week will be hard, no doubt. But I know I will be carried through it. Here is what I ask for prayer for:
- Continued prayer for healing, peace and strength
- Wisdom for the doctors as they figure out what's specifically wrong with me
- If possible, a diagnosis from Froedtert so I don't have to go to Houston (the logistics of taking that trip with Eva give me a headache)
I appreciate you reading this. I keep hearing of all the people I don't even know who are keeping up with my journey. I can't even believe that so many would be interested in my little life. But I do SO appreciate every single person who reads and who remembers me in prayer. You are my precious warriors.
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