Home

Ah, we're home. Things went okay at M.D. Anderson. Many of the areas that they saw cancer in have shrunk, but two areas have gotten bigger. Because of this, Dr. V is changing my chemo. I now have to go every 2 weeks instead of every 3, but the new regimen will supposedly be easier on my body. I didn't even bother reading the side effects. I'd rather not know.

I will just keep on believing that my next scan will be cancer free. I was disappointed that this wasn't the one, but it's coming. I know it is.

In the meantime, please pray for me as I press on. Right now I feel just fine physically, but there is a weariness in me that is difficult to explain. Please pray for strength.

Oh, for the fun of it I'm going to tell you about our day yesterday. It was a little insane. Well, to add to the insanity you need to hear about Wednesday first. We left home at 4 a.m. for our 6 a.m. flight, parked in the remote lot at the airport in Milwaukee, caught our flight to Houston and arrived with enough time to eat lunch before I had to check in for my blood work and CT scan. After all the lovely CT scan prep (eww, eww, gag, gag), I finally got my scan at 7:30 p.m., and we got back to the hotel around 8:30...exhausted of course.

So yesterday I had my appointment with Dr. V at 8:30 a.m. and then we went back to our hotel to get the rental car and head to the airport. We got there at about 11 a.m. so we tried to change our flight from a 3:30 p.m. to a 12:10 p.m. 12:10 was full, so we asked to be put on standby. Turns out that plane had a stop in Orlando, and so even if we got on the 12:10 in Houston, there was no guarantee of a seat on the Orlando to Milwaukee leg, and if we didn't get on that one we'd be stuck in Orlando overnight. So scratch that, we stayed on the 3:30. I had such a desire to get home and see Eva that I was pretty upset we couldn't get on the earlier flight, but such is life. We hung out at the airport 'til about 2:30 when I got an automated courtesy call from Southwest saying that our 3:30 flight was now scheduled to depart at 5:45. Oh, and did I mention that there's no such thing as a direct Southwest flight from Houston to Milwaukee? No, this 3:30-turned-5:45 flight had a scheduled stop in Dallas and Kansas City before landing in Milwaukee so we'd be getting in VERY late. Anyway, this delay just about put me over the edge emotionally. I was not happy. I woke Matt up from his nap and asked if he wanted to try to get on a flight to Chicago instead. So we went to the counter and asked to switch to the Chicago flight departing at 3:15. God bless that ticket counter lady. She switched our flight, took one look at me and said, "Do you want to pre-board?" and gave us a "pre-board for disability" pass. Um, I didn't think I looked THAT bad, but I guess the free flight passes from Angel Flights plus the head scarf plus the fact that I'm pretty sure I laid my head on the counter in a "I am so done" way while she changed our flight added up to her making the conclusion that we needed to pre-board. I don't usually like to do anything that allows me to identify as "sick" if I can in any way avoid it, but whatever. We pre-boarded. Matt made a call to Amtrak to book tickets from Chicago to Milwaukee on the 8:05 p.m. train and we flew to Chicago arriving around 5:30 p.m. We hopped on the Orange Line train (good thing we know our way around Chicago), ironically passing by our city apartment (which we still have for another 9 days or something) and hopped off at Quincy to go to Union Station. We got to Union around 6:30, had a couple of cheap beers while we waited, and then got on the Amtrak at 8:05. We arrived at the Milwaukee Airport Amtrak stop at about 9:30 and got on a shuttle to take us to our car. (the Amtrak lot is not the same as the remote lot we'd parked in the morning before. Wow, was that just a day ago??) We asked the driver if he could take us to the "A Lot" and he said, "Yeah, I'll take you there" in a voice that clearly stated he would take us, but he wasn't happy about it. As he pulled into the lot, he asked where we were parked. Matt told him, "I don't really know. Just drop us off at the main shuttle stop and we'll find it." And, the dude says in his obviously annoyed tone, "Why didn't you just park in the Amtrak lot?" AHHHHHH, I didn't know whether to laugh or cry, but I will tell you this much. Dude was just lucky that: 1.) We are both pretty non-confrontational and 2.) We were both too tired to say much of anything anyway.

Unbelievable.

But anyway, new subject. Here's where I'm at tonight (besides exhausted as we just got home from a day at the zoo). God is good. He is healing my body, even if the physical evidence isn't there yet. I don't understand why I'm not better yet (or wasn't at the time of the scan) but I believe that I have a destiny that includes me surviving for many many more years, and so I WILL be healed.

Thank you all for your prayers. I ask that you continue to pray for my strength as I battle both physically and more importantly spiritually. John 10:10 says "The thief comes only to steal and kill and destroy; I have come that they may have life, and have it to the full." So I claim that "life to the full" is for me, and know that cancer is NOT life to the full. I will be well and I will have life to the full once again. Please pray that I have the strength to hang on to such promises.

Thank you all!!

Houston

Another long overdue post. My time to write gets shorter and shorter as little Eva chose 6 months of age as her preferred time to start crawling/scooting/dragging herself across the floor. Whatever you call it, she gets where she wants to go, and she does so rather quickly. Un momento as I go redirect her toward toys and away from electrical outlets...

Anyway, I wanted to let you all know a couple of things.
1. My tumor markers continue to go down. Praise God!
2. Wednesday and Thursday of this week I go to M.D. Anderson for a CT scan (Wednesday afternoon) and an appointment with Dr. Varadhachary (Thursday morning). Matt is coming with me, and Eva is staying with Grandma Jeanette.

Please pray for our trip and the results of the scan. I am believing wholeheartedly that eventually my body will catch up with what my spirit already knows, and I will have a clean bill of health. I am praying that this would be the scan that shows I am cancer-free. Please join me in that prayer.

Also, as mentioned on this blog before, I have pain that has come and gone away twice now in my upper left abdomen. The timing of it is bizarre (it comes 1 week before I have chemo, and goes away when I get chemo). I talked to a nurse practitioner (Kristi) today, and she thought it could be related to the Neulasta injection that I get after chemo to boost my blood counts, because it can possibly cause spleen enlargement. But she seemed to think it was bizarre timing for it to be that. She offered no other suggestions though. Let me for one moment vent. I am SO SICK OF BEING A MEDICAL MYSTERY. But I have to just thank God that He knows all things, and that He is trustworthy and with me on this insane journey. That being said, the end of this week or early next week when the pain would be "due" to return, and I am just praying against that. I don't care what it's from, I refuse to let pain rule my life.

Oh, another piece of good news to share. I had my 4th round of chemo on Aug 5th, and this time the recovery has been the best yet. I had less nausea, very little loss of appetite, and less of the other horrid side effects that have accompanied my chemo in the past. Especially since I'm told that chemo side effects are often cumulative (they get worse each time) I find this awesome. I believe that God is carrying me through this and that is why it is not effecting me nearly as badly as it could.

So that's the update. A HUGE thank you to everyone for your continued support and prayers. For those who make meals or come to be with me and Eva after chemo, you are my angels. To my mom and Jeanette for sacrificing SO MUCH for us, you are amazing and I love you so much.

I will post more after I return from Houston. Bye for now!

Provision

I told my mom the other day that all of the formula we've been given for Eva is like manna from heaven. However, I was almost out. But I told her I wasn't going to buy more until I was totally out. When the Israelites tried to save manna for more than a day, it went bad. God provides right now, in THIS moment, and he wants us to rely on Him for the right now, and not worry about tomorrow. So it was just on my heart that I wasn't going to buy more formula until Eva literally had no more to eat. Within 2 days of telling my mom this, look at the provision!

This was all free in the past few days.

There has been SO much formula given to me. Since I had to stop breastfeeding, I have only had to buy 1 or 2 tubs of formula...probably what I would have bought anyway, even if I was still breastfeeding, to use for convenience. I am blown away by God's provision, and by the generosity of those who have given me their formula samples or just bought formula for Eva. We are so blessed and so grateful.

I've been having some pain lately. It's in my abdomen on the left side, and has been keeping me from sleeping. I asked God for relief on my birthday, and He gave it to me. I slept all night with no pain medication at all. The pain is back somewhat today, and I asked the doctor about it. His theory is that the chemo is causing inflammation in my bowels, and that is causing the pain. I pray against the pain, the root of the pain, and any other chemo side effects from today's treatment. I don't want to put up with this physical torment anymore, so I just pray against it, and pray that God's healing power will be upon me.

Thanks for all your prayers and support!!!

Time

As I mentioned, I've been busy. I apologize for the delay. But I have a little time now so I will let you know what's going on.

We closed on our house last Friday, and after cleaning and getting things ready over the weekend (with SO much help. THANK YOU to everyone who helped!) we began moving in on Tuesday. Now, pretty much all our boxes are unpacked though not everything is organized. It's functional, so the rest can be a work in progress.

Today, we bought a 2nd car. It's a 2007 Ford Fusion. Woohoo! Pictures to come... Now, no more spending money for a while. :)

Yesterday I made the mistake of letting myself begin to feel sorry for myself. We were unpacking while watching Eva learn to crawl (she's getting scary good), and I let bitterness creep in. I let feelings of "this would be the PERFECT life if I didn't have cancer" take root, along with thoughts of "God, what are you DOING? I'm trusting you to heal me, so why hasn't it happened yet?" And then, of course, one negative thought lead to another: I hate that I don't have hair and have to wear these stupid scarves. I hate that everything that's supposed to be joyful is overshadowed by this dark cloud. I hate that I've never abused my body yet this still happened. Hate hate hate. Wah Wah Wah.

Now, I'm not saying it's wrong to be sad once in a while, but letting these types of thoughts live for more than a moment is unfruitful and unhealthy and frankly disobedient. I am to be joyful in all things (yep, that's ALL things, even cancer). I am called to trust. I am told to take all thoughts captive (2 Corinthians 10:5) and make them obedient to Christ. To me, what that means is to stop these thoughts in their tracks and not let them go where they please. When I do let them go where they please, I end up like last night, in bed sobbing, feeling sorry for myself. When I take thoughts captive, which I am generally in the habit of doing, I am joyful and faith filled. It is where faith exists that I give God room to work. And more than ever, I NEED Him to work in my life.

I am praying for my relationship with God to become more real than it has ever been. I don't want the relationship to be all about my healing. I want it to be about knowing Him and understanding His love and letting that love transform me. I feel like I'm on the brink of something big. I'm not sure what, but it's going to be amazing.

I never wrote about this, but a few weeks back my brother and I went to Minnesota to the Andrew Wommack Gospel Truth Seminar. I had hoped to meet Andrew and have him pray for me, but it didn't work out that way. Instead, I met a woman named Melinda who is head of their prayer team. She was one of those people who I just trusted from the moment we began talking. She has seen miracles happen: she has prayed for cancer to be healed before, and it has been healed. And her husband was a quadriplegic who was told he would never walk again or use one of his hands. I met him. He does both.

Anyway, Melinda prayed for me. She knew nothing about me except that I had cancer. I didn't spend time telling her my story like I do most people. She didn't pray for my spirit of fear to be gone, like other people have done (which was refreshing since I don't have fear.) She prayed for the cancer to die and leave my body in Jesus' name. Then she stopped and asked if I had any kids. I told her about Eva. She said, "You want more, don't you?" Now for those of you who don't know me, I have always had one dream and that is to be a wife and a mother. I have always wanted 6 kids. I have always known that I would fight to have a good marriage and choose to love and respect my husband in all things. When I first was diagnosed I was sitting at Pizza Hut with my mom and I was angry. I was telling her that while I knew God could do great things with me through this trial, this is NOT what I wanted my ministry to be. I wanted to be a good wife and a mom, and help other people to be good wives and mothers. THAT is what I wanted my ministry to be. Anyway, back to Melinda. I told her that yes, I wanted to have more kids. She smiled and said something along the lines of, "You will. You'll have lots of kids. I can just see them all with you. And...you'll help other moms who are having trouble. That is your purpose." I began laughing through my tears. It was God reassuring me that he has a plan for my life, and it is not to end here or anytime soon and that he will give me the desires of my heart. I have never had anyone speak about my future like that, especially someone who doesn't know me. It was powerful, and I am grateful for the experience.

Well, I should go. I think Matt and I are going to play some Mario Kart Wii and then go to bed. I will try to write more often now that I should have more time.

-Please pray for my physical health as I approach another round of chemo on 8/5. I dread these treatments more than anything.

-For perseverance as I press on in faith. I am struggling with worrying about what other people will think as I step out in radical faith, so I pray for complete abandon to His will.

-For Matt and me - for our marriage as we face trying and stressful times.

Busy Busy

Just a quick note to say I'm sorry I haven't been writing. Ever since recovering from my last round of chemo, I have been SO BUSY!! We're closing on our house in 2 days, and are in the process of moving and doing all the lovely things that accompany moving.

Things are going fine, but I would ask for your prayers. For Matt and for myself, I ask for prayer for a childlike faith that doesn't question what God is doing, but just believes.

Hi :)

I just love this picture. It's from Bay Beach that day I was supposed to go to chemo but didn't. :) I love how ever since we were dating, Matt would invite me to sit on his lap, but I would protest that I'm too heavy. He would say "No you're not." So I would sit, and he would inevitably at some point make some kind of groaning noise indicating that yes, in fact, I was too heavy. I think something like that happened in this picture. :)

Chemo has once again knocked me on my keester (not gonna lie...I had to look up how to spell that since it's not my standby alternative-for-backside term) and I hate it more than ever. I just keep praying that if this really is the way that God has planned healing for me, He will continue to give me strength to get through it.

The good news, however, is that the most prominent effect from it this time is exhaustion. Not the awful GI stuff I've had the last 2 times. For this, I am grateful. So very grateful.

As one of my inspirations, Niki Ochenski Weller, who went through 5 long years of illness before being healed said, "I used to tell God, 'I can do anything for half a second.'" I've felt that way many times over the last few days. God is there, always, without fail, in that half a second. He is NOW. He is not in the "What happens next time I have to go for treatment? Who will take care of Eva? How will I get through moving into a new house?" or the zillions of other things I could be worrying about. He is in the right now this instant. And in this very instant He is faithful. Of course He does hold my future, but we're not there yet. We're here, in this half of a second. And I thank Him for always being there.

More Info

I just spoke to the nurse practitioner Lindsey, and got some more information. For those of you who want medical details, here you go!

The latest scan was done at Waukesha Memorial. The scan that they're comparing it to was done at Froedtert. Since it was a different machine I'm told they can't compare the two scans in regard to size of tumors. (which to me begs the question, why didn't they do a scan when I first started treatment at Waukesha Memorial to use as a baseline?) But whatever...

-On a previous scan, they had seen a 6mm nodule in one of my lungs. It is no longer there.
-My enlarged lymph node has shrunk considerably. My M.D. Anderson scan had it at 10cm. It is now measuring 3cm.
-The large tumor in my liver has shrunk
-My tumor markers continue to go down. CA 125 was in the 200's, 2 weeks ago was at 87.2 and is now 74.5. CEA was in the 400's, 2 weeks ago was 125 and now is 110.61.

One thing that I need to work on is my belief that God can heal cancer. Of course on an intellectual level, I know that He can because He can do anything. And experientially, I've heard of so many stories of cancers being cured. But from time to time, it will enter my mind that cancer is especially tough. I'm sure this is because compared to a sinus infection, medically, it IS much tougher. But God who knitted me together in my mother's womb and created my inmost being (Psalm 139:13) and is able to do imeasurably more than all I ask or imagine according to His power that is at work within me (Ephesians 3:20) can surely take care of a little (or a lot of) cancer.