As I mentioned, I've been busy. I apologize for the delay. But I have a little time now so I will let you know what's going on.
We closed on our house last Friday, and after cleaning and getting things ready over the weekend (with SO much help. THANK YOU to everyone who helped!) we began moving in on Tuesday. Now, pretty much all our boxes are unpacked though not everything is organized. It's functional, so the rest can be a work in progress.
Today, we bought a 2nd car. It's a 2007 Ford Fusion. Woohoo! Pictures to come... Now, no more spending money for a while. :)
Yesterday I made the mistake of letting myself begin to feel sorry for myself. We were unpacking while watching Eva learn to crawl (she's getting scary good), and I let bitterness creep in. I let feelings of "this would be the PERFECT life if I didn't have cancer" take root, along with thoughts of "God, what are you DOING? I'm trusting you to heal me, so why hasn't it happened yet?" And then, of course, one negative thought lead to another: I hate that I don't have hair and have to wear these stupid scarves. I hate that everything that's supposed to be joyful is overshadowed by this dark cloud. I hate that I've never abused my body yet this still happened. Hate hate hate. Wah Wah Wah.
Now, I'm not saying it's wrong to be sad once in a while, but letting these types of thoughts live for more than a moment is unfruitful and unhealthy and frankly disobedient. I am to be joyful in all things (yep, that's ALL things, even cancer). I am called to trust. I am told to take all thoughts captive (2 Corinthians 10:5) and make them obedient to Christ. To me, what that means is to stop these thoughts in their tracks and not let them go where they please. When I do let them go where they please, I end up like last night, in bed sobbing, feeling sorry for myself. When I take thoughts captive, which I am generally in the habit of doing, I am joyful and faith filled. It is where faith exists that I give God room to work. And more than ever, I NEED Him to work in my life.
I am praying for my relationship with God to become more real than it has ever been. I don't want the relationship to be all about my healing. I want it to be about knowing Him and understanding His love and letting that love transform me. I feel like I'm on the brink of something big. I'm not sure what, but it's going to be amazing.
I never wrote about this, but a few weeks back my brother and I went to Minnesota to the Andrew Wommack Gospel Truth Seminar. I had hoped to meet Andrew and have him pray for me, but it didn't work out that way. Instead, I met a woman named Melinda who is head of their prayer team. She was one of those people who I just trusted from the moment we began talking. She has seen miracles happen: she has prayed for cancer to be healed before, and it has been healed. And her husband was a quadriplegic who was told he would never walk again or use one of his hands. I met him. He does both.
Anyway, Melinda prayed for me. She knew nothing about me except that I had cancer. I didn't spend time telling her my story like I do most people. She didn't pray for my spirit of fear to be gone, like other people have done (which was refreshing since I don't have fear.) She prayed for the cancer to die and leave my body in Jesus' name. Then she stopped and asked if I had any kids. I told her about Eva. She said, "You want more, don't you?" Now for those of you who don't know me, I have always had one dream and that is to be a wife and a mother. I have always wanted 6 kids. I have always known that I would fight to have a good marriage and choose to love and respect my husband in all things. When I first was diagnosed I was sitting at Pizza Hut with my mom and I was angry. I was telling her that while I knew God could do great things with me through this trial, this is NOT what I wanted my ministry to be. I wanted to be a good wife and a mom, and help other people to be good wives and mothers. THAT is what I wanted my ministry to be. Anyway, back to Melinda. I told her that yes, I wanted to have more kids. She smiled and said something along the lines of, "You will. You'll have lots of kids. I can just see them all with you. And...you'll help other moms who are having trouble. That is your purpose." I began laughing through my tears. It was God reassuring me that he has a plan for my life, and it is not to end here or anytime soon and that he will give me the desires of my heart. I have never had anyone speak about my future like that, especially someone who doesn't know me. It was powerful, and I am grateful for the experience.
Well, I should go. I think Matt and I are going to play some Mario Kart Wii and then go to bed. I will try to write more often now that I should have more time.
-Please pray for my physical health as I approach another round of chemo on 8/5. I dread these treatments more than anything.
-For perseverance as I press on in faith. I am struggling with worrying about what other people will think as I step out in radical faith, so I pray for complete abandon to His will.
-For Matt and me - for our marriage as we face trying and stressful times.