No New News

I just wanted to let you faithful readers/warriors know that there is no new news on the medical front. I continue to trust that God has healed me. I have moments where I doubt and begin thinking like a "normal person", but then I just remind myself of all the things I've learned in the past 3 months. God is so good and kind. He wants me well. He took away my back pain before I began treatment. He has given all believers power in THIS life to overcome sickness and disease and oppression. This is amazing revelation to me that I never knew before. And of course being a logical person, I would never believe it if there wasn't evidence of it. But miracles do happen and are happening every single day for those that believe! Just yesterday I talked to a pastor of a local church, and he told me about healings that have happened in their congregation as recently as last Sunday. Praise God!!!

You know, I have always told people I had a relationship with Jesus. For instance, if someone asked if I was religious, I would say "no, not really" but would explain about my personal relationship with Jesus. Now I'm realizing something. Prior to 3 months ago, I was almost all talk. I'm not saying I wasn't a Christian or didn't know a lot about Jesus. I was and I did. I did my best to live a life that showed love and compassion. I strove to be a woman of grace and kindness. Once in a while, I picked up a Bible or prayed outside of church. But my approach to God was that His ways were above my ways, and I shouldn't even try to understand Him. I should just accept my lot in life as His will, and if times got tough, pray for the strength to get through. I thought I had the Christian life all figured out! So when cancer hit, I felt it important to maintain that stoic acceptance of my situation, and pray for the grace to get through each day. God met me where I was at. Even before I believed I would be healed, I had an amazing peace for which I will be forever grateful. The days would have been awful if it hadn't been for His peace, which the Bible says passes all understanding. It did. I was able to sleep, even when I thought I was dying.

I can't even begin to put into words (in one blog post that I'm trying to keep from running on and on) everything that I've learned these past 3 months. Maybe I should write a book or something. What an amazing journey! But one thing I have learned (or at least begun to learn...never again do I want to fall into thinking I have it all figured out) is what a relationship with Jesus really is. When you start to understand that in many ways Jesus DOES make sense, and he is NOT the author of chaos and confusion, you begin to realize how much He loves you. YOU! Personally, YOU! And that He would never give you cancer, just like a loving Father would never do anything to hurt their own child. Once that is established, He is someone you want to know, want to talk to, want to ask questions of. He says that those who seek Him will find Him, and I guess I never believed that to be true. I stopped seeking long ago, because I thought all I would find was someone I couldn't understand. I am not afraid to know Him anymore, because His perfect love has driven out all fear. I know I can trust Him each and every day.

One example of this is the PET scan I had Friday. Inquiring minds want to know "When will you find out? Are you nervous?" and my honest answers are "I don't know" and "If I let my mind wander and ponder it too much, yeah a little." But then I just go to Jesus and say "Jesus, I'm nervous about the results. But you promised to heal me. So I shouldn't be nervous, should I? Help me with my unbelief." And then I go about my day, taking care of Eva, seeing friends & family, and enjoying the abundant life that God has given me. What a gift it is to get to know Jesus!!!

I have some other exciting news unrelated to my health. Those of you on Facebook may already know. The offer on our house was accepted yesterday! We have no reason to think things won't progress smoothly, and we should close by July 23rd. I may have mentioned before that I believe God provided this house for us. So many things have fallen into place, and so quickly! It's just been amazing. When you realize God is in the details, you stop worrying and start praising Him for what He's done. It is so freeing!

Thank you all for your continued prayers. Here are a few things I'd like specific prayer for:
1. We need to return our rental car this week, and we can't buy a new one until after we close on the house. We do have some options to get us through in the interim, but none of them are ideal so I'm praying that God will take care of this detail.
2. A pure childlike faith for both me and Matt

Thank you!!

PET Scan, etc

Thanks all for your prayers today. The PET scan went well. No results yet, but we wait with joyful expectancy. I told one of the techs, Natalie, that I was healed, and she seemed really interested in what I had to say. She told me I should write a book or a journal or something. I told her I have a blog. :)

After they injected me with the radioactive glucose (seriously?) I had to lay still for an hour in a room by myself. I prayed, commanding any last tumor cells to leave my body in Jesus' name and then I dozed off. Natalie came back in after the hour was up and said, "Did you tell those tumor cells they had better leave your body before this scan?" I thought that was an awesome thing for her to ask, since I hadn't told her that's exactly what I had planned to do. Ha, or maybe they have a camera in that room. I hadn't thought of that until just now. :)

After the PET scan I had an appointment with a nurse practitioner named Lindsey. I hadn't met her before today. She's very nice.

She said that my blood counts look great. I then asked her if they'd tested my tumor markers. Now, at a previous appointment with Dr. Johnson, he said that "some went up and some went down." Ideally, he'd like to see them all come down. I found out more specifics from Lindsey today. She said that they've been looking at 4 separate markers. Two of the 4 have been trending down, but the other two have gone up. For the two that have been trending down, I don't have today's results yet because they have to send them out. But on the two that have been going up, she said, "I just looked at these numbers, and they've come down...well, I don't like to use the word substantially, but they've come down...a lot!" I asked her for specifics, and there was one that was over 400 two weeks ago that has come down to 100-something and the other was up over 200, and is now at 85. (Note: for those of you who are reading this and are oncology professionals, you're probably frustrated with my idea of "specific". I know one of these markers was the CEA, and I think the other was CA 19-9, but I can't be sure. Sorry!)

I asked Lindsey if this was what they would expect to see, and she said, "Well, this is very, um...I'm very excited about this, and I know Dr. Johnson will be too."

Thank you Lord Jesus for your kindness...for giving me more proof of what I am believing. By your stripes, I have been healed! (1 Peter 2:24)

Wow, there is so much more I would like to write about, but my dear sweet husband is home tonight after working almost 70 hours this week, and the princess is sleeping so I am going to go spend some much needed time with him.

Love to you all!

Oh, and I almost forgot. I think I changed my settings so now anyone can post comments, not just those who sign up. Just a reminder, if you do post a comment, please please sign your name so I know who you are. Thank you!!

Beautiful Day

I'm feeling back to myself!! I am so grateful. The aftermath of chemo is rather unpleasant. Okay, I'm being nice. It SUCKS!!! Sorry, had to complain. There, I'm done.

Last night I went to a get together with MOPS moms. It was great to just hang out and be normal. The women are so wonderful. Did I mention that they're paying for housecleaning for me for the summer? Isn't that just so amazing?

Today was a grand day. I was extremely motivated this morning, so I straightened the house, did laundry, cleaned out the fridge...all the stuff I have been neglecting since I've been pretty much on the couch (or - at the risk of being too crude - the toilet) for the past 10 days. After my cleaning spree, I went to my grandma's house and spent time with my family. My dear cousin Gina is in town from Denver so I got to see her there. Then Gina came over to our place and Matt, Gina and I took Eva for her first swim. She LOVED the water. At first she seemed a little unsure, but then she started splashing around. It was adorable. I love watching her discover new things. After the swim and dinner, Matt went to work (he's on night shift this week) and my brother Michael and cousins Emily and Paul came over. It's so nice to spend time with the people I love. :) I just wish Matt could have been here too.

I've saved the most exciting news for last. We found time last night to go see a house that we've been interested in for a while now. We absolutely love it, and are working on an offer!!! We're so excited. Matt and I both feel like it's just too good to be true how everything is falling into place with this house (I'll share some details at a future time), but as I told Matt yesterday, "I'm starting to realize that we have a God of 'too good to be trues.'"

Anyway, I should probably think about sleeping soon. Thanks so much for reading. I keep hearing about people that I've never met who read my blog, and I am always just awed that so many people want to read what I have to say. I hope I get to meet you all someday! And keep coming back. The best is yet to come!

Just a few random thoughts...

A quick update on my hair. It seems to have either stopped falling out or considerably slowed. But the damage is done. There's not much left. It looks quite freakish, and I have trouble looking at it as there's quite a bit of scalp showing. I've been wearing bandanas ($1 from Walmart!). Last night, Matt asked to see it so I finally let him. It was hard. I cried for a minute or so, but he hugged me and told me I looked cute in bandanas. He's such a sweetheart. Here's a picture of me getting chemo last Friday. (Eva and my mom went with me.)New subject: I wanted to share something that has just been so powerful to me. It's a 20-some minute-long testimony about a little girl that was miraculously healed a couple years ago. If you're having trouble believing that healing really happens today, or if you just want to hear an awesome story, take the time to watch this. I watched it during chemo last week. Oh, and I actually met this little girl's dad (Ashley Terradez) when I went to that Andrew Wommack conference the day we got back from Houston.

http://www.awmi.net/extra/healing/hannah

Have great days, all!

By His Wounds

1 Peter 2:24
He himself bore our sins in his body on the tree, so that we might die to sins and live for righteousness; by his wounds you have been healed.

When I first started this journey, I had never before understood that Jesus took our diseases as well as our sin when he died on the cross for us. I know this idea can be (and is) widely argued, but let me just say that I am an analytical person. I do not accept new viewpoints without thoroughly checking them out. So I've checked this out. I think the most convincing proof for me is that the people who believe this are miraculously healed. I am one of them.

Yes, I am ready to declare it. I have been healed! When I first found out that I had the PET scan scheduled for the 25th of June, I felt fear. I wanted to believe that I would be healed by then, but what if I wasn't? Then I'd need more chemo. And I didn't want more chemo! (honestly, chemo is awful). So I thought, I'll just need to pray really really hard that I'll be healed by then.

Then God spoke to me about this. As you can see in 1 Peter, it says by His wounds you have been healed. Past tense. I need to believe it, and accept my healing by faith. Once I realized this, I prayed that God would give me a pure childlike faith, free of doubt.

I know that some of you don't know me. And many of you do know me. And either way, I understand if you're thinking, "Oh, poor Rachel. Why not just wait for the scan? Why take a risk of saying you're already healed when you don't have any proof? You're setting yourself up for disappointment. Worse yet, you could make God look bad." Or perhaps, "Saying it or not saying it isn't going to change the outcome of the scan. Why set yourself up like this?"

Here's why: Mark 11:24 says: Therefore I tell you, whatever you ask for in prayer, believe that you have received it, and it will be yours.

Granted, I could just believe in my heart (and not tell all of you on my blog). That would at least keep anyone from being uncomfortable about my claim. But I reasoned in my head (see, I still am a reasonable person) that if the doctors said I was healed, I would rush to tell everyone. And I believe God more than doctors, and if He says I am healed, then I am healed. So there you have it.

Of course I still have "What ifs" pop up in my mind. But I don't entertain them. I get rid of them with the Word of God.

I am listening to Nichole Nordeman's song "Healed" right now. The lyrics are below. At my "I'm Healed" party that I previously mentioned, I plan to sing this. Or (dare I dream?) maybe Nichole Nordeman herself would come and sing it for us! Okay, now maybe I am losing it. :)
*********
Healed

Oh, We stutter and we stammer till You save us
A symphony of chaos till You play us
Phrases on the pages of unknown
‘Til You read us into poetry and prose
We are kept and we are captive till You free us
Vaguely unimagined ‘til You dream us
Aimlessly unguided ‘til You lead us home

CHORUS:
By Your voice we speak
By Your strength no longer weak
We are no longer weak
And by Your wounds we are healed
And by Your wounds we are healed

Passed over and passed by until you claim us
Orphaned and abandoned ‘til you name us
Hidden and disclosed ‘til you expose you hearts

CHORUS:
By your death we live
It is by your gift that we might give
That we might give
And by your wounds we are healed
And by your wounds we are healed

What kind of love would take your
shame and spill his blood for you
Save us by His wounds
By your wounds, we are healed
By your wounds, we are healed
What kind of love
By your wounds, we are healed
Tell me what kind of love is this
By your wounds, we are healed.

No worries :)

I've heard some folks are concerned about my well being since I haven't updated in a while. I just wanted to let you know that I am okay. I've been resting as much as possible after the chemo treatment Friday. Chemo is not a pleasant experience.

I want to ask you all for prayer. I have a CT scan scheduled for 6/25. I am beginning to believe that this could be the scan that declares me cancer free. I am asking God for this and believing, because there is no way that chemotherapy is God's best for me. I do not believe chemo is going to cure me. I believe that only God will do that. So why continue treatment? I do have an answer, but it must remain personal for now...so I just ask for your prayers.

Mark 11:24 Therefore I tell you, whatever you ask for in prayer, believe that you have received it, and it will be yours.

It's Just Hair...

It's just hair, right? It's not coming out in clumps, but it is coming out...everywhere! My wonderful stylist Wendi cut it short for me on Friday (see picture below) when I really noticed it coming out (and either she or someone else paid for it...not sure, but she wouldn't take money. She said it was taken care of. Have I mentioned how incredibly touched I am by everyone's generosity???). So now at least there's not long strands everywhere...just short ones.



I still don't know if I'll lose it completely or if it's just thinning. I just wish I knew what it was going to do, because this is very annoying. I am sick of untangling strands from Eva's fingers. If I KNEW I'd lose it, I'd probably just go get it shaved one of these days and start wearing a wig. But Dr. V said it would just thin, that I wouldn't lose it. And Dr. Johnson said I would lose it. So who knows. I hate to even spend this much time blogging about hair. I know that it's not that big of a deal. It grows back. I am being healed from cancer!!! What is hair in comparison with that? But it still is hard. I am committed to being honest with all of my readers, and this is not an exception. I LIKE my hair. Even more than that, I hate the thought of Matt having a bald wife.

Okay, on a happy note, we're looking at houses!! It's so exciting to think that in just a few months we will be homeowners. When I first was diagnosed, this was one thing I was very upset about. I didn't see how we could possibly think about buying a house when the future was so uncertain. But now that I know I am being healed, I have no hesitation about buying a house that we can grow old in together. It makes me so happy.

Also, I have been using my imagination a lot to picture myself well and whole, fully recovered. In doing so, I decided something. Once the doctors declare me cancer free (and I believe this will happen sooner than later) we will have the biggest party EVER! Every single blog reader will be invited, everyone who stayed with me through chemo, hung out with me, cooked a meal, cleaned my house, watched Eva, prayed for me, etc. (I think that means everyone I know and many who I don't know will be invited.) :) And it will be the most grand opportunity to give God the glory for what He has done, for He is my Healer, the giver of life, and I believe that He loves parties!

Alrighty, that's all for now. Have a good day. :)

Good Report

I had labs today and a visit with the nurse practitioner. All of my blood work came back great! I'm slightly anemic (I was even before chemo started), but my platelets are on the way up so that's a good thing.

Ah, but that's not the "good report" I have titled this entry after. The good report has to do with my back pain. Let me just give a quick recap of the story of the pain since I really don't know how much I've shared up until this point. I apologize if I'm repeating a lot of what you already know.

Over the past 6 or so weeks, up until the day of my chemo (Friday 6/21) my back pain had gone from slight (almost just an annoyance) to fairly severe. It was keeping me up at night and more than once I'd get out of bed to spend some time on the massage pad or with a heating pad. I went from taking Ibuprofen just at bed time to taking it throughout each day. Two weeks ago Wednesday, I found myself literally watching the clock to see when I could take my next dose. When I saw the doctor the next day (Thursday, the day before chemo) and told him about my pain, he wrote me scripts for Vicodin and Morphine. The one part I hadn't told anyone yet is that if I ate too fast, I felt like food was getting caught in my throat. I don't know how everything is connected in there, but it felt like whatever was pushing on nerves and causing the back pain was also causing this difficulty swallowing. (I would have told the doctor had it persisted.) I also felt full when I ate even just a little bit. There was a point toward the end there where I told Matt "I don't think I can hold Eva against me anymore. It hurts too much."

Dr. Varadhachary at M.D. Anderson had explained the reason for the pain. There was a lymph node in my abdomen swollen from cancer to about 4 inches in diameter.

Two weeks ago Wednesday (the day where I was watching the clock to take my Ibuprofen) is when I went to Madison to visit my old boss and friend Jacque who was miraculously healed by God last summer. I spent a wonderful afternoon with her catching up, and then we went to meet her friend Roger at church. Roger had prayed for her through her health issues last summer, and refused to believe that she would die even when the doctors said they had done all that they could. Not only did she not die, she is in amazing health now! Well, Roger, an elder at Lake City Church in Madison anointed me with oil and he and Jacque prayed in faith for my healing (meaning they prayed that I would be healed and believed that it would happen). I drove home that night in some pretty bad pain.

One thing Jacque had told me is that during her health struggles, she had a low point where even though she believed she would be healed, numbers from her blood work all came back with negative results. She asked God to show her that He was working. She had a vision of her kidneys unshriveling and her arteries opening. She believed God for what He had shown her, and her health was restored.

So on that Thursday two weeks ago - the day after Roger and Jacque had prayed for me - as my pain persisted, I prayed that God would show me something like He had shown Jacque. Now, I'm not one to say God told me this or God told me that just because I get an idea, but that day God told me that my 4 inch lymph node was now 3 inches. I'm not making this up. I told a few people about this (my mom and brother I think) but no one else, because duh...they'd think I was nuts.

That same day, I saw the doctor. That's when he gave me the scripts for Vicodin and Morphine. I didn't get them filled. Trust me, I'm not anti-medicine. I still had pain, but somehow I just didn't think I needed them.

That night, the night before chemo began, I had pain like never before. I was up during the night for a couple of hours, writhing on the couch. I put on some channel that shows scripture verses and pretty pictures from nature, and I just tried to get to sleep. I kept telling myself that God was healing me, but it sure didn't feel like healing! My physical pain was causing me to have some real anger, and I am pretty sure I punched the couch a time or two.

The next day was when I got my port put in and started chemo. While I was laying in the hospital being prepped for the surgery (by the amazing Polly and Kim) I noticed that my pain was different, even though it was still there. It had moved...shrunk. It had previously been engulfing my entire back and wrapping around to the front. Now it was centralized in one spot on my back, on my left side. It was still intense, but the fact that it wasn't everywhere was a relief. I hadn't taken any pain meds that morning because of the surgery, so it wasn't medicine that was making it better.

That afternoon I had chemo. At one point during chemo I had them bring me a warm blanket for my back (the pain was still only in that one spot). After that, it went away completely. That was while I was still there, in the hospital, with the chemo going into my body. I didn't think too much of the pain being gone because I figured I'd probably gotten all kinds of crazy meds for the port placement. But at one point I realized that my neck/chest hurt where they had put the port, but my back didn't hurt. I took some Tylenol for my neck. I think I took it one other time for the pain at the port site, but otherwise I have been completely off of pain meds since that day. I have also been completely free of the back pain, the difficulty swallowing, and the pressure.

Okay, well that was quite the recap. I'm glad I did that. It helped me organize some of it in my own brain. Hopefully you're not too bored. The best is yet to come. :)

Obviously, I've been grateful for the pain relief. I thank God every single day for it, multiple times a day. I had been hoping this meant His healing had begun in my body, but I just wasn't sure.

I have told my medical team about my pain being gone, and they seemed happy about it. I still wasn't sure though if it was something they expected to happen so soon. I know Dr. V had told me I would know before anyone else if the chemo was working because the pain would lessen, but I didn't expect it to happen so quickly. And to have it change to that one spot even before I started the chemo seemed so weird. I wanted some clarification about that.

So today I explained the whole thing to Melissa, the NP. I wish I'd had a tape recorder there so I could share with you verbatim what she said. My mother-in-law was with me, and just so you know I did ask her to verify that my recall of the conversation was correct. :) Melissa said that first of all, there is no way that the pain would be gone without the shrinking of the lymph node. That is the only way there would be pain relief. She also said that when she heard my pain was gone last week, she ran immediately to tell Dr. Johnson. They were very happy to hear this. She said it was beyond what they expected. She explained that with chemo, they usually expect pain to get worse before it gets better because things will get more inflamed before they shrink. She said it would normally be about 10 days before they'd see any pain relief. The instant relief that I had, she said, was "miraculous." Miraculous!!!

So here's what I know now. God's healing has begun in my body!!! I had to share with you all, because I'm so excited. I just can't wait for more miracles to take place. I hope you're as encouraged by this as I am.

^{Psalm 103
1} Praise the LORD, O my soul;
all my inmost being, praise his holy name.

² Praise the LORD, O my soul,
and forget not all his benefits-

³ who forgives all your sins
and heals all your diseases,

⁴ who redeems your life from the pit
and crowns you with love and compassion,

⁵ who satisfies your desires with good things
so that your youth is renewed like the eagle's.