I just spoke with the NP, Beth, about my test results. Let's praise God for a few things!
1. CT and PET scan showed nothing that we didn't already know about. Just the spots in my liver, around my pancreas and lymph nodes.
2. I asked Beth if we could officially rule out pancreatic cancer. While she didn't say absolutely yes, she said there is nothing at all in my pancreas and it would be "really wild" if that was it.
3. I am apparently top of mind for Dr. Evans today, who is reportedly one of the top minds in medicine. He is at M.D. Anderson doing a surgery today, and is talking to his old colleagues there about me.
4. Beth is just amazing and so kind. I am so grateful for her, her expertise and her caring nature.
The pathology from the biopsy is still being looked at. They also got the block of my liver from St. Mary's to retest and compare to the lymph node they took on Wednesday. I have a bone scan on Monday, which they think will be negative...but they want to cover all bases.
So, still a lot of unknown. But, as my CT scan tech Candie said yesterday, "We're crossing off the nasty ones."
Love to you all!
Friday, April 30, 2010
Clarification
I just wanted to clarify what I meant by being skeptical of my back pain being healed. I have no doubt whatsoever that God can heal and does heal. My doubt comes when I wonder why would He choose to heal me, yet not heal others. I am praying for my faith and wisdom to increase in this area.
Prayer
I wanted to write about a couple of things as I wait for news (hopefully today) from the doctor.
I went to MOPS (Mothers of Preschoolers) on Tuesday at St. Monica in Whitefish Bay. This is only the 3rd time I've gone, so I still am getting to know most of the women there. My dear old friend Jen (Shedd) Hawkins was there, as was my new friend Jackie Lesperance. They asked if it would be alright if they (and the whole group) prayed over me. More on that in a minute...
Just a little bit about my spiritual background for those of you who don't know: I was raised in a protestant non-denominational church, and made a conscious decision to follow Christ at 5 years old. (Granted, I didn't understand the enormity of that decision at the time, but in whatever way I could understand it, I made the decision then). I always felt that the non-denominational Christian church had it "right." Then I met my husband, Matt. He is an amazing devoted Catholic Christian with the kindest heart ever. Meeting him and his wonderful family opened my mind to a whole new idea of what the universal Christian church is. My prayer ever since Matt and I became serious in our relationship has been to, in some way, bring even a little bit of unity to the so many divisions in the Christian Church.
Anyway, back to MOPS. After the meeting, the women all gathered around me and laid hands on me and prayed for my healing, and also for peace and strength. It didn't matter at that moment that I am not Catholic, as they are. In fact, the prayer felt more like I was at a Pentecostal prayer meeting. :) This group of amazing women have been a source of encouragement, and have offered to help me with anything I need. They even bought me a year subscription to TherapEase Cuisine, a website that helps guide nutrition through cancer treatment. I have felt so much love from this group. I am so grateful to God for them.
I know we can't always expect instant results from prayer. God works things out in His own time and for His own purposes. However, I have to share this. For the past 3 weeks, until Tuesday, I have had back pain. It hasn't been too severe, but there were a few nights where it made it hard to sleep. I would take Ibuprofen, until they told me I couldn't anymore because of the procedures I had coming up. Then I switched to Tylenol.
After the prayer on Tuesday, my back pain went away. I have not felt it since then. Trust me, I'm as skeptical as the next guy when it comes to things like this. That's why I've waited 4 days to write this...kind of to make sure it's real. All I know is that they prayed, and that my back hasn't hurt since then. I realize that this doesn't mean I'm healed. But it means that I don't have back pain to deal with on top of everything else. And for every moment I don't have pain, I am grateful. Praise to God for His healing hand on me through the MOPS women.
I am also so incredibly grateful for my Aunt Susie, who went to the hospital with me yesterday and for Jeanette who stayed with Eva. And for everyone who offered to go to the hospital with me and babysit after I already had it taken care of. And for Michael, Aunt Jean, Uncle Ed and Jeanette who are with me today as I wait for results. And for my mom who wishes more than anything that she could be with me while she's at work. I love you all.
I went to MOPS (Mothers of Preschoolers) on Tuesday at St. Monica in Whitefish Bay. This is only the 3rd time I've gone, so I still am getting to know most of the women there. My dear old friend Jen (Shedd) Hawkins was there, as was my new friend Jackie Lesperance. They asked if it would be alright if they (and the whole group) prayed over me. More on that in a minute...
Just a little bit about my spiritual background for those of you who don't know: I was raised in a protestant non-denominational church, and made a conscious decision to follow Christ at 5 years old. (Granted, I didn't understand the enormity of that decision at the time, but in whatever way I could understand it, I made the decision then). I always felt that the non-denominational Christian church had it "right." Then I met my husband, Matt. He is an amazing devoted Catholic Christian with the kindest heart ever. Meeting him and his wonderful family opened my mind to a whole new idea of what the universal Christian church is. My prayer ever since Matt and I became serious in our relationship has been to, in some way, bring even a little bit of unity to the so many divisions in the Christian Church.
Anyway, back to MOPS. After the meeting, the women all gathered around me and laid hands on me and prayed for my healing, and also for peace and strength. It didn't matter at that moment that I am not Catholic, as they are. In fact, the prayer felt more like I was at a Pentecostal prayer meeting. :) This group of amazing women have been a source of encouragement, and have offered to help me with anything I need. They even bought me a year subscription to TherapEase Cuisine, a website that helps guide nutrition through cancer treatment. I have felt so much love from this group. I am so grateful to God for them.
I know we can't always expect instant results from prayer. God works things out in His own time and for His own purposes. However, I have to share this. For the past 3 weeks, until Tuesday, I have had back pain. It hasn't been too severe, but there were a few nights where it made it hard to sleep. I would take Ibuprofen, until they told me I couldn't anymore because of the procedures I had coming up. Then I switched to Tylenol.
After the prayer on Tuesday, my back pain went away. I have not felt it since then. Trust me, I'm as skeptical as the next guy when it comes to things like this. That's why I've waited 4 days to write this...kind of to make sure it's real. All I know is that they prayed, and that my back hasn't hurt since then. I realize that this doesn't mean I'm healed. But it means that I don't have back pain to deal with on top of everything else. And for every moment I don't have pain, I am grateful. Praise to God for His healing hand on me through the MOPS women.
I am also so incredibly grateful for my Aunt Susie, who went to the hospital with me yesterday and for Jeanette who stayed with Eva. And for everyone who offered to go to the hospital with me and babysit after I already had it taken care of. And for Michael, Aunt Jean, Uncle Ed and Jeanette who are with me today as I wait for results. And for my mom who wishes more than anything that she could be with me while she's at work. I love you all.
Wednesday, April 28, 2010
Baby Girl
I just had to post this picture of my baby girl, Eva Christine. She turned 12 weeks old yesterday! Those of you who know me, or my friends on Facebook have seen her already I'm sure. :) But just in case anyone hasn't, I had to post it. She reminds me every day about pure joy, love and courage. I love her so much!
Hope
Psalm 33:20-22 says:
We wait in hope for the LORD; he is our help and our shield. In him our hearts rejoice, for we trust in his holy name. May your unfailing love rest upon us, O LORD, even as we put our hope in you.
Today I have so much hope. Granted, I'm probably still a little high on Versed and Fentanyl, but still...I am finished with the colonoscopy/endoscopy and they found (wait for it...) nothing!! Well, there was a small polyp in my stomach, but the doctor was quite sure it was benign. He will test it, but didn't think it was anything to worry about. The great news is that my colon, stomach and pancreas are all normal!
He biopsied an enlarged lymph node near these organs (which we've known about since the start of this insanity) and said the cells in it match those in the liver lesions. He feels this lymph node could be the primary tumor. If that's the case, I don't know what kind of cancer it makes this, but it sure sounds better to my completely medically untrained mind than pancreatic cancer.
I want to also say how grateful I am for the doctors, nurses and staff at Froedtert. They are so kind and compassionate, and knowledgeable! A special shout out to one of my nurses today, Dana. She made me feel at ease when I was almost in tears going into the procedure. I explained it wasn't the procedure that I was scared of, but the results. She was so caring, and promised to pray for a miracle for me. Thank you, Dana.
So while all of this is good news (I think?) we still have a lot of work to do. Tomorrow I have my CT scan and PT scan to make sure there are no other places in my body affected.
Also, there are not enough words to describe how overwhelmed by kindness I have been. But here's a tiny glimpse of what is going through my mind right now:
To my sweet dear husband Matt: You continue to amaze and inspire me with your faith and love. And especially for your help during my colonoscopy prep. NASTY! In sickness and in health, right Babe? :)
To my amazing brother Michael: Thank you for your faith that I will be healed.
To my wonderful mom Gigi: Thank you for your strength and faith and for teaching me to love Jesus. Without Him I would not get through a day. Thank you also for dropping everything to help me.
To my selfless mother-in-law Jeanette: Thank you for your kind heart, your listening ear, and your willingness to do anything for me.
To all of you: Thank you for your prayers!!!
Tuesday, April 27, 2010
Perseverance
James 1:12 Blessed is the man who perseveres under trial, because when he has stood the test, he will receive the crown of life that God has promised to those who love him.
So I persevere. I saw Dr. Evans today and I have little new information except that he does not think the cancer is from my pancreas. He ordered a bunch of tests for the rest of the week. Colonoscopy & endoscopy tomorrow and a CT scan and a PET scan on Thursday.
I'm at a low point. I am depressed and so scared. Please pray that I will be carried through this. Oh Lord, I beg for your healing touch.
The pathologist at Froedtert said the next likely place to look for the cancer is in my colon, which they will do tomorrow.
That's all I know. Please pray!!!
So I persevere. I saw Dr. Evans today and I have little new information except that he does not think the cancer is from my pancreas. He ordered a bunch of tests for the rest of the week. Colonoscopy & endoscopy tomorrow and a CT scan and a PET scan on Thursday.
I'm at a low point. I am depressed and so scared. Please pray that I will be carried through this. Oh Lord, I beg for your healing touch.
The pathologist at Froedtert said the next likely place to look for the cancer is in my colon, which they will do tomorrow.
That's all I know. Please pray!!!
Monday, April 26, 2010
Just a note
I just got back from Froedtert (I've been spelling it wrong...oops!). I don't really have anything new to say. They drew more blood, did a chest x-ray and I met with the nurse practitioner (Beth) for Dr. Evans (who I see tomorrow). Beth said that it is not presenting like pancreatic cancer, though she couldn't say for sure that it wasn't pancreatic.
I do feel reassured that I'm in the right place for now. I feel certain that I am in good medical hands there.
Jeanette (my mother-in-law) was with me for the appointment, and she asked Beth if there was any chance this wasn't cancer. Beth said, "I would be very surprised if it wasn't." As I told Jeanette and my mom, if I am to experience a true healing from God then the medical team will all be very surprised by what they don't find.
Thank you for your prayers for my back pain. Last night after 2 Tylenol and a nice long sit on the massage chair pad (a Christmas gift from my amazing husband...have I mentioned yet how much I love him?) I was able to sleep just fine...and Eva slept for 6 1/2 hours. Bonus!
More to come!
I do feel reassured that I'm in the right place for now. I feel certain that I am in good medical hands there.
Jeanette (my mother-in-law) was with me for the appointment, and she asked Beth if there was any chance this wasn't cancer. Beth said, "I would be very surprised if it wasn't." As I told Jeanette and my mom, if I am to experience a true healing from God then the medical team will all be very surprised by what they don't find.
Thank you for your prayers for my back pain. Last night after 2 Tylenol and a nice long sit on the massage chair pad (a Christmas gift from my amazing husband...have I mentioned yet how much I love him?) I was able to sleep just fine...and Eva slept for 6 1/2 hours. Bonus!
More to come!
Sunday, April 25, 2010
The Weekend
I have no new medical news, but just wanted to give a quick hello to you all.
This weekend was a huge blessing. We went to Indiana for Megan and Andy's baby shower, then to dinner at Rachel and Adam's, then to Chicago for Nicole's birthday party. It was a busy day and we didn't get back to our Chicago apartment until after 11pm. I'm so proud of us - we haven't been out that late in ages! And Eva did wonderfully with all the travel. We got to see such dear friends and be encouraged by their support, faith and love.
Today we drove back to Milwaukee for our niece Anna's 1st birthday party. It was wonderful to spend time with our amazing families.
I was chatting with my friend Jenny last night at the birthday party. I was telling her how I have been so taken aback by everyone's love and support throughout this time and she said something that really resonated with me. She said, "Jesus loves you even more." I think I tend to forget that. So Jesus, help me to remember that you are with me every step of the way and that you love me more than I could ever comprehend.
I am feeling really good physically, but my back pain (so far my only symptom) seems to be increasing. I can't take Ibuprofen this week because of all the tests I'm having done. Please pray for some relief so that I can sleep well.
I'm also apprehensive as I go in for these tests. Not so much about the tests themselves, but about what the results will show. I feel so hopeful about not having any cancer in my pancreas, but I'm worried about where they WILL find it, you know? What if it's everywhere else? What if what if what if?! I continue to pray for healing while also praying "Your will be done."
This weekend was a huge blessing. We went to Indiana for Megan and Andy's baby shower, then to dinner at Rachel and Adam's, then to Chicago for Nicole's birthday party. It was a busy day and we didn't get back to our Chicago apartment until after 11pm. I'm so proud of us - we haven't been out that late in ages! And Eva did wonderfully with all the travel. We got to see such dear friends and be encouraged by their support, faith and love.
Today we drove back to Milwaukee for our niece Anna's 1st birthday party. It was wonderful to spend time with our amazing families.
I was chatting with my friend Jenny last night at the birthday party. I was telling her how I have been so taken aback by everyone's love and support throughout this time and she said something that really resonated with me. She said, "Jesus loves you even more." I think I tend to forget that. So Jesus, help me to remember that you are with me every step of the way and that you love me more than I could ever comprehend.
I am feeling really good physically, but my back pain (so far my only symptom) seems to be increasing. I can't take Ibuprofen this week because of all the tests I'm having done. Please pray for some relief so that I can sleep well.
I'm also apprehensive as I go in for these tests. Not so much about the tests themselves, but about what the results will show. I feel so hopeful about not having any cancer in my pancreas, but I'm worried about where they WILL find it, you know? What if it's everywhere else? What if what if what if?! I continue to pray for healing while also praying "Your will be done."
Friday, April 23, 2010
Clarification
I should clarify that even though my pancreas looks good, it could still be pancreatic cancer. Let's pray that it's not, but according to Dr. Burfeind there are very rare cases where it can start in the pancreas and immediately move to another place in the body to grow. Anyway, just wanted to clarify that.
What the what?
Just a quick update for you all. A lot has happened since I last posted (was that just last night?). I'll try to be brief.
I had the hi-res CT scan this morning, and Dr. Burfeind (oncologist) called me to say my pancreas looks perfectly normal. So even though the tumor markers from my blood tests and the biopsy point toward pancreatic cancer, they really don't know what's going on now.
Also, the tumors in my liver have increased 20% in size in the last 2 weeks. Dr. Burfeind does not believe this is "cause for alarm" but wants to make sure we get to the bottom of this asap. Let's pray that they do not grow anymore...or that they shrink! Or that they go away!!!
On that note, I have appointments Monday and Tuesday with Dr. Douglas Evans and his team at Froedert Hospital (in Milwaukee). He is a very well known pancreatic cancer specialist who moved to Froedert from M.D. Anderson in Houston in January 2009. (how awesome is THAT?) I am so VERY grateful for the kind and compassionate people I have spoken to at Froedert today. Wow!
Also, I have an appointment next Friday at Mayo Clinic that I may or may not keep. It depends how it goes at Froedert.
I am encouraged, hopeful and confused by the results of the CT scan, but I trust that God is working within my body. Please pray for wisdom for Dr. Evans and his team as they figure this out!
I am feeling a lot of joy today, and I am grateful for that. I slept fairly well last night. God is so good.
Can I also just say that I am so thankful for my daughter? She is so amazing. And if I start listing all the things I'm thankful for, this will be way too long for any of you to feel like reading. So I'll stop. But if you're reading this, know that I am thankful for you!!!
I had the hi-res CT scan this morning, and Dr. Burfeind (oncologist) called me to say my pancreas looks perfectly normal. So even though the tumor markers from my blood tests and the biopsy point toward pancreatic cancer, they really don't know what's going on now.
Also, the tumors in my liver have increased 20% in size in the last 2 weeks. Dr. Burfeind does not believe this is "cause for alarm" but wants to make sure we get to the bottom of this asap. Let's pray that they do not grow anymore...or that they shrink! Or that they go away!!!
On that note, I have appointments Monday and Tuesday with Dr. Douglas Evans and his team at Froedert Hospital (in Milwaukee). He is a very well known pancreatic cancer specialist who moved to Froedert from M.D. Anderson in Houston in January 2009. (how awesome is THAT?) I am so VERY grateful for the kind and compassionate people I have spoken to at Froedert today. Wow!
Also, I have an appointment next Friday at Mayo Clinic that I may or may not keep. It depends how it goes at Froedert.
I am encouraged, hopeful and confused by the results of the CT scan, but I trust that God is working within my body. Please pray for wisdom for Dr. Evans and his team as they figure this out!
I am feeling a lot of joy today, and I am grateful for that. I slept fairly well last night. God is so good.
Can I also just say that I am so thankful for my daughter? She is so amazing. And if I start listing all the things I'm thankful for, this will be way too long for any of you to feel like reading. So I'll stop. But if you're reading this, know that I am thankful for you!!!
Thursday, April 22, 2010
All Your Love
I just wanted to say that my heart is warmed and encouraged every time I get a Facebook post, phone call, email, blog comment, card or flowers! I am overwhelmed (in a good way) by the outpouring of love.
Many have asked what they can do. I wish I knew the answer, but know that I am documenting your offers and will call you when I do know what I need.
I did want to reach out to those of you that are local and say that I would love visits during the daytime when you're free. I am anxious about being alone right now and would love company. I have to add however, that I'm not good at coordinating or scheduling right now, especially with all the unknowns, doctor appointments, tests, etc.
So, you're probably asking, if Rachel doesn't know what's going on, how could I? For now, my suggestion is if you ever feel like taking a drive to Germantown, just call first and see if I'm home. Chances are I'd love to see you. If you don't have my phone number, just email me for it. As time goes on and I figure out what I need, I have a dear cousin Karen who is going to be my Volunteer Coordinator Extraordinaire.
Also, so many of you probably don't know what to say or are nervous about talking to me (I totally would be if the situation was reversed). I just want to put your minds at ease and let you know that it's FINE to not know what to say. I hope I can be easy to talk to in spite of all this. And I still want to know about your life too. Just because I have something big going on definitely doesn't mean the rest of the world has stopped spinning. I hope this helps. :)
Tonight, I am having some anxiety and my heart is racing. I don't know what that's about...probably just a physical reaction to lack of sleep and emotional upheaval. Please continue to pray for peace and HEALING!!! Oh Lord, I want to be healed. Not my will, but Yours be done.
Many have asked what they can do. I wish I knew the answer, but know that I am documenting your offers and will call you when I do know what I need.
I did want to reach out to those of you that are local and say that I would love visits during the daytime when you're free. I am anxious about being alone right now and would love company. I have to add however, that I'm not good at coordinating or scheduling right now, especially with all the unknowns, doctor appointments, tests, etc.
So, you're probably asking, if Rachel doesn't know what's going on, how could I? For now, my suggestion is if you ever feel like taking a drive to Germantown, just call first and see if I'm home. Chances are I'd love to see you. If you don't have my phone number, just email me for it. As time goes on and I figure out what I need, I have a dear cousin Karen who is going to be my Volunteer Coordinator Extraordinaire.
Also, so many of you probably don't know what to say or are nervous about talking to me (I totally would be if the situation was reversed). I just want to put your minds at ease and let you know that it's FINE to not know what to say. I hope I can be easy to talk to in spite of all this. And I still want to know about your life too. Just because I have something big going on definitely doesn't mean the rest of the world has stopped spinning. I hope this helps. :)
Tonight, I am having some anxiety and my heart is racing. I don't know what that's about...probably just a physical reaction to lack of sleep and emotional upheaval. Please continue to pray for peace and HEALING!!! Oh Lord, I want to be healed. Not my will, but Yours be done.
Wednesday, April 21, 2010
Just Breathe...
Well, I've had a little time to process. I don't know much, but here is what I know.
1. God is in control
2. God is good
3. I have a deep peace and joy that could only be from Him
4. In spite of all this, I'm a bit sad and a bit scared.
I have a hi-res CT scan on Friday, and a follow up appointment with the oncologist on Monday. In the meantime, the oncologist is going to be calling a few pancreatic cancer specialists (at Mayo and University of Chicago) and see what they recommend for next steps.
Please pray for us. This is so scary, but I choose to trust the One who made me.
*********
When peace, like a river, attendeth my way,
When sorrows like sea billows roll;
Whatever my lot, Thou has taught me to say,
It is well, it is well, with my soul.
Though Satan should buffet, though trials should come,
Let this blest assurance control,
That Christ has regarded my helpless estate,
And hath shed His own blood for my soul.
My sin, oh, the bliss of this glorious thought!
My sin, not in part but the whole,
Is nailed to the cross, and I bear it no more,
Praise the Lord, praise the Lord, O my soul!
Horatio G. Spafford, 1873.
1. God is in control
2. God is good
3. I have a deep peace and joy that could only be from Him
4. In spite of all this, I'm a bit sad and a bit scared.
I have a hi-res CT scan on Friday, and a follow up appointment with the oncologist on Monday. In the meantime, the oncologist is going to be calling a few pancreatic cancer specialists (at Mayo and University of Chicago) and see what they recommend for next steps.
Please pray for us. This is so scary, but I choose to trust the One who made me.
*********
When peace, like a river, attendeth my way,
When sorrows like sea billows roll;
Whatever my lot, Thou has taught me to say,
It is well, it is well, with my soul.
Though Satan should buffet, though trials should come,
Let this blest assurance control,
That Christ has regarded my helpless estate,
And hath shed His own blood for my soul.
My sin, oh, the bliss of this glorious thought!
My sin, not in part but the whole,
Is nailed to the cross, and I bear it no more,
Praise the Lord, praise the Lord, O my soul!
Horatio G. Spafford, 1873.
Diagnosis
I know you've all been praying, so I owe you this update. I have to keep it short right now. I am still processing. It is not lymphoma, but probably pancreatic cancer. Please pray for us as we digest the news.
Monday, April 19, 2010
Waiting for Wednesday
As I'm sure I've mentioned, my next appointment with the oncologist is Wednesday at 1:30. It is there that I will get my biopsy results and next steps.
The wait is not going too badly, which I am certain can be attributed to all of your prayers. Again, THANK YOU!
One thing I am experiencing is some fear. My fear is not that the doctor will confirm the lymphoma diagnosis. In fact, I am hoping to hear that is what it is. My fear is that it is something worse.
I have been on an emotional roller coaster since April 12th. After hearing lymphoma, I was so scared. Then (thanks mostly to all my dear, kind brother's research that I haven't been able to do on my own yet) I heard so many encouraging things about lymphoma being treatable that I felt at peace with that diagnosis. Then I started thinking "What if they're wrong? What if it's something much worse?" And that is where I am now. So my peace is somewhat circumstantial. Please pray that God would give me the strength to say: Lord, help me to be content and at peace no matter what the test results show. I am your servant. My life is in Your hands.
The wait is not going too badly, which I am certain can be attributed to all of your prayers. Again, THANK YOU!
One thing I am experiencing is some fear. My fear is not that the doctor will confirm the lymphoma diagnosis. In fact, I am hoping to hear that is what it is. My fear is that it is something worse.
I have been on an emotional roller coaster since April 12th. After hearing lymphoma, I was so scared. Then (thanks mostly to all my dear, kind brother's research that I haven't been able to do on my own yet) I heard so many encouraging things about lymphoma being treatable that I felt at peace with that diagnosis. Then I started thinking "What if they're wrong? What if it's something much worse?" And that is where I am now. So my peace is somewhat circumstantial. Please pray that God would give me the strength to say: Lord, help me to be content and at peace no matter what the test results show. I am your servant. My life is in Your hands.
Friday, April 16, 2010
Biopsy Complete!
Well, the biopsy is over and I feel pretty good. Thank you all so much for your prayers. Now, more waiting!
The biopsy itself wasn't too big of a deal. Everyone was so nice, and I didn't have any pain during the procedure. Afterward though, I had some excruciating pain in my left shoulder (something to do with nerves I was told) so I needed a few extra doses of pain meds and then I was fine. The pain was akin to what I felt during my second hour of pushing during labor, so it was pretty bad. But it's over now, and I'm fine.
It was such a blessing to have my mom, mother-in-law, and Eva at the hospital with me. To be able to see my baby girl right after the procedure was wonderful. She brings so much joy!
My next appointment is Wednesday at 1:30 p.m. I will hopefully get a diagnosis then, and we can stat a treatment plan. I am very much looking forward to this. I want to know what I'm fighting!
Thank you all for your love, support and prayers. They mean more to me than you know. Please continue praying for peace for us and wisdom for the doctors.
Have a great weekend everyone!
The biopsy itself wasn't too big of a deal. Everyone was so nice, and I didn't have any pain during the procedure. Afterward though, I had some excruciating pain in my left shoulder (something to do with nerves I was told) so I needed a few extra doses of pain meds and then I was fine. The pain was akin to what I felt during my second hour of pushing during labor, so it was pretty bad. But it's over now, and I'm fine.
It was such a blessing to have my mom, mother-in-law, and Eva at the hospital with me. To be able to see my baby girl right after the procedure was wonderful. She brings so much joy!
My next appointment is Wednesday at 1:30 p.m. I will hopefully get a diagnosis then, and we can stat a treatment plan. I am very much looking forward to this. I want to know what I'm fighting!
Thank you all for your love, support and prayers. They mean more to me than you know. Please continue praying for peace for us and wisdom for the doctors.
Have a great weekend everyone!
Thursday, April 15, 2010
Formula
I went to Wal-mart today to get Eva formula. I figure with all the tests I have coming up, and eventually chemo, that I won't be able to breastfeed anymore. Standing in the aisle, I became so angry. Even though I haven't particularly enjoyed breastfeeding, I didn't want to switch to formula because of some awful disease. I became angry that I wouldn't be able to provide for my baby in the way that I wanted to, and I became angry about all the money we would have to spend on formula when breast milk is free. So here I was in Wal-mart, doing calculations in my head about how much a year's worth of formula would be, and as the cost was adding up I was almost in tears over the unfairness of it all. I finally just chose some and left.
Somewhere between Wal-mart and home it hit me. This was surely not going to be the last time during this journey where I would have to be flexible, and there will certainly be more painful sacrifices than this. There will be many more times where I'll have to surrender my will. So I made a decision today to choose to look on the bright side of things. I have a feeling that I will have to make this conscious choice every day from now on, and I pray that I will have the strength to do so.
I thought about the whole formula thing some more, and realized I have much to be thankful for. I am thankful that formula is a good alternative to breast milk, and it will give Eva all the nutrition she needs. I am also thankful that we're in a place financially where buying formula will not be a burden. Thank you God for providing.
So that's the lesson I learned today. I'm a bit nervous about the biopsy tomorrow, but so grateful that my dear sweet mom and dear sweet mother-in-law will be there with me to keep me company and watch Eva.
Somewhere between Wal-mart and home it hit me. This was surely not going to be the last time during this journey where I would have to be flexible, and there will certainly be more painful sacrifices than this. There will be many more times where I'll have to surrender my will. So I made a decision today to choose to look on the bright side of things. I have a feeling that I will have to make this conscious choice every day from now on, and I pray that I will have the strength to do so.
I thought about the whole formula thing some more, and realized I have much to be thankful for. I am thankful that formula is a good alternative to breast milk, and it will give Eva all the nutrition she needs. I am also thankful that we're in a place financially where buying formula will not be a burden. Thank you God for providing.
So that's the lesson I learned today. I'm a bit nervous about the biopsy tomorrow, but so grateful that my dear sweet mom and dear sweet mother-in-law will be there with me to keep me company and watch Eva.
Wednesday, April 14, 2010
Biopsy
The biopsy is scheduled for Friday at 10:00 a.m. Since there is a lesion near the surface, they don't need to go in surgically. I am so thankful to God for that!
Please pray for:
Please pray for:
- Peace for me
- A safe procedure
- If and only if it is God's will, that they would not even find a lesion because it's been healed.
- If it is not God's will for healing in that way, that the doctors and anyone else reviewing the tissue would be given wisdom in diagnosing what they find.
Really?
So, a week ago I never would have thought I'd be seeing an oncologist today. Cancer was the last thing from my mind. But here we are.
Honestly, when my doctor used the word "lymphoma" (which I knew was cancer, but that's about all I knew) my first thought was "How do I respond in the 'right way'"? Of course, there is no right way to respond to news like that, so I told myself to stay calm until I could figure out what the right way was.
There are few things I claim to really know about life. But I do know this: God uses trials for His glory and to strengthen us. If we realize this, and strive to grow through hardships, they are never in vain. I also know that God gives us the strength to get through what we could never get through alone. So these are the truths I'm hanging on to, and I pray that going forward I am able to respond to whatever happens in a way that shows that I truly believe these things.
However, I am human. I most definitely don't claim to be especially strong or capable. I am angry, scared, frustrated and sad. And you know why? Because MY life was not supposed to be this way. MY life was supposed to be happy and beautiful. MY life was supposed to be a perfect example to everyone around me of how perfect a life could be. I would make good choices for myself and my family that would lead to good outcomes. I was in control.
Well, I am no longer in control. I am realizing that I don't get to decide if I live another day. I don't get to decide if I have more babies or lose my hair during treatment. I don't get to decide if I want to have cancer or not. And that is where my fear and anger, my sadness and frustration are coming from.
But here's the upside. God is using the unknown to shape me. To teach me to trust, to lean on Him. To understand that He is the only sure thing in this life.
The outpouring of love and support have been such a gift. I am overwhelmed. Thank you for your prayers.
A quick health update: I saw the oncologist today. He needs to do a biopsy before they have a certain diagnosis of lymphoma, but he feels that's what we're dealing with. I have a follow up appointment with him next Wednesday (4/21) to look at the test results and get a treatment plan.
More to come...
Rachel
Honestly, when my doctor used the word "lymphoma" (which I knew was cancer, but that's about all I knew) my first thought was "How do I respond in the 'right way'"? Of course, there is no right way to respond to news like that, so I told myself to stay calm until I could figure out what the right way was.
There are few things I claim to really know about life. But I do know this: God uses trials for His glory and to strengthen us. If we realize this, and strive to grow through hardships, they are never in vain. I also know that God gives us the strength to get through what we could never get through alone. So these are the truths I'm hanging on to, and I pray that going forward I am able to respond to whatever happens in a way that shows that I truly believe these things.
However, I am human. I most definitely don't claim to be especially strong or capable. I am angry, scared, frustrated and sad. And you know why? Because MY life was not supposed to be this way. MY life was supposed to be happy and beautiful. MY life was supposed to be a perfect example to everyone around me of how perfect a life could be. I would make good choices for myself and my family that would lead to good outcomes. I was in control.
Well, I am no longer in control. I am realizing that I don't get to decide if I live another day. I don't get to decide if I have more babies or lose my hair during treatment. I don't get to decide if I want to have cancer or not. And that is where my fear and anger, my sadness and frustration are coming from.
But here's the upside. God is using the unknown to shape me. To teach me to trust, to lean on Him. To understand that He is the only sure thing in this life.
The outpouring of love and support have been such a gift. I am overwhelmed. Thank you for your prayers.
A quick health update: I saw the oncologist today. He needs to do a biopsy before they have a certain diagnosis of lymphoma, but he feels that's what we're dealing with. I have a follow up appointment with him next Wednesday (4/21) to look at the test results and get a treatment plan.
More to come...
Rachel
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