I went to Wal-mart today to get Eva formula. I figure with all the tests I have coming up, and eventually chemo, that I won't be able to breastfeed anymore. Standing in the aisle, I became so angry. Even though I haven't particularly enjoyed breastfeeding, I didn't want to switch to formula because of some awful disease. I became angry that I wouldn't be able to provide for my baby in the way that I wanted to, and I became angry about all the money we would have to spend on formula when breast milk is free. So here I was in Wal-mart, doing calculations in my head about how much a year's worth of formula would be, and as the cost was adding up I was almost in tears over the unfairness of it all. I finally just chose some and left.
Somewhere between Wal-mart and home it hit me. This was surely not going to be the last time during this journey where I would have to be flexible, and there will certainly be more painful sacrifices than this. There will be many more times where I'll have to surrender my will. So I made a decision today to choose to look on the bright side of things. I have a feeling that I will have to make this conscious choice every day from now on, and I pray that I will have the strength to do so.
I thought about the whole formula thing some more, and realized I have much to be thankful for. I am thankful that formula is a good alternative to breast milk, and it will give Eva all the nutrition she needs. I am also thankful that we're in a place financially where buying formula will not be a burden. Thank you God for providing.
So that's the lesson I learned today. I'm a bit nervous about the biopsy tomorrow, but so grateful that my dear sweet mom and dear sweet mother-in-law will be there with me to keep me company and watch Eva.