So, a week ago I never would have thought I'd be seeing an oncologist today. Cancer was the last thing from my mind. But here we are.
Honestly, when my doctor used the word "lymphoma" (which I knew was cancer, but that's about all I knew) my first thought was "How do I respond in the 'right way'"? Of course, there is no right way to respond to news like that, so I told myself to stay calm until I could figure out what the right way was.
There are few things I claim to really know about life. But I do know this: God uses trials for His glory and to strengthen us. If we realize this, and strive to grow through hardships, they are never in vain. I also know that God gives us the strength to get through what we could never get through alone. So these are the truths I'm hanging on to, and I pray that going forward I am able to respond to whatever happens in a way that shows that I truly believe these things.
However, I am human. I most definitely don't claim to be especially strong or capable. I am angry, scared, frustrated and sad. And you know why? Because MY life was not supposed to be this way. MY life was supposed to be happy and beautiful. MY life was supposed to be a perfect example to everyone around me of how perfect a life could be. I would make good choices for myself and my family that would lead to good outcomes. I was in control.
Well, I am no longer in control. I am realizing that I don't get to decide if I live another day. I don't get to decide if I have more babies or lose my hair during treatment. I don't get to decide if I want to have cancer or not. And that is where my fear and anger, my sadness and frustration are coming from.
But here's the upside. God is using the unknown to shape me. To teach me to trust, to lean on Him. To understand that He is the only sure thing in this life.
The outpouring of love and support have been such a gift. I am overwhelmed. Thank you for your prayers.
A quick health update: I saw the oncologist today. He needs to do a biopsy before they have a certain diagnosis of lymphoma, but he feels that's what we're dealing with. I have a follow up appointment with him next Wednesday (4/21) to look at the test results and get a treatment plan.
More to come...
Rachel
I've been sharing your story with my friends... people you don't even know are praying for you all over the place, even where I work!!
ReplyDeleteI love you Rachel! I am so glad that you moved back to Wisconsin so that I can see you more often. I am not sure if I ever told you of my two waiting experiences with breast tumors. I do know that waiting sucks!! One tumor I found on my own, the other was found on a mammogram after I complained of pain in my breast. I did have surgery twice...one was benign and the other did contain cancer cells. I now have mammograms every six months. I did not have to undergo any other treatment though because of how early it was detected and removed. Now about that "perfect" life...lol. I understand what you mean about making all of the right choices...that is how I felt when my marriage ended while we were in the ministry. And I am sooo thick skulled that it took this past couple of years for me to relinquish control to God. I was finally at the point of surrender...where I felt completely helpless! It only took two years of being sick...LOL. I am praying for you...and thinking of you constantly! My two cancer scares were both after I had babies too...Chandler and Noah. Call me anytime. I am here for you, but do not want to overwhelm you!
ReplyDeleteCindy