This just in: A dear woman, Karylmary from St. Monica's is doing a Leukemia and Lymphoma ride in Lake Tahoe June 6th, and would like to carry your prayers for me during her ride!
Just send your prayers via email to my mother-in-law Jeanette (jkirchner@sbcglobal.net) by mid-day on Wednesday June 2nd and she will print them out and get them to Karylmary for the ride.
Thanks so much for participating!!!
Monday, May 31, 2010
My Healer
I have been wanting to write a bit about this for a while now, and I just don't even know how to put into words what I want to say. I hope that what I say comes across as real and true, because it's been more real than anything I've ever experienced in my life.
I've been a Christian for most of my life, but I've never experienced this day to day all-encompassing care and love that God has been showing me. In the weirdest way, life is better now than it has ever been before. And this is why I worry that this post will not sound truthful. How could life be better when I have a possibly "incurable" cancer? When life is spinning out of control? When each day brings about crazy unknowns and new challenges that I never expected I would experience? Here's how: up until this point, I have underestimated God. I now realize and confess that have always thought of Him as my "ticket to heaven", and while I have always been grateful for His sacrifice for me, I have rarely considered the implications of following an all-powerful supernatural God in this life.
One huge implication that I have been learning about is that God HEALS! I am talking about real supernatural physical healing. I have learned that God does not bring sickness to people, and it is not His will for me (or for anyone) to be sick. This is a huge shift from what I've always believed. Two months ago when I first heard "cancer", I rushed to resign myself to the fact that I was sick, and that God has brought this illness to me to teach me something. While I tried to accept it, something about that viewpoint didn't match up with what I knew about the character of God. So I've sought truth, and I've found it. (Not that I've grasped the whole truth, but I am certainly farther along than I was 2 months ago). God does not bring sickness. God HEALS! I am so excited for His healing to manifest itself in my body (perhaps it already has) so that I can show anyone and everyone in my circle of influence that I serve an AMAZINGLY GOOD God who not only has the power to heal physically, but the power to do eternally more than that.
Psalm 118:17
I shall not die, but live, and declare the works of the LORD.
I've been a Christian for most of my life, but I've never experienced this day to day all-encompassing care and love that God has been showing me. In the weirdest way, life is better now than it has ever been before. And this is why I worry that this post will not sound truthful. How could life be better when I have a possibly "incurable" cancer? When life is spinning out of control? When each day brings about crazy unknowns and new challenges that I never expected I would experience? Here's how: up until this point, I have underestimated God. I now realize and confess that have always thought of Him as my "ticket to heaven", and while I have always been grateful for His sacrifice for me, I have rarely considered the implications of following an all-powerful supernatural God in this life.
One huge implication that I have been learning about is that God HEALS! I am talking about real supernatural physical healing. I have learned that God does not bring sickness to people, and it is not His will for me (or for anyone) to be sick. This is a huge shift from what I've always believed. Two months ago when I first heard "cancer", I rushed to resign myself to the fact that I was sick, and that God has brought this illness to me to teach me something. While I tried to accept it, something about that viewpoint didn't match up with what I knew about the character of God. So I've sought truth, and I've found it. (Not that I've grasped the whole truth, but I am certainly farther along than I was 2 months ago). God does not bring sickness. God HEALS! I am so excited for His healing to manifest itself in my body (perhaps it already has) so that I can show anyone and everyone in my circle of influence that I serve an AMAZINGLY GOOD God who not only has the power to heal physically, but the power to do eternally more than that.
Psalm 118:17
I shall not die, but live, and declare the works of the LORD.
Friday, May 28, 2010
Sunny Days
It has been so beautiful outside! That makes me happy. :)
Thank you to everyone who has signed up on the Lotsa Helping Hands website. There seemed to be a little confusion about next steps, so I apologize. I should have clarified...by signing up, you're just putting your name on a list of volunteers. Eventually (soon?) I'll get my calendar up there and you'll have the opportunity to choose to help with certain tasks on certain days. I just haven't gotten that far yet.
A quick Eva update. I'm pretty sure she's teething. She gnaws on everything! And she started giggling. Oh, the joys!!! Have I mentioned that I love her?
Last night I had an MRI and then Matt and I went out to dinner. His parents stayed with Eva so we could have a date night. We went to Qdoba. :) So romantic, I know. But we were both exhausted, and just wanted something quick. Still it was such a treat to spend a few minutes with him and talk about things. We rarely get a chance to do that.
Today I had a doctor appointment. No real news on that front. Blood counts are pretty good, but platelets are a little low. My MRI results aren't back yet from the radiologist, but my oncologist looked at the pictures and said he doesn't see anything abnormal, so I guess that's good. I'm not entirely sure why they've waited this long to do an MRI.
I'm having some rather unpleasant effects from the chemo relating to my stomach. No details necessary, but it's seriously not fun. Ugh.
Oh, a few people have asked if I'll lose my hair. The doctors aren't sure.
I think I've forgotten to mention that a friend (Erin) is pumping extra breast milk and giving it to me for Eva. Isn't that amazing? I am just so touched by that. And then yesterday, my friend Taylor fixed the side mirror on the car. (Thank you SO much, Taylor!) We were just hanging out afterward while I fed Eva, and somehow got on the topic of breast milk vs. formula. (He has a 2 month old daughter). Turns out, his girlfriend Alisha had a freezer full of breast milk she had pumped and wasn't going to use. She was either going to donate it or throw it away, so she gave it to me!!! Erin, Taylor and Alisha, you are my angels.
Well, I think that's all for now. Today is day 7 without back pain! Thank you Jesus!!
Thank you to everyone who has signed up on the Lotsa Helping Hands website. There seemed to be a little confusion about next steps, so I apologize. I should have clarified...by signing up, you're just putting your name on a list of volunteers. Eventually (soon?) I'll get my calendar up there and you'll have the opportunity to choose to help with certain tasks on certain days. I just haven't gotten that far yet.
A quick Eva update. I'm pretty sure she's teething. She gnaws on everything! And she started giggling. Oh, the joys!!! Have I mentioned that I love her?
Last night I had an MRI and then Matt and I went out to dinner. His parents stayed with Eva so we could have a date night. We went to Qdoba. :) So romantic, I know. But we were both exhausted, and just wanted something quick. Still it was such a treat to spend a few minutes with him and talk about things. We rarely get a chance to do that.
Today I had a doctor appointment. No real news on that front. Blood counts are pretty good, but platelets are a little low. My MRI results aren't back yet from the radiologist, but my oncologist looked at the pictures and said he doesn't see anything abnormal, so I guess that's good. I'm not entirely sure why they've waited this long to do an MRI.
I'm having some rather unpleasant effects from the chemo relating to my stomach. No details necessary, but it's seriously not fun. Ugh.
Oh, a few people have asked if I'll lose my hair. The doctors aren't sure.
I think I've forgotten to mention that a friend (Erin) is pumping extra breast milk and giving it to me for Eva. Isn't that amazing? I am just so touched by that. And then yesterday, my friend Taylor fixed the side mirror on the car. (Thank you SO much, Taylor!) We were just hanging out afterward while I fed Eva, and somehow got on the topic of breast milk vs. formula. (He has a 2 month old daughter). Turns out, his girlfriend Alisha had a freezer full of breast milk she had pumped and wasn't going to use. She was either going to donate it or throw it away, so she gave it to me!!! Erin, Taylor and Alisha, you are my angels.
Well, I think that's all for now. Today is day 7 without back pain! Thank you Jesus!!
Wednesday, May 26, 2010
Offers of Help...Calling them in! :)
Your offers of help have been overwhelming in the best way and, and I'm finally getting a grasp on the need to have an official way to coordinate everything. If you're interested, there's a website you can sign up on that will eventually house a calendar with all upcoming events that we need help with. The first step is just getting a group of volunteers signed up. Go to this link to add yourself, if you are interested.
http://www.lotsahelpinghands.com/c/626581/login/
For me to ask for help in this way would have been difficult just a year ago (rather, it was difficult when I was so sick from being pregnant) but God has broken my stubborn spirit in the best way, and is teaching me that there are just some things you can't do alone! (Cancer, chemo and caring for an infant is just one example.)
Just know that one day (soon!) I will be back to health and willing to help any and all of you in whatever way I can. Not because I feel I have to repay you, but because I have been so blessed by each and every one of you that it will be my pleasure.
http://www.lotsahelpinghands.com/c/626581/login/
For me to ask for help in this way would have been difficult just a year ago (rather, it was difficult when I was so sick from being pregnant) but God has broken my stubborn spirit in the best way, and is teaching me that there are just some things you can't do alone! (Cancer, chemo and caring for an infant is just one example.)
Just know that one day (soon!) I will be back to health and willing to help any and all of you in whatever way I can. Not because I feel I have to repay you, but because I have been so blessed by each and every one of you that it will be my pleasure.
Tuesday, May 25, 2010
Happy 1st Birthday Anna!
Here's a picture of our niece Anna eating her cake. Ahhh, I love it! :) She's such a doll. Happy 1st Birthday, Anna!
And here's a picture of us at dinner. It was so nice to get out of the house and go somewhere other than the hospital!
And here's a picture of us at dinner. It was so nice to get out of the house and go somewhere other than the hospital!
Chemo update
Chemo kicked my butt for a couple of days, but now I'm on my way to fighting back with a vengeance. I went in today and my blood counts all look great! The nurse seemed overly pleased with this...as if she didn't expect them to look as good as they did. Thanks be to God!
I lost some weight, so they gave me IV fluids and changed my anti-nausea meds. I am currently eating a big bowl of mac and cheese from Noodles, and it tastes SO good.
I noticed during the days I was sick from chemo that it's hard for me to fight back against the sickness emotionally, so I ask for your prayers especially during those times. I want to hate this cancer and the place it has in my body with every ounce of my being, but when I am so fatigued it's hard to do much of anything with a passion.
Thanks to Liz for watching Eva on Friday, to my mom and brother and grandma who were with me over the weekend, and to Aunt Cheryl who was with me yesterday and to Jessica who was with me today, and to Karen (my mother-in-law's cousin) who made me the most gorgeous quilt! I am so touched by all of your kindness. And thank you to everyone who offered to help after we already had the days covered. You're all amazing! Thank you for being the hands and feet of Jesus.
I lost some weight, so they gave me IV fluids and changed my anti-nausea meds. I am currently eating a big bowl of mac and cheese from Noodles, and it tastes SO good.
I noticed during the days I was sick from chemo that it's hard for me to fight back against the sickness emotionally, so I ask for your prayers especially during those times. I want to hate this cancer and the place it has in my body with every ounce of my being, but when I am so fatigued it's hard to do much of anything with a passion.
Thanks to Liz for watching Eva on Friday, to my mom and brother and grandma who were with me over the weekend, and to Aunt Cheryl who was with me yesterday and to Jessica who was with me today, and to Karen (my mother-in-law's cousin) who made me the most gorgeous quilt! I am so touched by all of your kindness. And thank you to everyone who offered to help after we already had the days covered. You're all amazing! Thank you for being the hands and feet of Jesus.
Saturday, May 22, 2010
Along Came Polly
Yesterday was a long day. I have often wondered over the course of the past 6 weeks why the journey has been so long up until now. Don't most people with cancer get diagnosed and then begin treatment right away? I believe there are many reasons, most of which I just don't understand, as to why things are the way they are with me. Yesterday though, God reminded me of the best blessing this journey has brought thus far, and that is the amazing people I've met along the way. Yesterday was no exception.
The morning began with my mom and me at the hospital to get my port and then start chemo. We were both very broken as we sat waiting for things to begin. Mom looked up "healed" on Bible Gateway, and just read me verses. While we both believe my healing will come, we had hoped and prayed it would come before chemo started. As it became clear that was not going to be the case, we were both discouraged.
Enter my nurses, Polly and Kim. Both of their lives have been touched by cancer (Polly's brother-in-law, and Kim herself). They were full of amazing encouragement. Polly gave us many resources to explore, as her brother-in-law's cancer was also unknown primary. You know, I don't even know how to explain how it changed things to have met them, but my mom said it felt as though Jesus was right there with us and I think that's the best way to describe it.
My port was placed without any issue. I found out from Polly before going into surgery that my surgeon is a Christian who will pray over his patients before starting surgery. I asked him to pray for me, and he said he would. They also let me keep my Bible with me as I fell asleep for surgery. I don't know if it was there the whole time, but when I woke up in recovery, I had it with me again.
My chemo took about 5 hours after the port was placed. I was getting discouraged again, so I decided to watch some healing testimonies. Can I just say that up until 6 weeks ago, I didn't understand why God doesn't heal today. I asked for wisdom in that area, and I have learned SO much, even without really seeking it out. I have just sought God, and He answered me. In one little blog post, I can't even begin to convey what I've learned. But here's a little bit.
1. God DOES heal today. I have seen and heard some amazing stories of it.
2. God WANTS to heal everyone.
3. God WILL heal me.
There, I said it! I have felt up until now that it would come across as arrogant for me to say this. But it's not arrogance. It is confidence. For those of you who don't believe, I will not try to convince you. All I will say is wait and see...wait and see.
In the meantime, I am already experiencing nausea which I'm guessing is from chemo though they didn't think it would start this early. I'm eating when I can, pushing fluids, and keeping up with my anti-nausea meds. I go in next week for IV fluids, as well as blood work and an MRI. The days I have to go are Tuesday, Thursday and Friday. If anyone is free those days to either go with me, or watch Eva I would be forever grateful!! Just email me and let me know.
Oh, and some very exciting news! I have not taken pain meds since 9 p.m. last night and that was just Tylenol. My back pain is gone completely. Thank you Jesus!
The morning began with my mom and me at the hospital to get my port and then start chemo. We were both very broken as we sat waiting for things to begin. Mom looked up "healed" on Bible Gateway, and just read me verses. While we both believe my healing will come, we had hoped and prayed it would come before chemo started. As it became clear that was not going to be the case, we were both discouraged.
Enter my nurses, Polly and Kim. Both of their lives have been touched by cancer (Polly's brother-in-law, and Kim herself). They were full of amazing encouragement. Polly gave us many resources to explore, as her brother-in-law's cancer was also unknown primary. You know, I don't even know how to explain how it changed things to have met them, but my mom said it felt as though Jesus was right there with us and I think that's the best way to describe it.
My port was placed without any issue. I found out from Polly before going into surgery that my surgeon is a Christian who will pray over his patients before starting surgery. I asked him to pray for me, and he said he would. They also let me keep my Bible with me as I fell asleep for surgery. I don't know if it was there the whole time, but when I woke up in recovery, I had it with me again.
My chemo took about 5 hours after the port was placed. I was getting discouraged again, so I decided to watch some healing testimonies. Can I just say that up until 6 weeks ago, I didn't understand why God doesn't heal today. I asked for wisdom in that area, and I have learned SO much, even without really seeking it out. I have just sought God, and He answered me. In one little blog post, I can't even begin to convey what I've learned. But here's a little bit.
1. God DOES heal today. I have seen and heard some amazing stories of it.
2. God WANTS to heal everyone.
3. God WILL heal me.
There, I said it! I have felt up until now that it would come across as arrogant for me to say this. But it's not arrogance. It is confidence. For those of you who don't believe, I will not try to convince you. All I will say is wait and see...wait and see.
In the meantime, I am already experiencing nausea which I'm guessing is from chemo though they didn't think it would start this early. I'm eating when I can, pushing fluids, and keeping up with my anti-nausea meds. I go in next week for IV fluids, as well as blood work and an MRI. The days I have to go are Tuesday, Thursday and Friday. If anyone is free those days to either go with me, or watch Eva I would be forever grateful!! Just email me and let me know.
Oh, and some very exciting news! I have not taken pain meds since 9 p.m. last night and that was just Tylenol. My back pain is gone completely. Thank you Jesus!
Thursday, May 20, 2010
Random thing...
So I absolutely love it when you comment on my blog. It lets me know I'm not writing to no one, and that people are actually reading. :)
Sometimes when people comment, all it shows is their screen name and if that doesn't have their name in it, or if they don't have a picture then I don't who's doing the commenting. Point being this...keep the comments coming and perhaps sign your name on them so I know who are you because I like to know who's writing to me. :)
Thanks for reading! I am so surprised when I hear of all the people who are following my little life. God is going to do AMAZING things, so keep coming back for more! :)
Sometimes when people comment, all it shows is their screen name and if that doesn't have their name in it, or if they don't have a picture then I don't who's doing the commenting. Point being this...keep the comments coming and perhaps sign your name on them so I know who are you because I like to know who's writing to me. :)
Thanks for reading! I am so surprised when I hear of all the people who are following my little life. God is going to do AMAZING things, so keep coming back for more! :)
Next Steps
So I get my port and start chemo tomorrow. It's going to be a loooong day. Please pray for stamina! I am also praying that the side effects of the chemo are little to none.
We received wonderful wonderful news today. Wait for it...my husband's job in Wisconsin will become permanent! We won't have to move back to Chicago. (Sorry to all my Chicago friends. While we would have loved to be with you again, Wisconsin is where we need to be right now). :) Thank you to God for this blessing! We will begin looking for houses in this area soon.
Oh, I wanted to mention something. I have tried so hard to keep up with life lately, but I am falling behind in many areas. One of these is my email. If you have written to me and I haven't replied, I do apologize. Rest assured, I am reading each and every email, and they touch my heart deeply. One day soon I hope to respond to them all personally.
Well, that's all for now. My peace is unwavering. God is so good!!!
Love to you all!
We received wonderful wonderful news today. Wait for it...my husband's job in Wisconsin will become permanent! We won't have to move back to Chicago. (Sorry to all my Chicago friends. While we would have loved to be with you again, Wisconsin is where we need to be right now). :) Thank you to God for this blessing! We will begin looking for houses in this area soon.
Oh, I wanted to mention something. I have tried so hard to keep up with life lately, but I am falling behind in many areas. One of these is my email. If you have written to me and I haven't replied, I do apologize. Rest assured, I am reading each and every email, and they touch my heart deeply. One day soon I hope to respond to them all personally.
Well, that's all for now. My peace is unwavering. God is so good!!!
Love to you all!
Wednesday, May 19, 2010
Blessings
I am so blessed. There is so much to be thankful for. Last night I was on the floor playing with Eva and I looked up at Matt and said, "It doesn't get any better than this, does it?" He said, "Yeah it does. You could not have cancer." I just shrugged. Don't get me wrong...I hate cancer, I REALLY hate it. But it cannot defeat me. My God has overcome the world, and He lives within me. What do I have to be afraid of?
Yesterday was a big day for Eva. She turned 15 weeks old, and she figured out how to roll over from back to stomach. She does it constantly now, and then gets mad that she's on her stomach. She also slept in her own room for the very first time and did pretty well. Such a big girl! :)
I'm heading to Madison today to see my former boss and dear friend Jacque. God has healed her physically, and I am excited to hear her story in its entirety and to receive prayer from her and her friends.
Oh, guess what I did yesterday? I was backing out of the garage and I misjudged how much space I had and I completely destroyed the driver's side mirror on the car. D'oh! My friend Taylor Last is going to fix it for me once I go to Milwaukee to get the part. Hopefully I can do that tomorrow. I really shouldn't drive. This is not the first time something like this has happened...
Tomorrow is my initial consult with my oncologist (Dr. Johnson) at Waukesha Memorial. It's at 2:45. From there I'll get my chemo plan. I'll keep you all posted.
Yesterday was a big day for Eva. She turned 15 weeks old, and she figured out how to roll over from back to stomach. She does it constantly now, and then gets mad that she's on her stomach. She also slept in her own room for the very first time and did pretty well. Such a big girl! :)
I'm heading to Madison today to see my former boss and dear friend Jacque. God has healed her physically, and I am excited to hear her story in its entirety and to receive prayer from her and her friends.
Oh, guess what I did yesterday? I was backing out of the garage and I misjudged how much space I had and I completely destroyed the driver's side mirror on the car. D'oh! My friend Taylor Last is going to fix it for me once I go to Milwaukee to get the part. Hopefully I can do that tomorrow. I really shouldn't drive. This is not the first time something like this has happened...
Tomorrow is my initial consult with my oncologist (Dr. Johnson) at Waukesha Memorial. It's at 2:45. From there I'll get my chemo plan. I'll keep you all posted.
Sunday, May 16, 2010
The Wedding!
We were so blessed to be able to attend the wedding of Emily and Jeff! It was such a spectacular celebration. Thank you for all of your prayers, and thank you to God for working out the logistics to bring us back in time! Emily was a gorgeous bride, as you can see from the picture below. An "official" welcome to the family, Jeff! I sincerely pray that your marriage is full of many blessings. Matt and I have enjoyed marriage SO much. I can't imagine anything better (well, maybe having a baby ties it), and I truly hope you will be able to say the same thing in the future!
On to my health...I'm still feeling pretty good. My back does hurt, and sometimes my abdomen around my ribs hurts too, which the doctor explained is because of a lymph node in my abdomen that is swollen to 10 cm at one measurement (about 4 in). This is pressing on nerves and causing the pain. So let's pray that this lymph node shrinks!!!
I am learning so much about trusting God. There's something about top experts in the medical field being unable to diagnose me that has caused an awesome surrender on my part. I no longer wonder about the "what ifs" I wrote about in a previous post. I know if I had a name for this cancer, I would be looking up statistics and trying to figure out how to beat them. Without a name, without a diagnosis, I am learning to just trust. It doesn't matter what the statistics would show. God has this all figured out. He knows the name of this disease. As someone said to me this weekend (in an awesome British accent) at Andrew Wommack's seminar, "Cancer has a name. And Jesus has a name. And Jesus's name is above cancer." Yes, He is the Name above all names.
When I look to the future - which I don't do very often as I have learned through this trial the true meaning of living moment by moment - I see myself well and healthy, raising a family with my wonderful husband and glorifying the God who heals, because I now believe that I will receive healing.
I met some incredible people at the wedding and gift opening this weekend who I never would have met had it not been for cancer. Among them were Matthew (who's about my age), a cancer survivor for 13 years, and his mom Nannette. What amazing people! I have observed that there is a certain depth and intrigue to people who have been through serious trials and have determined to learn from them and use them for good rather than become bitter and/or angry. These people are inspiring to me as I refuse to let cancer win. And when I say I won't let it win, I do mean physically but even more so I refuse to let cancer cause me to suffer without purpose. I will let God use this trial to shape me into a closer resemblance of Jesus.
Anyway, Nannette and Matt...thank you for your encouragement. Thank you also, Nan, for your encouragement to my mom. In the past 3 1/2 months since Eva was born I have experienced a love never before imagined. And because of this, it causes me great pain to think of what my mom must be suffering for me right now. She is so strong, and her faith is unwavering. However, in no way does that make it easy for her. I am sure it was very uplifting to talk to a mother of a survivor.
Well, I suppose this is getting long and I am not gonna lie...I'm exhausted! I definitely skipped church this morning to sleep. I know God understands. I just couldn't pull myself together and get dressed early enough.
My prayer requests for now are this:
On to my health...I'm still feeling pretty good. My back does hurt, and sometimes my abdomen around my ribs hurts too, which the doctor explained is because of a lymph node in my abdomen that is swollen to 10 cm at one measurement (about 4 in). This is pressing on nerves and causing the pain. So let's pray that this lymph node shrinks!!!
I am learning so much about trusting God. There's something about top experts in the medical field being unable to diagnose me that has caused an awesome surrender on my part. I no longer wonder about the "what ifs" I wrote about in a previous post. I know if I had a name for this cancer, I would be looking up statistics and trying to figure out how to beat them. Without a name, without a diagnosis, I am learning to just trust. It doesn't matter what the statistics would show. God has this all figured out. He knows the name of this disease. As someone said to me this weekend (in an awesome British accent) at Andrew Wommack's seminar, "Cancer has a name. And Jesus has a name. And Jesus's name is above cancer." Yes, He is the Name above all names.
When I look to the future - which I don't do very often as I have learned through this trial the true meaning of living moment by moment - I see myself well and healthy, raising a family with my wonderful husband and glorifying the God who heals, because I now believe that I will receive healing.
I met some incredible people at the wedding and gift opening this weekend who I never would have met had it not been for cancer. Among them were Matthew (who's about my age), a cancer survivor for 13 years, and his mom Nannette. What amazing people! I have observed that there is a certain depth and intrigue to people who have been through serious trials and have determined to learn from them and use them for good rather than become bitter and/or angry. These people are inspiring to me as I refuse to let cancer win. And when I say I won't let it win, I do mean physically but even more so I refuse to let cancer cause me to suffer without purpose. I will let God use this trial to shape me into a closer resemblance of Jesus.
Anyway, Nannette and Matt...thank you for your encouragement. Thank you also, Nan, for your encouragement to my mom. In the past 3 1/2 months since Eva was born I have experienced a love never before imagined. And because of this, it causes me great pain to think of what my mom must be suffering for me right now. She is so strong, and her faith is unwavering. However, in no way does that make it easy for her. I am sure it was very uplifting to talk to a mother of a survivor.
Well, I suppose this is getting long and I am not gonna lie...I'm exhausted! I definitely skipped church this morning to sleep. I know God understands. I just couldn't pull myself together and get dressed early enough.
My prayer requests for now are this:
- That my back pain will subside
- That I will seek to know Jesus more each and every day and be in constant communion with Him
Thursday, May 13, 2010
The Plan
So I have CUP. Carcinoma of Unknown Primary. That's the best they can do for a diagnosis. It could be lung (that's a new one), pancreatic, bile duct, or neuroendocrine cancer. At one point today I looked at Dr. Varadhachary (one of the most brilliant medical minds out there, I'm told) and just laughed. I said, "This is absurd." She said, "It is absurd." She also made sure to note that none of this makes any sense...there is no reason she can figure out that I should have this type (whatever it is) of cancer.
She also told me to keep my spirit, that it is incredible. I told her I have a lot of faith.
The good news: we get to be home for Emily's wedding!!! Thank you all for your prayers about this. I am so thankful. SO thankful!
I am to start chemo next week sometime. This includes getting a port put in and stopping breast feeding. I am not worried about either of these things. I'm just taking one day at a time. And I continue to pray and trust.
When Dr. V walked into the office today, I started to feel very anxious, as I did before my appointments with Dr. Evans. I had a quick word with myself about God being in control, and the anxiety went away and didn't come back...even when she told me she could not tell me if my cancer is curable or not (since she doesn't know what I have).
Here's the thing...I am in the hands of the great Healer. He is my rock. He has met every need in my life until this point, so why would I stop trusting him now, just because this is a rough spot? I need Him now more than ever.
We're headed home tomorrow, and stopping in Chicago for the night. I'm going to Lombard with my dear brother Michael to see Andrew Wommack (a pastor). He has a ministry that has intrigued me as of late.
Thank you all for your prayers. Love to you all.
She also told me to keep my spirit, that it is incredible. I told her I have a lot of faith.
The good news: we get to be home for Emily's wedding!!! Thank you all for your prayers about this. I am so thankful. SO thankful!
I am to start chemo next week sometime. This includes getting a port put in and stopping breast feeding. I am not worried about either of these things. I'm just taking one day at a time. And I continue to pray and trust.
When Dr. V walked into the office today, I started to feel very anxious, as I did before my appointments with Dr. Evans. I had a quick word with myself about God being in control, and the anxiety went away and didn't come back...even when she told me she could not tell me if my cancer is curable or not (since she doesn't know what I have).
Here's the thing...I am in the hands of the great Healer. He is my rock. He has met every need in my life until this point, so why would I stop trusting him now, just because this is a rough spot? I need Him now more than ever.
We're headed home tomorrow, and stopping in Chicago for the night. I'm going to Lombard with my dear brother Michael to see Andrew Wommack (a pastor). He has a ministry that has intrigued me as of late.
Thank you all for your prayers. Love to you all.
Wednesday, May 12, 2010
The Zoo
We spent today at the Houston Zoo. It was so much fun! While looking at the animals I couldn't help but think about all the amazing things God created and how he takes care of them by giving them all kinds of natural defenses. How much more will He take care of me.
Luke 12:6-7
Are not five sparrows sold for two pennies? Yet not one of them is forgotten by God. Indeed, the very hairs of your head are all numbered. Don't be afraid; you are worth more than many sparrows.
Our friend Rachel arrived this morning safe and sound. I'm so grateful that she's here and can help with Eva!
My CT scan will be tomorrow at 7 a.m. as originally planned and my follow up with Dr. Varadhachary is at 1:30 p.m. Please continue to pray that we can come home on Friday!
Luke 12:6-7
Are not five sparrows sold for two pennies? Yet not one of them is forgotten by God. Indeed, the very hairs of your head are all numbered. Don't be afraid; you are worth more than many sparrows.
Our friend Rachel arrived this morning safe and sound. I'm so grateful that she's here and can help with Eva!
My CT scan will be tomorrow at 7 a.m. as originally planned and my follow up with Dr. Varadhachary is at 1:30 p.m. Please continue to pray that we can come home on Friday!
Tuesday, May 11, 2010
So Much Hope
Today we were at M.D. Anderson, and I was thinking "I should be so scared. I should be so uneasy. But I'm not. At all." God has given me so much hope. He is with me in such a real way. I didn't become anxious before meeting Dr. Varadhachary (as I had before meeting Dr. Evans). I feel like God is doing something so big that I cannot even begin to understand, and for that I am excited. He is bigger and more powerful than even the best doctor in the world. Does this peace that I have seem counter intuitive to anyone else? I am awed at it, because I realize this kind of peace can only come from God as I remember His promises and learn more about them. He is a GOOD God, and He takes care of His children.
Thank you all for your prayers. Keep them coming please! I have prayed that tomorrow or Thursday when they do the CT scan (they're trying to reschedule it for tomorrow) that they will be shocked that my liver lesions are shrinking or even gone. Perhaps this sounds ridiculous to some of you, and I understand that. However I am being made aware of similar miracles that have taken place in other people. As I hear their stories, my views and beliefs about healing are being challenged. And this is a very good thing.
Now for the practical part of the update: I had some labs drawn today and saw Dr. Varadhachary. She wants to review the pathology and do some re-staining, as well as look at the new CT scan they're doing and from there she will make her recommendation for treatment.
Our hotel room is lovely. The weather in Houston is hot and humid, but I'll take that any day over the 41 degrees and drizzle Germantown is seeing today. :)
Oh, quick cool story! We didn't bring Eva's car seat base, because we thought we'd just strap her in using the seat belt method if we decided to go anywhere. Well, turns out we're going more places in the car than planned, and it's such a pain to strap her in each time. We went to Target to see if they had any bases, and they had one that was originally $40, but had been returned from an online purchase. The clearance price was $10, and it was even the right color! How great is that!
Sunday, May 9, 2010
Houston
God has freed me of fear as we get ready to go to Houston. I am thanking Him and praying that this peace will stay with me all week, and that anxiety will not creep in.
I am actually really looking forward to the trip now that the packing is all done. It will be quite the adventure! I am praying that I will come home physically healthy. Please pray with me. I know that God will do some miraculous things.
Happy Mother's Day to all the mothers who are reading my blog, but especially to my mom (Gigi), my mother-in-law (Jeanette), and my sister-in-law (Liz). I am so glad I got to see you all today. We have been so blessed with an amazing family!
I am actually really looking forward to the trip now that the packing is all done. It will be quite the adventure! I am praying that I will come home physically healthy. Please pray with me. I know that God will do some miraculous things.
Happy Mother's Day to all the mothers who are reading my blog, but especially to my mom (Gigi), my mother-in-law (Jeanette), and my sister-in-law (Liz). I am so glad I got to see you all today. We have been so blessed with an amazing family!
Friday, May 7, 2010
Prayer request
Remember a few days ago I said I was praying for God to give me faith and wisdom regarding what He says about healing? Well, through an interesting and unexpected channel (a friend of a friend of a friend type thing), God is opening my eyes to some things that are new to me. I ask that you'd pray with me - for increasing wisdom and a child-like faith as I seek to understand God's truth. I know this is pretty obscure right now, and once I have more clarity I will share more. But for now, please pray with me. Thank you all!
Wednesday, May 5, 2010
Thank You
Thank you to everyone who offered to come to Houston, or offered frequent flyer miles, or hotel points or babysitting. I appreciate all of these offers more than you know, and will perhaps take you up on them sometime in the future!
Frustration and Tantrums
I sort of had a tantrum last night. I took about 15 minutes to cry my eyes out to Matt, and yell about how unfair all of this is, and how angry I am, and how I don't want cancer...that I just want to be a normal mom with normal mom worries. I feel I should be honest about every part of this journey, including the really hard times, and yesterday was a hard time. So was the early part of today.
I woke up this morning with an overwhelming feeling of dread. I knew I had to plan my trip to Houston, and I just didn't feel I had the energy to do so. First I made my appointments, which begin at 11 a.m. on Tuesday the 11th. They cannot tell me on what day I will be done. Perhaps it will be Friday the 14th, or perhaps it will spill over into the next week. For a Type A over-planner like myself, this is a difficult thing to not know. But God is refining my personality, that is for sure.
Little sidebar: please pray that I can come home with a treatment plan on Friday the 14th. My cousin Emily is getting married on the 15th, and I very much want to be there. I realize this is a want and not a need, but it would be very sad for me if I'm not able to go.
Anyway, back to the travel plans. I was really hoping M.D. Anderson's travel services department would help us get cheap flights. The cheapest they had as of this morning was $1200/person, and the Rotary House where I would have liked to stay has a 3-4 week waiting list. Talk about being frustrated! I got the names of some area hotels along with a few options for cheaper flights (including, but not limited to, calling the airlines' customer service reps and begging for cheaper rates) and I passed this information on to my mother-in-law who was happy to do some of the leg work. Thank goodness. I just could not bring myself to do it at that point.
During the time she was calling, I went to work on my crabby attitude. I read in the book "Jesus Calling" about being thankful, so I talked to my mom (who came to spend a good part of the day with me) about things I was thankful for. There are so many, even in the midst of such fear and heartache. Also I decided to look at this Houston trip as a vacation (with a few stops at the medical center along the way).
While I was doing all that, my mother-in-law was making phone calls. One of the places she called was Angel Flights, and long story short, we got 2 free plane tickets to Houston! Thank you Southwest and Angel Flights, and thank you God for providing! We also got a discounted hotel rate through a friend who works for a large hotel chain. (Thank you B & J!)
Plus, we will be blessed in Houston with the presence of my dear long-time friend Rachel (Pavlovic) Campbell who will be joining us to help care for Eva.
Now, the other news. In the interest of being completely honest with you, my back pain has returned along with some intermittent pain under my ribs in the front. Do not be discouraged by this. I am not. I continue to pray for healing.
Now, for the real issue. My daughter hasn't pooped in almost 2 days, poor little lady. Darn formula. When she reads this years from now, she's going to hate me for writing this, isn't she?
I woke up this morning with an overwhelming feeling of dread. I knew I had to plan my trip to Houston, and I just didn't feel I had the energy to do so. First I made my appointments, which begin at 11 a.m. on Tuesday the 11th. They cannot tell me on what day I will be done. Perhaps it will be Friday the 14th, or perhaps it will spill over into the next week. For a Type A over-planner like myself, this is a difficult thing to not know. But God is refining my personality, that is for sure.
Little sidebar: please pray that I can come home with a treatment plan on Friday the 14th. My cousin Emily is getting married on the 15th, and I very much want to be there. I realize this is a want and not a need, but it would be very sad for me if I'm not able to go.
Anyway, back to the travel plans. I was really hoping M.D. Anderson's travel services department would help us get cheap flights. The cheapest they had as of this morning was $1200/person, and the Rotary House where I would have liked to stay has a 3-4 week waiting list. Talk about being frustrated! I got the names of some area hotels along with a few options for cheaper flights (including, but not limited to, calling the airlines' customer service reps and begging for cheaper rates) and I passed this information on to my mother-in-law who was happy to do some of the leg work. Thank goodness. I just could not bring myself to do it at that point.
During the time she was calling, I went to work on my crabby attitude. I read in the book "Jesus Calling" about being thankful, so I talked to my mom (who came to spend a good part of the day with me) about things I was thankful for. There are so many, even in the midst of such fear and heartache. Also I decided to look at this Houston trip as a vacation (with a few stops at the medical center along the way).
While I was doing all that, my mother-in-law was making phone calls. One of the places she called was Angel Flights, and long story short, we got 2 free plane tickets to Houston! Thank you Southwest and Angel Flights, and thank you God for providing! We also got a discounted hotel rate through a friend who works for a large hotel chain. (Thank you B & J!)
Plus, we will be blessed in Houston with the presence of my dear long-time friend Rachel (Pavlovic) Campbell who will be joining us to help care for Eva.
Now, the other news. In the interest of being completely honest with you, my back pain has returned along with some intermittent pain under my ribs in the front. Do not be discouraged by this. I am not. I continue to pray for healing.
Now, for the real issue. My daughter hasn't pooped in almost 2 days, poor little lady. Darn formula. When she reads this years from now, she's going to hate me for writing this, isn't she?
Tuesday, May 4, 2010
Houston, Here We Come!
My appointment with Dr. Evans was uneventful. He wants me to go to Houston to see Dr. Varadhachary, as he cannot diagnose me. I asked if the cancer could be liver primary, and he said yes, it could be. But he can't say anything definite.
Tomorrow I call for my appointment at M.D. Anderson. I'm hoping I can get in next week, get diagnosed, and start treatment right away. While the idea of chemo scares me, the thought that there's cancer in my body scares me even more. But Jesus says "Fear not." So I pray for courage and strength.
I am so grateful for Dr. Evans' NP, Beth. She has been so kind, and as we left today she gave us hugs and said she would be praying for me.
Please pray that I won't get too depressed about not being able to breastfeed Eva if I start chemo. I get sad when I think about it.
I also pray for healing. I've been telling God about all the reasons that He should keep me around. I've told him that whether He heals me or not, I am His servant for all the rest of my days. But then I beg that those days are long so I can spend more time with my dear husband and family and see Eva grow up.
I echo the words of David in Psalm 30:
To you, O LORD, I called;
to the Lord I cried for mercy:
"What gain is there in my destruction,
in my going down into the pit?
Will the dust praise you?
Will it proclaim your faithfulness?
Hear, O LORD, and be merciful to me;
O LORD, be my help."
You turned my wailing into dancing;
you removed my sackcloth and clothed me with joy,
that my heart may sing to you and not be silent.
O LORD my God, I will give you thanks forever.
Tomorrow I call for my appointment at M.D. Anderson. I'm hoping I can get in next week, get diagnosed, and start treatment right away. While the idea of chemo scares me, the thought that there's cancer in my body scares me even more. But Jesus says "Fear not." So I pray for courage and strength.
I am so grateful for Dr. Evans' NP, Beth. She has been so kind, and as we left today she gave us hugs and said she would be praying for me.
Please pray that I won't get too depressed about not being able to breastfeed Eva if I start chemo. I get sad when I think about it.
I also pray for healing. I've been telling God about all the reasons that He should keep me around. I've told him that whether He heals me or not, I am His servant for all the rest of my days. But then I beg that those days are long so I can spend more time with my dear husband and family and see Eva grow up.
I echo the words of David in Psalm 30:
To you, O LORD, I called;
to the Lord I cried for mercy:
"What gain is there in my destruction,
in my going down into the pit?
Will the dust praise you?
Will it proclaim your faithfulness?
Hear, O LORD, and be merciful to me;
O LORD, be my help."
You turned my wailing into dancing;
you removed my sackcloth and clothed me with joy,
that my heart may sing to you and not be silent.
O LORD my God, I will give you thanks forever.
Monday, May 3, 2010
Cars & Women
I almost titled this post "breast feeding" but thought that may turn off some of the men reading this blog. Hence the new title (could I be anymore stereotypical?). This post actually has nothing to do with cars or women. Well, unless I count as a woman, which I suppose I do...
But I digress. It is frustrating to me that no one seems to know how long x-ray dyes and barium and radioactive tracers stay in your body or whether or not they are excreted in breast milk. I am trying to feed my baby as much as possible before I have to start chemo and switch to formula, and I have some people telling me "wait 8 hours" and others telling me "wait 2-3 days." So yeah, frustrating. There's my rant for the day.
My bone scan from today came back fine. Thank you God! I spoke with Beth about the pathology, and they have it narrowed down to 3 things. But let me say before I say what those three things are that you're going to hear that scary "P" word again, and I'll explain why it keeps coming up but isn't anymore of a possibility today than it was before. They have narrowed it to pancreatic, bile ducts inside the liver or bile ducts outside the liver. I asked Beth, "WHY do they keep saying pancreatic when my pancreas is fine??" She explained that the Pathologist at Froedtert doesn't look at any of my other scans or results. He only looks at the samples, and he has come to the same conclusions that the original Pathologist did. So nothing has changed. They have not found anything since last week that now makes them think it is pancreatic. They still just don't know. I will eventually see an oncologist who will put the pieces together.
Next step: an appointment with Dr. Evans tomorrow at 5:00 p.m. to talk about where we go from here. Please pray that there is a way for them to definitively diagnose me, and that they diagnose me with something that can be easily treated. A few weeks back, I would have thought myself nuts for praying this prayer, but here it is: God, please have them tell me it's liver cancer, and that it can be treated.
I also have to say how grateful I am for our dear family friend from way back, Marge Voigt. She spent the day with Eva and myself at the hospital, and then cooked dinner for Matt and me. She was wonderful encouraging company, and I very much appreciate her spending the day with us. Oh, and she also cleaned up Eva's exploding diaper while I was in my bone scan. :)
Alright, time to go pump & dump my radioactive breast milk. That's the reality.
Peace to you!
But I digress. It is frustrating to me that no one seems to know how long x-ray dyes and barium and radioactive tracers stay in your body or whether or not they are excreted in breast milk. I am trying to feed my baby as much as possible before I have to start chemo and switch to formula, and I have some people telling me "wait 8 hours" and others telling me "wait 2-3 days." So yeah, frustrating. There's my rant for the day.
My bone scan from today came back fine. Thank you God! I spoke with Beth about the pathology, and they have it narrowed down to 3 things. But let me say before I say what those three things are that you're going to hear that scary "P" word again, and I'll explain why it keeps coming up but isn't anymore of a possibility today than it was before. They have narrowed it to pancreatic, bile ducts inside the liver or bile ducts outside the liver. I asked Beth, "WHY do they keep saying pancreatic when my pancreas is fine??" She explained that the Pathologist at Froedtert doesn't look at any of my other scans or results. He only looks at the samples, and he has come to the same conclusions that the original Pathologist did. So nothing has changed. They have not found anything since last week that now makes them think it is pancreatic. They still just don't know. I will eventually see an oncologist who will put the pieces together.
Next step: an appointment with Dr. Evans tomorrow at 5:00 p.m. to talk about where we go from here. Please pray that there is a way for them to definitively diagnose me, and that they diagnose me with something that can be easily treated. A few weeks back, I would have thought myself nuts for praying this prayer, but here it is: God, please have them tell me it's liver cancer, and that it can be treated.
I also have to say how grateful I am for our dear family friend from way back, Marge Voigt. She spent the day with Eva and myself at the hospital, and then cooked dinner for Matt and me. She was wonderful encouraging company, and I very much appreciate her spending the day with us. Oh, and she also cleaned up Eva's exploding diaper while I was in my bone scan. :)
Alright, time to go pump & dump my radioactive breast milk. That's the reality.
Peace to you!
Sunday, May 2, 2010
Promises
Another busy weekend comes to an end. Our dear friends Andrew and Sarah Wroblewski came from Appleton on Friday and took us to dinner at Cheesecake Factory. Their little guy Theo is 10.5 months old, and this was our first time meeting him. Saturday night was a cookout at Ryan and Kristi's (my cousins). We brought Eva with us, and she was such a good girl. She really loves people and activity! We didn't get home til 11...another late night for us old folks. :) Today we went to church with Matt's family and then to brunch with them at Lake Park Bistro. I'd never been there before. It was so yummy. It was an early Mother's Day celebration since my sister-in-law Liz's husband Nick goes back to Iraq this week and won't be with her for her first Mother's Day. :( Please say a prayer for them (Liz, Nick and their 11 month old daughter, Anna...our sweet niece) as they go through more difficult months apart. After brunch we went to my grandma's and had dinner there with my family. Such wonderful happy times!
Of course I can't pretend that every day, no matter how wonderful, isn't darkened by looming scary thoughts. For a moment I'll almost forget about the cancer in my body. Then it all comes back to me...and each time, it seems to hit me like a brick.
I can't pretend that it's easy for me to accept what is happening to me. While doing menial tasks for Eva (changing a diaper, feeding her) I can't help but think about how WRONG this all is. I'm 26. I've always been healthy. I have a wonderful husband and a tiny perfect baby (she's 3 months old today!) and I should NOT have to be thinking about whether or not I'll still be here for her 1st birthday. But we live in a fallen and imperfect world. So while I do recognize the unfairness of it, I will not let that take over and let bitterness rule in my heart.
Then there's the fear. Every ache and pain I have makes me wonder if I'm becoming symptomatic. These last few days I've felt bloated and had some minor stomach pain. Who knows...it could be the stress of everything! But of course it makes me think the cancer is rapidly spreading. Oh Lord, why is it so hard to trust you?
Anyway, tonight as we were driving home from Grandma's, I was feeling very depressed. Another week ahead with no assurance of answers. Another week, full of so many hours of being alone with Eva; just me, her and my thoughts. More fear to fight. More negative thinking to rebut. It's exhausting. Today was a beautiful sunny day, but as we were heading home it started to rain. It was an isolated cloud, surrounded by blue sky, so Matt and I looked for a rainbow. It wasn't long before we saw one...complete and bright,
reaching from one end of the sky to the other. I thanked the Lord out loud as peace flowed over me. As God first used the rainbow to remind Noah of His covenant with him, I took it today to be a reminder of all the promises God has made to me. He has promised to take care of me, to carry my burdens, and to meet my every need. I looked at Matt and said, "Everything's going to be alright, isn't it?" He said yes, it would be. But then he's known that all along. I admire his faith.
So this week will be hard, no doubt. But I know I will be carried through it. Here is what I ask for prayer for:
I appreciate you reading this. I keep hearing of all the people I don't even know who are keeping up with my journey. I can't even believe that so many would be interested in my little life. But I do SO appreciate every single person who reads and who remembers me in prayer. You are my precious warriors.
Of course I can't pretend that every day, no matter how wonderful, isn't darkened by looming scary thoughts. For a moment I'll almost forget about the cancer in my body. Then it all comes back to me...and each time, it seems to hit me like a brick.
I can't pretend that it's easy for me to accept what is happening to me. While doing menial tasks for Eva (changing a diaper, feeding her) I can't help but think about how WRONG this all is. I'm 26. I've always been healthy. I have a wonderful husband and a tiny perfect baby (she's 3 months old today!) and I should NOT have to be thinking about whether or not I'll still be here for her 1st birthday. But we live in a fallen and imperfect world. So while I do recognize the unfairness of it, I will not let that take over and let bitterness rule in my heart.
Then there's the fear. Every ache and pain I have makes me wonder if I'm becoming symptomatic. These last few days I've felt bloated and had some minor stomach pain. Who knows...it could be the stress of everything! But of course it makes me think the cancer is rapidly spreading. Oh Lord, why is it so hard to trust you?
Anyway, tonight as we were driving home from Grandma's, I was feeling very depressed. Another week ahead with no assurance of answers. Another week, full of so many hours of being alone with Eva; just me, her and my thoughts. More fear to fight. More negative thinking to rebut. It's exhausting. Today was a beautiful sunny day, but as we were heading home it started to rain. It was an isolated cloud, surrounded by blue sky, so Matt and I looked for a rainbow. It wasn't long before we saw one...complete and bright,
reaching from one end of the sky to the other. I thanked the Lord out loud as peace flowed over me. As God first used the rainbow to remind Noah of His covenant with him, I took it today to be a reminder of all the promises God has made to me. He has promised to take care of me, to carry my burdens, and to meet my every need. I looked at Matt and said, "Everything's going to be alright, isn't it?" He said yes, it would be. But then he's known that all along. I admire his faith.So this week will be hard, no doubt. But I know I will be carried through it. Here is what I ask for prayer for:
- Continued prayer for healing, peace and strength
- Wisdom for the doctors as they figure out what's specifically wrong with me
- If possible, a diagnosis from Froedtert so I don't have to go to Houston (the logistics of taking that trip with Eva give me a headache)
I appreciate you reading this. I keep hearing of all the people I don't even know who are keeping up with my journey. I can't even believe that so many would be interested in my little life. But I do SO appreciate every single person who reads and who remembers me in prayer. You are my precious warriors.
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