Wednesday, May 5, 2010

Frustration and Tantrums

I sort of had a tantrum last night. I took about 15 minutes to cry my eyes out to Matt, and yell about how unfair all of this is, and how angry I am, and how I don't want cancer...that I just want to be a normal mom with normal mom worries. I feel I should be honest about every part of this journey, including the really hard times, and yesterday was a hard time. So was the early part of today.

I woke up this morning with an overwhelming feeling of dread. I knew I had to plan my trip to Houston, and I just didn't feel I had the energy to do so. First I made my appointments, which begin at 11 a.m. on Tuesday the 11th. They cannot tell me on what day I will be done. Perhaps it will be Friday the 14th, or perhaps it will spill over into the next week. For a Type A over-planner like myself, this is a difficult thing to not know. But God is refining my personality, that is for sure.

Little sidebar: please pray that I can come home with a treatment plan on Friday the 14th. My cousin Emily is getting married on the 15th, and I very much want to be there. I realize this is a want and not a need, but it would be very sad for me if I'm not able to go.

Anyway, back to the travel plans. I was really hoping M.D. Anderson's travel services department would help us get cheap flights. The cheapest they had as of this morning was $1200/person, and the Rotary House where I would have liked to stay has a 3-4 week waiting list. Talk about being frustrated! I got the names of some area hotels along with a few options for cheaper flights (including, but not limited to, calling the airlines' customer service reps and begging for cheaper rates) and I passed this information on to my mother-in-law who was happy to do some of the leg work. Thank goodness. I just could not bring myself to do it at that point.

During the time she was calling, I went to work on my crabby attitude. I read in the book "Jesus Calling" about being thankful, so I talked to my mom (who came to spend a good part of the day with me) about things I was thankful for. There are so many, even in the midst of such fear and heartache. Also I decided to look at this Houston trip as a vacation (with a few stops at the medical center along the way).

While I was doing all that, my mother-in-law was making phone calls. One of the places she called was Angel Flights, and long story short, we got 2 free plane tickets to Houston! Thank you Southwest and Angel Flights, and thank you God for providing! We also got a discounted hotel rate through a friend who works for a large hotel chain. (Thank you B & J!)

Plus, we will be blessed in Houston with the presence of my dear long-time friend Rachel (Pavlovic) Campbell who will be joining us to help care for Eva.

Now, the other news. In the interest of being completely honest with you, my back pain has returned along with some intermittent pain under my ribs in the front. Do not be discouraged by this. I am not. I continue to pray for healing.

Now, for the real issue. My daughter hasn't pooped in almost 2 days, poor little lady. Darn formula. When she reads this years from now, she's going to hate me for writing this, isn't she?


  1. Rachel-I admire your strength, courage and honesty. Looking at this trip as a mini vacation is a great way look at it. It's a great city and you'll have plenty to do and see in between the doctor's appt.
    We will continue to pray & thanks for the updates. Love to you all.

  2. I know all about breaking down bc of frustrations. Sometimes we need to be broken before we realize that all we need to do is trust God. Remember that God is always there and loves to fellowship with you even when you're telling Him of your troubles and worries. Keep looking for the positive and know that we don't expect you to be strong all the time. It's a tough journey, but I'm sure that He's carrying you right now.. so there's only one set of footprints in the sand. <3

  3. I am so glad you got free flights to Houston. What a relief!

    I think you need to allow yourself to break down every now and again. Your overall attitude is great, and you just need to get the other side out there too. There is nothing fair about what you're going through, so don't beat yourself up about feeling that way.

    I hope you can enjoy some aspects of your trip. M.D. Anderson is right next to the zoo...

  4. Rachel, I think your ability to share your journey including the honesty of the hard times is incredible. Feeling the frustration and anger at the unfairness of the situation is normal, and I am really glad you are expressing it rather than letting it all bottle up inside. There is nothing at all about this situation that is not hard and unfair. You have an incredible faith and God is with you even in the dark moments. God can take your frustration and sorrow when you need to express it. Just think of your own relationship with Eva. When she is crying because she is frustrated and upset by something, does it make you love her any less, or does it just make you scoop her up in your arms to comfort her? God will do no less with you when you are hurting and frustrated and need to express it.

  5. Thinking about you a lot today. I check in constantly to see how you're doing.

    And as for Houston, there IS a lot to do... the zoo, a hundred different beautiful museums, farmer's markets, tasty restaurants, the fourth largest mall in the country (if you don't hate shopping, which I do), JOHNSON SPACE CENTER (sorry I'm a nerd)... I hope it's at least a *little* bit fun in some way!