I sort of had a tantrum last night. I took about 15 minutes to cry my eyes out to Matt, and yell about how unfair all of this is, and how angry I am, and how I don't want cancer...that I just want to be a normal mom with normal mom worries. I feel I should be honest about every part of this journey, including the really hard times, and yesterday was a hard time. So was the early part of today.
I woke up this morning with an overwhelming feeling of dread. I knew I had to plan my trip to Houston, and I just didn't feel I had the energy to do so. First I made my appointments, which begin at 11 a.m. on Tuesday the 11th. They cannot tell me on what day I will be done. Perhaps it will be Friday the 14th, or perhaps it will spill over into the next week. For a Type A over-planner like myself, this is a difficult thing to not know. But God is refining my personality, that is for sure.
Little sidebar: please pray that I can come home with a treatment plan on Friday the 14th. My cousin Emily is getting married on the 15th, and I very much want to be there. I realize this is a want and not a need, but it would be very sad for me if I'm not able to go.
Anyway, back to the travel plans. I was really hoping M.D. Anderson's travel services department would help us get cheap flights. The cheapest they had as of this morning was $1200/person, and the Rotary House where I would have liked to stay has a 3-4 week waiting list. Talk about being frustrated! I got the names of some area hotels along with a few options for cheaper flights (including, but not limited to, calling the airlines' customer service reps and begging for cheaper rates) and I passed this information on to my mother-in-law who was happy to do some of the leg work. Thank goodness. I just could not bring myself to do it at that point.
During the time she was calling, I went to work on my crabby attitude. I read in the book "Jesus Calling" about being thankful, so I talked to my mom (who came to spend a good part of the day with me) about things I was thankful for. There are so many, even in the midst of such fear and heartache. Also I decided to look at this Houston trip as a vacation (with a few stops at the medical center along the way).
While I was doing all that, my mother-in-law was making phone calls. One of the places she called was Angel Flights, and long story short, we got 2 free plane tickets to Houston! Thank you Southwest and Angel Flights, and thank you God for providing! We also got a discounted hotel rate through a friend who works for a large hotel chain. (Thank you B & J!)
Plus, we will be blessed in Houston with the presence of my dear long-time friend Rachel (Pavlovic) Campbell who will be joining us to help care for Eva.
Now, the other news. In the interest of being completely honest with you, my back pain has returned along with some intermittent pain under my ribs in the front. Do not be discouraged by this. I am not. I continue to pray for healing.
Now, for the real issue. My daughter hasn't pooped in almost 2 days, poor little lady. Darn formula. When she reads this years from now, she's going to hate me for writing this, isn't she?