Of course I can't pretend that every day, no matter how wonderful, isn't darkened by looming scary thoughts. For a moment I'll almost forget about the cancer in my body. Then it all comes back to me...and each time, it seems to hit me like a brick.
I can't pretend that it's easy for me to accept what is happening to me. While doing menial tasks for Eva (changing a diaper, feeding her) I can't help but think about how WRONG this all is. I'm 26. I've always been healthy. I have a wonderful husband and a tiny perfect baby (she's 3 months old today!) and I should NOT have to be thinking about whether or not I'll still be here for her 1st birthday. But we live in a fallen and imperfect world. So while I do recognize the unfairness of it, I will not let that take over and let bitterness rule in my heart.
Then there's the fear. Every ache and pain I have makes me wonder if I'm becoming symptomatic. These last few days I've felt bloated and had some minor stomach pain. Who knows...it could be the stress of everything! But of course it makes me think the cancer is rapidly spreading. Oh Lord, why is it so hard to trust you?
Anyway, tonight as we were driving home from Grandma's, I was feeling very depressed. Another week ahead with no assurance of answers. Another week, full of so many hours of being alone with Eva; just me, her and my thoughts. More fear to fight. More negative thinking to rebut. It's exhausting. Today was a beautiful sunny day, but as we were heading home it started to rain. It was an isolated cloud, surrounded by blue sky, so Matt and I looked for a rainbow. It wasn't long before we saw one...complete and bright, reaching from one end of the sky to the other. I thanked the Lord out loud as peace flowed over me. As God first used the rainbow to remind Noah of His covenant with him, I took it today to be a reminder of all the promises God has made to me. He has promised to take care of me, to carry my burdens, and to meet my every need. I looked at Matt and said, "Everything's going to be alright, isn't it?" He said yes, it would be. But then he's known that all along. I admire his faith.
So this week will be hard, no doubt. But I know I will be carried through it. Here is what I ask for prayer for:
- Continued prayer for healing, peace and strength
- Wisdom for the doctors as they figure out what's specifically wrong with me
- If possible, a diagnosis from Froedtert so I don't have to go to Houston (the logistics of taking that trip with Eva give me a headache)
I appreciate you reading this. I keep hearing of all the people I don't even know who are keeping up with my journey. I can't even believe that so many would be interested in my little life. But I do SO appreciate every single person who reads and who remembers me in prayer. You are my precious warriors.