On to my health...I'm still feeling pretty good. My back does hurt, and sometimes my abdomen around my ribs hurts too, which the doctor explained is because of a lymph node in my abdomen that is swollen to 10 cm at one measurement (about 4 in). This is pressing on nerves and causing the pain. So let's pray that this lymph node shrinks!!!
I am learning so much about trusting God. There's something about top experts in the medical field being unable to diagnose me that has caused an awesome surrender on my part. I no longer wonder about the "what ifs" I wrote about in a previous post. I know if I had a name for this cancer, I would be looking up statistics and trying to figure out how to beat them. Without a name, without a diagnosis, I am learning to just trust. It doesn't matter what the statistics would show. God has this all figured out. He knows the name of this disease. As someone said to me this weekend (in an awesome British accent) at Andrew Wommack's seminar, "Cancer has a name. And Jesus has a name. And Jesus's name is above cancer." Yes, He is the Name above all names.
When I look to the future - which I don't do very often as I have learned through this trial the true meaning of living moment by moment - I see myself well and healthy, raising a family with my wonderful husband and glorifying the God who heals, because I now believe that I will receive healing.
I met some incredible people at the wedding and gift opening this weekend who I never would have met had it not been for cancer. Among them were Matthew (who's about my age), a cancer survivor for 13 years, and his mom Nannette. What amazing people! I have observed that there is a certain depth and intrigue to people who have been through serious trials and have determined to learn from them and use them for good rather than become bitter and/or angry. These people are inspiring to me as I refuse to let cancer win. And when I say I won't let it win, I do mean physically but even more so I refuse to let cancer cause me to suffer without purpose. I will let God use this trial to shape me into a closer resemblance of Jesus.
Anyway, Nannette and Matt...thank you for your encouragement. Thank you also, Nan, for your encouragement to my mom. In the past 3 1/2 months since Eva was born I have experienced a love never before imagined. And because of this, it causes me great pain to think of what my mom must be suffering for me right now. She is so strong, and her faith is unwavering. However, in no way does that make it easy for her. I am sure it was very uplifting to talk to a mother of a survivor.
Well, I suppose this is getting long and I am not gonna lie...I'm exhausted! I definitely skipped church this morning to sleep. I know God understands. I just couldn't pull myself together and get dressed early enough.
My prayer requests for now are this:
- That my back pain will subside
- That I will seek to know Jesus more each and every day and be in constant communion with Him