New news

Merry Christmas and Happy New Year!

I went to get treatment yesterday with Michael and Gina. For those who don't know, Gina is my dear cousin who I grew up with. She was maid of honor in my wedding. She has a very kind heart, especially toward children and those with special needs. She loves Jesus with all her heart, soul, mind and strength. She is also one of the funniest people I know. She is very very dear to me.

Anyway, Michael and I spent the time on the way there explaining to Gina how we pray during treatment, speak to the chemo and take authority over all of it so that she could stand in agreement with us, and not think we were nuts. :) I just know that 9 months ago, I would not have understood where I was coming from in doing so, so I thought we owed her an explanation. We were just never accustomed to praying that way.

Anyway, I had an appointment with the nurse practitioner prior to treatment. She said that one of my liver enzymes (bilirubin) was slightly elevated. Dr. Ritch came in to talk to me about it, and decided to change up the plan. At this point, he doesn't know why the levels are elevated, but he doesn't want to give me any more of the current treatment until he knows if it's working or not. So I did not receive treatment yesterday. Monday, I have a CT scan scheduled at 8 a.m., and a follow up appointment with Dr. Ritch at 11:00 a.m. to discuss the scan. God has not given me a spirit of fear, but of power and of love and of a sound mind (2 Tim 1:7). I won't lie and say I'm not frustrated, but I refuse to be fearful. To me, it doesn't even matter what the scan says. I keep standing on the Word of God, which says I am healed. Therefore, I am healed.

Some things to pray for:
Physical manifestation of healing, including:
-normal bilirubin levels
-no pain
-no tumors
-normal appetite
-no nausea

Thank you all!!!

Still here!

I'm still here!
(this is what Eva says)
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(which is much of the reason I don't get on here to write often)

I also hosted 22 people for Thanksgiving on the Saturday, which kept me quite busy. I am so grateful that I felt incredibly well the week leading up to Thanksgiving. I was able to cook food (though I didn't make the turkey...Aunt Cheryl did that) and was able to enjoy a wonderful Thanksgiving Thursday at my in-laws, go Black Friday shopping with Matt, my cousins and brother followed by a Sprecher Brewery tour (as is tradition), and then have everyone over on Saturday. What a wonderful opportunity to host in our new house. Hosting is one of my greatest passions, and it was amazing to be able to do it!!

I did have a rougher week after that, with symptoms really trying to come against me. But I continue to stand my ground, knowing that my healing has been taken care of by our Lord. He gives me every bit of strength I need. When I find myself starting to worry about "How will I get through the next day?" I remember that it is not a day by day fight, but it is moment by moment, with God taking care of me through every bit of it (many times through putting other people in my life to help and sometimes by just giving me a boost of strength).

Last week, I got a call from Dena, my dietitian at Froedtert. She said she had entered me in an "inspiring families" photo contest with Proud to Introduce photography (proudtointroduce.com) in Wauwatosa, and *gasp* I'd won a full family photo session!!! Saturday Matt, Eva and I went to get our pictures taken and they were ready for us by Sunday night. What a huge blessing!!! Meeting the photographer, Allie, was amazing. She was so wonderful with us and with Eva. We got over 80 pictures and they are each so beautiful! Thank you thank you thank you Dena and Allie!!! It's just to crazy to think that I would by nominated and win something like this. I am still just overwhelmed. Here is one of the pictures that was taken.


I've started going to a charismatic Catholic prayer meeting; last week with my mother-in-law, and then last night with Matt and my friend Joanne. I really enjoy it, and plan to continue going. It is an amazing group of kind people whose lives have truly been touched by the Holy Spirit.

Well, it is time for us to go decorate our Christmas tree. If I don't get pictures up on here, I'll get them up on Facebook. I tend to be slightly better about updating Facebook than I am about this blog. SO, if we're not Facebook friends and you'd like to add me, feel free! As long as you don't look like a creeper, I'll add ya. :)

Enjoy this amazing Advent season as we look forward to celebrating the coming of our Lord to earth as a baby. Thank you God for sending Jesus to us in the most humble of ways. I pray that I can make this season very memorable and meaningful for our family.

Woohoo!

Just saw Dr. Ritch. My blood counts are all almost normal!! We decided I'll have treatment this Friday, which will get me on track to be able to skip Thanksgiving and Christmas weeks!! And Dr. Ritch also said I could skip New Years!!! This is such great news because I will be able to enjoy the holidays. And who knows, maybe I won't even need treatment that much longer. I continue to be full of hope. Praise and thanks be to our God!

Time

I do wish I had more time to update you all. It's not that I have any big news to share, but there are so many little things and "small" blessings each and every day and I would love to be able to share, but here it is, 12:15pm, and I sit here typing while in my PJs because, well, Eva needed to eat and be bathed and be played with, and then she needed to eat again, and now that she's down for a nap and I have cleaned the kitchen, straightened up a little, made the bed, put laundry away...I just felt like sitting and writing for a while rather than showering. Anyway, this entry will probably be short because I do need to shower. Going to my doctor appointment this afternoon in my pajamas just isn't an option for me. I have definitely lost some dignity...first through pregnancy, and now with all the tests and treatment. And I'm not nearly the perfectionist I once was (praise God for that!) but still, I'm not at a point where I can go in public in my PJs. :)

I am still feeling great! Last week Thursday I went in for treatment and was told that my blood counts were too low to receive it. I didn't know whether to be happy or sad, but I was definitely frustrated. When your body isn't behaving how it's supposed to, and you're told by multiple nurses that there's nothing you can do about it, it's a frustrating experience. Low blood counts are a direct result of all the chemo I've received, but I refused to believe there's "nothing I can do about it." I was given the option to receive a blood transfusion, which I discussed with an amazing nurse practitioner named Denise. I decided to decline it, and come back in 2 days to check my levels. For those next two days, Matt and I spoke to my blood and bone marrow, commanding it to restore itself in Jesus' name. (have I ever shared with you that there is scientific proof that our speech center controls the rest of our body? So speaking words like this are useful. Then add the authority graciously given to us through Jesus and His atonement, and these words carry much power.) I went back in Saturday for a blood test, and all my levels (red cells, white cells and platelets) had increased to levels where I did not need a transfusion. Praise God!!!

Today I go in to see Dr. Ritch and reevaluate the treatment schedule.

I wanted to mention something encouraging about the pain I was having. When I was on the chemo that was essentially not working, the pain would return 4-5 days after treatment and get progressively worse until the next treatment when the steroids would take it away for 4-5 days. Well, it's been 2 weeks since my last treatment, and I am still pain free. This is a huge blessing!!! Also, Denise the NP said that my liver function is improving and another number they look at as a tumor marker is down. She was excited about this, so I am very grateful for that as well.

Yesterday I was blessed with Pastor Hanthorn of Christian Life Center in Germantown and a visiting missionary coming over to pray for me. Michael (my brother) was here too. The missionary has seen many people healed (of cancer and many other diseases) and he said that when he was on the way over God was telling him that I would not die, but live. I told him that I absolutely believe this. It was wonderful to have confirmation of what I believe. God is good!!

Psalm 118:17 I will not die but live and proclaim the works of the LORD.

Healed

Since the last medical news I posted was about a "bad" CT scan, you all may think I'm a little nuts to say that I'm healed. But God continues to reveal things to me, and for that I am very grateful. I'll just begin to share some things that have happened, and see where this blog post goes...

On 10/10, I went to church by myself. (Matt stayed home with Eva because Metro Harvest only has one service which falls right during her morning nap.) I was in so much pain, and it was noticeable to those around me. After the service, a woman sitting in front of me asked if I'd ever met Bonnie, and I said no. She said Bonnie has a gift for healing backs, and wondered if I wanted her to pray for me. I said of course. Then, obviously, when Bonnie asked what was going on with my back, I told her everything. She and a woman named Anita prayed for me. Some amazing things happened during their prayers. I don't give a whole lot of credence to my emotions since I know it's easy to be deceived by how I feel, but I am confident that something powerful happened when they prayed. After a while of their praying, I felt waves of peace and health come over me, and when I stood up, I had no pain. None. I felt whole and healthier than I have in a very long time. When I got home, I ran into the house in amazing excitement, and told everyone who would listen (family was visiting) that I'd been healed.

Now, fast forward 5 hours. The pain came back and I felt awful. Just days later, I got the CT scan. When I went for chemo the Thursday after, I was so sick. But, here's what I can tell you about that. I cling to Ephesians 6:12. "For our struggle is not against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the powers of this dark world and against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly realms."

There is truly a spiritual battle going on here, and I believe that on that day, we gained much ground. And for those 5 beautiful hours, I was free of sickness.

I'm now two weeks into the new chemo. The first week was a little rough because I was sick and weak going into it. Previous to starting the new treatment, I hadn't eaten much in days. It took me 45 minutes to choke down a piece of toast the day before. I was in terrible pain, and hadn't slept much in days because of it. Also, the sleep I had gotten was done while sitting cross-legged in bed with two pillows on my lap and then laying my head on the pillows. NOT a good thing for one's back. So on top of the other pain, I was having back spasms. (Please understand that I'm not trying to complain, but only going into detail for the sake of comparison. It gets better, I promise). So week 1 of the new stuff was okay, but not great. Week 2, however, has been a comparative breeze! I am completely pain free (and have been since about 2 days after the 1st treatment), and my nausea is controlled. In fact, today I didn't even take anything for it. I just realized that! I have taken only 1 nap, about 1 hour long, since my last treatment almost a week ago. I have gone jogging twice, and have been doing push-ups and sit-ups. Today, I was gone from home from 9 a.m. to 4 p.m. and I feel only as fatigued as any mom of an incredibly active 9 month old would feel. :) I am so excited that I am experiencing life more abundantly, as Jesus promised. I am so thankful to Him for his GOODNESS!

I continue to confess the Scriptures daily. I continue to speak only positive words over my body. I have begun to understand (if even a tiny tiny bit) about faith, and what it means to talk about being healed even when scans show otherwise. (I have struggled with this concept as I am a logical woman and sometimes faith defies logic). I am well and healthy, and soon this battle will be won.

Psalm 91:14-16: The Lord says, “I will rescue those who love Me. I will protect those who trust in My name. When they call on Me, I will answer; I will be with them in trouble. I will rescue and honor them. I will reward them with a long life and give them My salvation."

Much to Say

Our house has been one full of prayer this last week. One thing I've learned to do (and science backs this up as legit, as do many verses in the Bible) is speaking out loud directly to the cancer, the pain, and the abnormalities in my body. I go through many declarations, reading them out loud each day from a booklet written by Charles Capp called "God's Creative Power for Healing" and also reading the Bible verses that go along with them. I also read out loud the Bible verses about strength from my friend Roger that I've mentioned before. I have prayers that I pray over myself and my family (originally prayers that Paul prayed to the Colossians and Ephesians) that pertain to knowing God more and understanding His POWER that is at work within us. I've never prayed written prayers, or prayed prayers directly from the Bible before, but reading verses again and again out loud really helps them get into my heart. It's not just a rote exercise so I can say "I did it." It is permeating my very soul and changing me from the inside out. Recently, my mom heard a story of a woman who was miraculously healed from a brain infection. The doctors said every day she would die, or live a life in a vegetative state. This woman's husband prayed a prayer over her every day as he rejected all the negative reports of the doctor. Not only did she live, she was restored to full health. We have that prayer printed with all the scriptural backup, and Matt prays it over me every night, and my mom and mother-in-law have also prayed it over me. Then of course, there are the countless others (YOU) who have been lifting me up in prayer. I don't say this to brag about all the praying we've been doing, because there is no pride in this. There is simple dependence on the power that I believe is at work in my body, even when the results aren't there before my eyes just yet.

I had my CT scan on Wednesday, and can I just say I'm so thankful for Froedtert Hospital. They are so kind, and so much less invasive with their scans than other places I've had them. They don't make me undress, or drink barium (which makes me so sick...YUCK!), and they don't make me wait for 3 hours. It was so seemless. Thank you, Candy and all the other people who blessed my life on Wednesday.

Yesterday I saw Dr. Ritch. He and his staff addressed my issues with pain and nausea that I've been having. One of my main concerns was that I haven't been able to eat much of anything for the past week, and when I would eat I would just throw up. I was even throwing up plain water. And obviously I've been losing weight. I'd been trying Boost shakes, but the nutritionist Dena suggested shakes called ScandiShakes which have double the calories of Boost. So with one of those shakes plus a Boost I can get all the calories I need for a day, and then add food as I can.

They addressed my pain as best they could, but when morphine and Vicodin and Oxycodone are barely taking the edge off, it's pretty frustrating. They keep assuring me there is more we can try, but then I've heard that before with the anti-nausea meds, and I'm kind of at the end of those possibilities with Lorazepam (Ativan) as the one that works but it makes me SO tired. The side effects are a big issue when you have a VERY active 8 month old to take care of. I mean, I have a lot of help with her much of the time but I don't have (nor do I want) someone here 24/7 to care for me and for her. I'm not THAT sick. But for anyone who has had chronic pain (and I know at least some of you have) you understand how wearing it is.

Then of course, the results of the CT scan. Bottom line is that the new chemo is not working, so we switched it up again. The doctor is hopeful about this new combination, and neither of the drugs are associated with nausea and vomiting. I woke up this morning hungry and thirsty, so I had yogurt and water. And so far, so good. The "bad" things with this new chemo are that I have to go every week for 3 weeks, then off for 1 week, on 3, off 1. This is just logistically bad with getting help with Eva. The other bad news is that there's a possibility that my G.I. Jane hair could fall out.

But there is much good associated with the new regimen. So far, I feel VERY good for it being the day after chemo. I have big goals for today including showering, making the bed, going to the new Woodman's, and maybe hitting up a rummage sale or two if I find some good ones.

And now, the most exciting short term news...at least it's exciting for someone who's been in terrible pain for the last week and a half. Every time I get chemo, they give me steroids. The steroids completely annihilate my pain for up to 2 weeks. I've been told by a nurse practitioner that the steroids couldn't be what's doing this for that long, but no one can give me any other ideas as to why I go from terrible pain that keeps me awake at night, which morphine just takes the edge off, but by the time I leave the hospital after chemo, the pain is GONE completely, and when it does come back anti-inflammatory drugs such as Ibuprofen knocks it out better than the "hard core" drugs (but I'm limited to how much of these I can take for other reasons). Anyway, to me it seems like an inflammation issue since anti-inflammatory drugs (NSAIDS, steroids) help. But anyway, I'm getting off track. I'm excited because now I'll get the steroids every week, so this should really keep the pain at bay until the mighty power of Prayers of Faith begin to manifest in my body and shrink the tumors to nothing so there is nothing else inflamed and I can get on with my life, serving the Lord my God with 100% of me, instead of just what's left when I can get off the couch/out of bed.

Anyway, God's presence was so strongly with me and my mom yesterday when the doctor gave us the news that the scans showed progression of some of the tumors. I just kept repeating part of the prayer that Matt's been praying over me. "I do not judge by the sight of my eyes, but by the Word of God." And also Hebrews 11:1 (which is on the wall in Eva's room on a beautiful cross...a gift from Grandma Jeanette for her baptism) "Now faith is being sure of what we hope for, and certain of what we do not see." I had no fear, but complete peace as I spoke with the doctor.

Then, I asked the doctor if he's ever seen anyone supernaturally healed. I could tell he probably wasn't comfortable with my terminology, but he did tell me he has seen things throughout his career that he couldn't explain. People "responding to treatment" in amazing ways. He said he saw a lot of it in lung cancer and breast cancer in his past, but since he's been in GI cancers, he shared 3 stories with me of people who amazingly overcame cancer that they shouldn't have made it through. One lady didn't even get treatment. The other two had treatment that completely took care of their cancer and it has never returned. I told him I was trusting God for that. I will be his next "unexplainable."

Well, I had better go attend to my goals for today, such as showering. :) Jeanette is here with me today, and she's getting Eva dressed at the moment. Thanks for reading, and thanks for all your prayers. We continue to stand on the WORD OF GOD as truth, and truly, nothing else matters. God's Word CANNOT lie.

One more thing I wanted to share...a word from my brother after we prayed fervently for my back pain the other night. It made me cry because of the beautiful picture it portrayed. He said, "You know, when Jesus was on the cross 2000 years ago, he saw your face. He did that for you. I know he saw everyone's face, but I think each one was just as personal as the next." So as he saw my face and knew that he was dying to save me from cancer in my mortal life and from my sins for all eternity, he was doing the same for you, as he saw your face as well.

Thank you all for your uplifting words, letters, cards, etc. If you are ever able and willing to help during the days watching Eva, check the Lotsa Helping Hands website for available dates. https://www.lotsahelpinghands.com/c/626581/login/
I'm not sure yet how much help I'll need with this new chemo, but I'll keep that website updated as it becomes clear how much I'm able to do myself and how much assistance I need.

Love to you all!

Dinner Time

So I'm going to make dinner tonight (just BLTs, nothing fancy) but I'm excited about it because I haven't cooked in a while. I say this because this will be a very short blog entry due to the fact that I'm hungry, and I think Matt is too. :)

But I wanted to give a quick update. It seems it was the Irinotecan chemo drug that caused me to lose my hair. I'm no longer on it, and my hair is growing back! It looks like a very short buzz cut right now, but I've showed those closest to me, and I'm getting more comfortable being seen without the wig or scarf. It's so freeing! So who knows...maybe one day I'll even post a picture. :)

I'm feeling good today, and for this I am so grateful. Thanks for all your prayers!

Quick update

My last round of chemo (on 9/22) was really rough, and I've been pretty sick ever since. But tonight I felt much of the sickness lift, and I am feeling much better. Praise God!

I have a CT scan coming up on 10/13, and I ask for your continued prayers and belief with me that it will show I am cancer free.

Also, I have spent time the last 2 nights answering email. I am down to 177 in my inbox! I want you to know that if you have written to me, I HAVE read it. I read every single email. If you have sent me a Scripture, I am working now to put them into a Word document that I will keep with me for quick reference. If you have sent me an encouraging song or video, I have either watched/listened or added it to my list of things to watch/listen. I appreciate every encouragement, and even more than that I need them. There's a verse in Isaiah (41:13) that I've been meditating on which says: For I am the LORD, your God,
who takes hold of your right hand
and says to you, Do not fear;
I will help you.

One of the ways God is holding my hand and helping me is through all of you. Through your prayers, encouragement, belief and unending hope I am given strength. It is with this strength that I continue to battle the fight for my life...the fight that I will WIN. I am "hard pressed on every side, but not crushed; perplexed, but not in despair; persecuted, but not abandoned; struck down, but not destroyed." (2 Corinthians 4:8-9) The Word of God says that I am more than a conqueror through Jesus who loves me (Romans 8:37), so who am I to question that or to think any differently.

Praise you Lord that your Word is TRUE!

Blessings

I saw a new doctor on Thursday...Dr. Ritch at Froedtert. He was originally recommended to me by two of my original doctors, but for various reasons I went elsewhere. Now, for other reasons, I've switched to him.

My mother-in-law and Eva came to my appointment with me on Thursday. My mom wanted to come but couldn't get off of work. :( Anyway, we waited for 2 hours to see the doctor, during which time I became rather nervous. I had heard all kinds of things about Dr. Ritch that made him seem "scary." I felt intimidated before I even met him. I spent a lot of time before the appointment praying, and once we got into a room, Jeanette and I prayed. I know Jesus was there holding my hand because I felt so much peace. Once I actually met Dr. Ritch, I felt silly for being so afraid. I could write for many paragraphs about why this is, but much of it was intangible. I just felt comfortable with him. I could ask him questions, and I felt he really listened to what I was saying. He was very attentive. I now feel very much at peace with my choice to switch doctors/hospitals.

Right now I ask for your prayers for wisdom as I figure out the best way to deal with pain. I haven't been sleeping well because of it, and it has been an emotional challenge. However, last night I determined it would not get me down, and so in the middle of the night while waiting for my heating pad to warm up in the microwave for the millionth time, I just danced in my living room and praised God. (my neighbors probably think I'm crazy...and you would too if you've ever seen me dance)

Now for the exciting news! Tomorrow Matt and I are going to the Packer game!!! The tickets were a gift from Lisa Boortz and her husband. I have only met Lisa one time, and am just blown away by their generous gift!! We are so excited. Pictures to come... :)

Another huge blessing in this past week... I had "baby food" on my grocery list, and before I made it to the store I was given a HUGE supply by two of my cousins. They both have babies who have moved on to real people food so they didn't need it anymore. Thank you God! (and Shawn and Karen)

Well, I'd better go get Eva's things together for her day with Grandma Gigi tomorrow, and Matt's and my things together for the game. Woohoo! Goodnight :)

Strength!

Today I am praising God for strength! The Word of God is alive and true. I have kept reading my "strength" verses every day, and each time I do they become more alive to me (rather than becoming "old hat"). I feel very good today, completely strengthened and alive; no longer weary.

May I recommend a book to all of you? I just finished it last night. It's called "The Cross and the Switchblade" by David Wilkerson. It's a true story of how a small-town pastor started a hugely effective ministry to some of New York's hardest gang members in the 1950's. (The ministry still exists today). The book itself is a page-turner; it simply tells a good and intriguing story. But what I absolutely love about it is that it depicts the purity of God's love and compassion for people. If you've ever doubted that God's love and power is real, I urge you to read this book. (and even if you haven't, I still think you should read it). :)

One thing I noticed about myself in the past weeks is that my interest in my appearance has been waning. Running through my head have been thoughts like, "I am freaking 27 years old and have no hair. Why should I bother to put on makeup?" I used to enjoy getting dressed up and such, but lately there's been no joy in it. Well, for whatever reason yesterday I woke up with a renewed spirit (has someone out there been praying for that?). I decided I was going to look nice for a change, and NOT like a cancer patient. I've had a wig for some time now that Aunt Betsy (who is currently battling cancer for the 3rd time) graciously lent me. I don't know why, but I never wanted to wear it. Yesterday I decided I would. I felt a little embarrassed about it at first, but once I got used to it, it was wonderful! I put on makeup, wore some favorite clothes, and had a really nice day of it! :) I'm back to the bandanna today, mostly because I don't know how to care for the wig. Note to self: call Aunt Betsy and ask her. :) Anyway, here's a picture of me in the wig. It's a little askew here, but you get the idea.

I had a wonderful lunch date today with Michelle Frie. She and her husband are pastors of Metro Harvest Church here in Menomonee Falls. I've gone twice (and Matt came with me this past week) and I really enjoy it.

Oh, another example of God's provision before I close this. Today I was at Target browsing the baby aisles and they had 7 cans of Enfamil ready-made formula on clearance for $2.50 (originally $6.50). I thought for a minute that maybe I shouldn't buy them, recalling the Bible story of the Israelites "storing up" manna and having it go bad because they weren't trusting God. But it's not like I went to Target to buy formula because I wasn't trusting God to provide. It was just there, and for such a good deal!! So I bought all they had. :) Then I got home and saw on my mess of a desk that I had Enfamil coupons (sent to me by my cousin Jodi...thanks Jodi!) for $5 off. So I will go back to Target with my receipt and see if they can still apply the coupon. I think they should be able to. Thank you God!

Hehe, I didn't think I'd get to write so much because Eva was getting fussy in her Pack N Play. But before I even had a chance to go get her, she fell asleep. she is such a sweet girl, and such a source of JOY in our lives. Thank you God for the gift of Eva.

On the upswing

Thanks for your prayers this week. I had some frustrating experiences involving insurance approving my new medicine at the beginning of this week, but thanks to my amazing mom everything is now worked out.

I had the first cycle of my new chemo on Monday. I can't say for sure yet, but I think it's going to be somewhat better than what I was on, though I'm not gonna lie...it still sucks. I'm now on Oxaliplatin (sp?), Avastin and a pill called Xeloda (which is a pill form of 5FU). I was able to eat at least a little each day, and that part seems to be getting better with time. I'm not sure how it'll be with the Xeloda pill because I take it for 2 weeks straight (rather than getting a big IV dose in one day). I thought I was going to be on an every 2-week cycle, but since I'm on Xeloda and not 5FU it's every 3 weeks. For this I'm grateful. Finding 5 days worth of help every 2 weeks would have been a logistical nightmare, and so very taxing on my mom and mother-in-law. It's hard enough for them as it is, and if I stop and think about it for more than 2 seconds I get so stressed about how stressed THEY must be. So I just don't think about it. I just hope they know how much I appreciate them. I will never be able to repay what they've done for us, and what they will do for us in the future. May God richly bless them.

My prayer these days is for strength. I am weary of the journey. A friend (Roger) gave me a list of Bible verses related to strength, and I read them as often as I think of it. I pray they will become food for my soul which will translate to strength for my body.

Matt's grandparents were here on Wednesday and they took us to Steinhafel's to buy us a mattress and box spring for our guest room. (Thank you so much "Nana and Papa!") I wanted so badly to go along even though I felt so sick. I just set my mind that I would go, and so I went. I am so glad I got to go. I hate missing things!!! I know it seems like something small, but it was important for me. Thank you Lord for the boost necessary to get off the couch.

Today I went to lunch with Mom and Michael. Again, I had to peel myself off the couch to go, but I'm so glad I did. My new phrase is, "I REFUSE to become weak." I realize my body needs rest after chemo, but I will not rest one SECOND longer than necessary. I have way too much life to live. After lunch, we stopped at the hardware store so I could get wood glue, sand paper, nail hole filler and Old English for a few little projects I want to do at home. I got part of them done today and hope to finish them tomorrow. Then, of course, I needed to rest.

Eva gets more spirited every day. She is so full of joy. I am ready to be well so that I may fully enjoy her. I try not to think that I'm "missing" any moments with her when I'm sick, but that the moments I'm well mean so much more because I appreciate them so much more than I ever would have before. I don't think you can go through something like this and not learn to appreciate every single moment.

Anyway, I hope I don't sound like a whiner or a complainer. I am grateful for so much, but it's hard to not wish for this battle to end and for the victory to be in-hand. I believe it is there in the future, and I just pray for patience as I wait in hope for the Lord.

Home

Ah, we're home. Things went okay at M.D. Anderson. Many of the areas that they saw cancer in have shrunk, but two areas have gotten bigger. Because of this, Dr. V is changing my chemo. I now have to go every 2 weeks instead of every 3, but the new regimen will supposedly be easier on my body. I didn't even bother reading the side effects. I'd rather not know.

I will just keep on believing that my next scan will be cancer free. I was disappointed that this wasn't the one, but it's coming. I know it is.

In the meantime, please pray for me as I press on. Right now I feel just fine physically, but there is a weariness in me that is difficult to explain. Please pray for strength.

Oh, for the fun of it I'm going to tell you about our day yesterday. It was a little insane. Well, to add to the insanity you need to hear about Wednesday first. We left home at 4 a.m. for our 6 a.m. flight, parked in the remote lot at the airport in Milwaukee, caught our flight to Houston and arrived with enough time to eat lunch before I had to check in for my blood work and CT scan. After all the lovely CT scan prep (eww, eww, gag, gag), I finally got my scan at 7:30 p.m., and we got back to the hotel around 8:30...exhausted of course.

So yesterday I had my appointment with Dr. V at 8:30 a.m. and then we went back to our hotel to get the rental car and head to the airport. We got there at about 11 a.m. so we tried to change our flight from a 3:30 p.m. to a 12:10 p.m. 12:10 was full, so we asked to be put on standby. Turns out that plane had a stop in Orlando, and so even if we got on the 12:10 in Houston, there was no guarantee of a seat on the Orlando to Milwaukee leg, and if we didn't get on that one we'd be stuck in Orlando overnight. So scratch that, we stayed on the 3:30. I had such a desire to get home and see Eva that I was pretty upset we couldn't get on the earlier flight, but such is life. We hung out at the airport 'til about 2:30 when I got an automated courtesy call from Southwest saying that our 3:30 flight was now scheduled to depart at 5:45. Oh, and did I mention that there's no such thing as a direct Southwest flight from Houston to Milwaukee? No, this 3:30-turned-5:45 flight had a scheduled stop in Dallas and Kansas City before landing in Milwaukee so we'd be getting in VERY late. Anyway, this delay just about put me over the edge emotionally. I was not happy. I woke Matt up from his nap and asked if he wanted to try to get on a flight to Chicago instead. So we went to the counter and asked to switch to the Chicago flight departing at 3:15. God bless that ticket counter lady. She switched our flight, took one look at me and said, "Do you want to pre-board?" and gave us a "pre-board for disability" pass. Um, I didn't think I looked THAT bad, but I guess the free flight passes from Angel Flights plus the head scarf plus the fact that I'm pretty sure I laid my head on the counter in a "I am so done" way while she changed our flight added up to her making the conclusion that we needed to pre-board. I don't usually like to do anything that allows me to identify as "sick" if I can in any way avoid it, but whatever. We pre-boarded. Matt made a call to Amtrak to book tickets from Chicago to Milwaukee on the 8:05 p.m. train and we flew to Chicago arriving around 5:30 p.m. We hopped on the Orange Line train (good thing we know our way around Chicago), ironically passing by our city apartment (which we still have for another 9 days or something) and hopped off at Quincy to go to Union Station. We got to Union around 6:30, had a couple of cheap beers while we waited, and then got on the Amtrak at 8:05. We arrived at the Milwaukee Airport Amtrak stop at about 9:30 and got on a shuttle to take us to our car. (the Amtrak lot is not the same as the remote lot we'd parked in the morning before. Wow, was that just a day ago??) We asked the driver if he could take us to the "A Lot" and he said, "Yeah, I'll take you there" in a voice that clearly stated he would take us, but he wasn't happy about it. As he pulled into the lot, he asked where we were parked. Matt told him, "I don't really know. Just drop us off at the main shuttle stop and we'll find it." And, the dude says in his obviously annoyed tone, "Why didn't you just park in the Amtrak lot?" AHHHHHH, I didn't know whether to laugh or cry, but I will tell you this much. Dude was just lucky that: 1.) We are both pretty non-confrontational and 2.) We were both too tired to say much of anything anyway.

Unbelievable.

But anyway, new subject. Here's where I'm at tonight (besides exhausted as we just got home from a day at the zoo). God is good. He is healing my body, even if the physical evidence isn't there yet. I don't understand why I'm not better yet (or wasn't at the time of the scan) but I believe that I have a destiny that includes me surviving for many many more years, and so I WILL be healed.

Thank you all for your prayers. I ask that you continue to pray for my strength as I battle both physically and more importantly spiritually. John 10:10 says "The thief comes only to steal and kill and destroy; I have come that they may have life, and have it to the full." So I claim that "life to the full" is for me, and know that cancer is NOT life to the full. I will be well and I will have life to the full once again. Please pray that I have the strength to hang on to such promises.

Thank you all!!

Houston

Another long overdue post. My time to write gets shorter and shorter as little Eva chose 6 months of age as her preferred time to start crawling/scooting/dragging herself across the floor. Whatever you call it, she gets where she wants to go, and she does so rather quickly. Un momento as I go redirect her toward toys and away from electrical outlets...

Anyway, I wanted to let you all know a couple of things.
1. My tumor markers continue to go down. Praise God!
2. Wednesday and Thursday of this week I go to M.D. Anderson for a CT scan (Wednesday afternoon) and an appointment with Dr. Varadhachary (Thursday morning). Matt is coming with me, and Eva is staying with Grandma Jeanette.

Please pray for our trip and the results of the scan. I am believing wholeheartedly that eventually my body will catch up with what my spirit already knows, and I will have a clean bill of health. I am praying that this would be the scan that shows I am cancer-free. Please join me in that prayer.

Also, as mentioned on this blog before, I have pain that has come and gone away twice now in my upper left abdomen. The timing of it is bizarre (it comes 1 week before I have chemo, and goes away when I get chemo). I talked to a nurse practitioner (Kristi) today, and she thought it could be related to the Neulasta injection that I get after chemo to boost my blood counts, because it can possibly cause spleen enlargement. But she seemed to think it was bizarre timing for it to be that. She offered no other suggestions though. Let me for one moment vent. I am SO SICK OF BEING A MEDICAL MYSTERY. But I have to just thank God that He knows all things, and that He is trustworthy and with me on this insane journey. That being said, the end of this week or early next week when the pain would be "due" to return, and I am just praying against that. I don't care what it's from, I refuse to let pain rule my life.

Oh, another piece of good news to share. I had my 4th round of chemo on Aug 5th, and this time the recovery has been the best yet. I had less nausea, very little loss of appetite, and less of the other horrid side effects that have accompanied my chemo in the past. Especially since I'm told that chemo side effects are often cumulative (they get worse each time) I find this awesome. I believe that God is carrying me through this and that is why it is not effecting me nearly as badly as it could.

So that's the update. A HUGE thank you to everyone for your continued support and prayers. For those who make meals or come to be with me and Eva after chemo, you are my angels. To my mom and Jeanette for sacrificing SO MUCH for us, you are amazing and I love you so much.

I will post more after I return from Houston. Bye for now!

Provision

I told my mom the other day that all of the formula we've been given for Eva is like manna from heaven. However, I was almost out. But I told her I wasn't going to buy more until I was totally out. When the Israelites tried to save manna for more than a day, it went bad. God provides right now, in THIS moment, and he wants us to rely on Him for the right now, and not worry about tomorrow. So it was just on my heart that I wasn't going to buy more formula until Eva literally had no more to eat. Within 2 days of telling my mom this, look at the provision!

This was all free in the past few days.

There has been SO much formula given to me. Since I had to stop breastfeeding, I have only had to buy 1 or 2 tubs of formula...probably what I would have bought anyway, even if I was still breastfeeding, to use for convenience. I am blown away by God's provision, and by the generosity of those who have given me their formula samples or just bought formula for Eva. We are so blessed and so grateful.

I've been having some pain lately. It's in my abdomen on the left side, and has been keeping me from sleeping. I asked God for relief on my birthday, and He gave it to me. I slept all night with no pain medication at all. The pain is back somewhat today, and I asked the doctor about it. His theory is that the chemo is causing inflammation in my bowels, and that is causing the pain. I pray against the pain, the root of the pain, and any other chemo side effects from today's treatment. I don't want to put up with this physical torment anymore, so I just pray against it, and pray that God's healing power will be upon me.

Thanks for all your prayers and support!!!

Time

As I mentioned, I've been busy. I apologize for the delay. But I have a little time now so I will let you know what's going on.

We closed on our house last Friday, and after cleaning and getting things ready over the weekend (with SO much help. THANK YOU to everyone who helped!) we began moving in on Tuesday. Now, pretty much all our boxes are unpacked though not everything is organized. It's functional, so the rest can be a work in progress.

Today, we bought a 2nd car. It's a 2007 Ford Fusion. Woohoo! Pictures to come... Now, no more spending money for a while. :)

Yesterday I made the mistake of letting myself begin to feel sorry for myself. We were unpacking while watching Eva learn to crawl (she's getting scary good), and I let bitterness creep in. I let feelings of "this would be the PERFECT life if I didn't have cancer" take root, along with thoughts of "God, what are you DOING? I'm trusting you to heal me, so why hasn't it happened yet?" And then, of course, one negative thought lead to another: I hate that I don't have hair and have to wear these stupid scarves. I hate that everything that's supposed to be joyful is overshadowed by this dark cloud. I hate that I've never abused my body yet this still happened. Hate hate hate. Wah Wah Wah.

Now, I'm not saying it's wrong to be sad once in a while, but letting these types of thoughts live for more than a moment is unfruitful and unhealthy and frankly disobedient. I am to be joyful in all things (yep, that's ALL things, even cancer). I am called to trust. I am told to take all thoughts captive (2 Corinthians 10:5) and make them obedient to Christ. To me, what that means is to stop these thoughts in their tracks and not let them go where they please. When I do let them go where they please, I end up like last night, in bed sobbing, feeling sorry for myself. When I take thoughts captive, which I am generally in the habit of doing, I am joyful and faith filled. It is where faith exists that I give God room to work. And more than ever, I NEED Him to work in my life.

I am praying for my relationship with God to become more real than it has ever been. I don't want the relationship to be all about my healing. I want it to be about knowing Him and understanding His love and letting that love transform me. I feel like I'm on the brink of something big. I'm not sure what, but it's going to be amazing.

I never wrote about this, but a few weeks back my brother and I went to Minnesota to the Andrew Wommack Gospel Truth Seminar. I had hoped to meet Andrew and have him pray for me, but it didn't work out that way. Instead, I met a woman named Melinda who is head of their prayer team. She was one of those people who I just trusted from the moment we began talking. She has seen miracles happen: she has prayed for cancer to be healed before, and it has been healed. And her husband was a quadriplegic who was told he would never walk again or use one of his hands. I met him. He does both.

Anyway, Melinda prayed for me. She knew nothing about me except that I had cancer. I didn't spend time telling her my story like I do most people. She didn't pray for my spirit of fear to be gone, like other people have done (which was refreshing since I don't have fear.) She prayed for the cancer to die and leave my body in Jesus' name. Then she stopped and asked if I had any kids. I told her about Eva. She said, "You want more, don't you?" Now for those of you who don't know me, I have always had one dream and that is to be a wife and a mother. I have always wanted 6 kids. I have always known that I would fight to have a good marriage and choose to love and respect my husband in all things. When I first was diagnosed I was sitting at Pizza Hut with my mom and I was angry. I was telling her that while I knew God could do great things with me through this trial, this is NOT what I wanted my ministry to be. I wanted to be a good wife and a mom, and help other people to be good wives and mothers. THAT is what I wanted my ministry to be. Anyway, back to Melinda. I told her that yes, I wanted to have more kids. She smiled and said something along the lines of, "You will. You'll have lots of kids. I can just see them all with you. And...you'll help other moms who are having trouble. That is your purpose." I began laughing through my tears. It was God reassuring me that he has a plan for my life, and it is not to end here or anytime soon and that he will give me the desires of my heart. I have never had anyone speak about my future like that, especially someone who doesn't know me. It was powerful, and I am grateful for the experience.

Well, I should go. I think Matt and I are going to play some Mario Kart Wii and then go to bed. I will try to write more often now that I should have more time.

-Please pray for my physical health as I approach another round of chemo on 8/5. I dread these treatments more than anything.

-For perseverance as I press on in faith. I am struggling with worrying about what other people will think as I step out in radical faith, so I pray for complete abandon to His will.

-For Matt and me - for our marriage as we face trying and stressful times.

Busy Busy

Just a quick note to say I'm sorry I haven't been writing. Ever since recovering from my last round of chemo, I have been SO BUSY!! We're closing on our house in 2 days, and are in the process of moving and doing all the lovely things that accompany moving.

Things are going fine, but I would ask for your prayers. For Matt and for myself, I ask for prayer for a childlike faith that doesn't question what God is doing, but just believes.

Hi :)

I just love this picture. It's from Bay Beach that day I was supposed to go to chemo but didn't. :) I love how ever since we were dating, Matt would invite me to sit on his lap, but I would protest that I'm too heavy. He would say "No you're not." So I would sit, and he would inevitably at some point make some kind of groaning noise indicating that yes, in fact, I was too heavy. I think something like that happened in this picture. :)

Chemo has once again knocked me on my keester (not gonna lie...I had to look up how to spell that since it's not my standby alternative-for-backside term) and I hate it more than ever. I just keep praying that if this really is the way that God has planned healing for me, He will continue to give me strength to get through it.

The good news, however, is that the most prominent effect from it this time is exhaustion. Not the awful GI stuff I've had the last 2 times. For this, I am grateful. So very grateful.

As one of my inspirations, Niki Ochenski Weller, who went through 5 long years of illness before being healed said, "I used to tell God, 'I can do anything for half a second.'" I've felt that way many times over the last few days. God is there, always, without fail, in that half a second. He is NOW. He is not in the "What happens next time I have to go for treatment? Who will take care of Eva? How will I get through moving into a new house?" or the zillions of other things I could be worrying about. He is in the right now this instant. And in this very instant He is faithful. Of course He does hold my future, but we're not there yet. We're here, in this half of a second. And I thank Him for always being there.

More Info

I just spoke to the nurse practitioner Lindsey, and got some more information. For those of you who want medical details, here you go!

The latest scan was done at Waukesha Memorial. The scan that they're comparing it to was done at Froedtert. Since it was a different machine I'm told they can't compare the two scans in regard to size of tumors. (which to me begs the question, why didn't they do a scan when I first started treatment at Waukesha Memorial to use as a baseline?) But whatever...

-On a previous scan, they had seen a 6mm nodule in one of my lungs. It is no longer there.
-My enlarged lymph node has shrunk considerably. My M.D. Anderson scan had it at 10cm. It is now measuring 3cm.
-The large tumor in my liver has shrunk
-My tumor markers continue to go down. CA 125 was in the 200's, 2 weeks ago was at 87.2 and is now 74.5. CEA was in the 400's, 2 weeks ago was 125 and now is 110.61.

One thing that I need to work on is my belief that God can heal cancer. Of course on an intellectual level, I know that He can because He can do anything. And experientially, I've heard of so many stories of cancers being cured. But from time to time, it will enter my mind that cancer is especially tough. I'm sure this is because compared to a sinus infection, medically, it IS much tougher. But God who knitted me together in my mother's womb and created my inmost being (Psalm 139:13) and is able to do imeasurably more than all I ask or imagine according to His power that is at work within me (Ephesians 3:20) can surely take care of a little (or a lot of) cancer.

Sorry for the Delay

I'm sorry for the delay in updating. It's been a busy couple of weeks! I was scheduled to get chemo a week ago, and I postponed it so that I could enjoy a day at Bay Beach with my family, the 4th of July, and Matt's and my anniversary on 7/7. As I write now, I am at the hospital receiving my chemo pre-meds.

I received my PET scan results, and while they are not cancer-free as I had hoped, things look okay. There's really no new news to share except that my swollen lymph node that I was told at one point was 10 cm is now measuring 3 cm. Praise God for that!

I feel I should address the fact that it wasn't cancer-free as I had declared it would be. I believe that God's healing is powerfully at work in my body, even though it's just not physically evident yet. The scan was already 2 weeks ago, so who knows what's going on at this very moment! I don't understand the process, but I know the end result that I have been promised. By His stripes we have been healed (1 Peter 2:24). My prayer is that the physical manifestation of it will come quickly so that others will believe. I also want the manifestation so I don't have to have anymore of this awful treatment. I hate to complain, but it is really horrid. I ask for your prayers this weekend and all of next week as I deal with the side effects.

In the meantime, I am searching my heart for anything that may be hindering me from receiving my miracle. God has shown me a few things that I need to deal with, and I plan to do so just as soon as possible. I ask that you would also pray with me for wisdom as I seek His face and learn about anything He may want me to do. (note: I do not feel that I need to "earn" my healing by my works. Rather, I feel that in order to receive from God I need to have a good relationship with Him. And if I have bitterness and unbelief in any area of my life, that could hinder my receiving.)

I've had some very exciting answers to prayer. One was that I asked God to bring someone into my life who had been healed of cancer. Yesterday my friend Cindy was over, and told me about her friend Angela who was healed from Leukemia after Angela's brother Matt prayed for her. Tonight, Cindy, Angela, and Matt (who, "ironicaly" I know from years and years ago)are coming over to tell her story and to pray with me. Awesome!!!

I'll write more about the other answer to prayer when I have more details. But it's shaping up to be pretty amazing.

God bless you all. Keep believing!! God is so good!

No New News

I just wanted to let you faithful readers/warriors know that there is no new news on the medical front. I continue to trust that God has healed me. I have moments where I doubt and begin thinking like a "normal person", but then I just remind myself of all the things I've learned in the past 3 months. God is so good and kind. He wants me well. He took away my back pain before I began treatment. He has given all believers power in THIS life to overcome sickness and disease and oppression. This is amazing revelation to me that I never knew before. And of course being a logical person, I would never believe it if there wasn't evidence of it. But miracles do happen and are happening every single day for those that believe! Just yesterday I talked to a pastor of a local church, and he told me about healings that have happened in their congregation as recently as last Sunday. Praise God!!!

You know, I have always told people I had a relationship with Jesus. For instance, if someone asked if I was religious, I would say "no, not really" but would explain about my personal relationship with Jesus. Now I'm realizing something. Prior to 3 months ago, I was almost all talk. I'm not saying I wasn't a Christian or didn't know a lot about Jesus. I was and I did. I did my best to live a life that showed love and compassion. I strove to be a woman of grace and kindness. Once in a while, I picked up a Bible or prayed outside of church. But my approach to God was that His ways were above my ways, and I shouldn't even try to understand Him. I should just accept my lot in life as His will, and if times got tough, pray for the strength to get through. I thought I had the Christian life all figured out! So when cancer hit, I felt it important to maintain that stoic acceptance of my situation, and pray for the grace to get through each day. God met me where I was at. Even before I believed I would be healed, I had an amazing peace for which I will be forever grateful. The days would have been awful if it hadn't been for His peace, which the Bible says passes all understanding. It did. I was able to sleep, even when I thought I was dying.

I can't even begin to put into words (in one blog post that I'm trying to keep from running on and on) everything that I've learned these past 3 months. Maybe I should write a book or something. What an amazing journey! But one thing I have learned (or at least begun to learn...never again do I want to fall into thinking I have it all figured out) is what a relationship with Jesus really is. When you start to understand that in many ways Jesus DOES make sense, and he is NOT the author of chaos and confusion, you begin to realize how much He loves you. YOU! Personally, YOU! And that He would never give you cancer, just like a loving Father would never do anything to hurt their own child. Once that is established, He is someone you want to know, want to talk to, want to ask questions of. He says that those who seek Him will find Him, and I guess I never believed that to be true. I stopped seeking long ago, because I thought all I would find was someone I couldn't understand. I am not afraid to know Him anymore, because His perfect love has driven out all fear. I know I can trust Him each and every day.

One example of this is the PET scan I had Friday. Inquiring minds want to know "When will you find out? Are you nervous?" and my honest answers are "I don't know" and "If I let my mind wander and ponder it too much, yeah a little." But then I just go to Jesus and say "Jesus, I'm nervous about the results. But you promised to heal me. So I shouldn't be nervous, should I? Help me with my unbelief." And then I go about my day, taking care of Eva, seeing friends & family, and enjoying the abundant life that God has given me. What a gift it is to get to know Jesus!!!

I have some other exciting news unrelated to my health. Those of you on Facebook may already know. The offer on our house was accepted yesterday! We have no reason to think things won't progress smoothly, and we should close by July 23rd. I may have mentioned before that I believe God provided this house for us. So many things have fallen into place, and so quickly! It's just been amazing. When you realize God is in the details, you stop worrying and start praising Him for what He's done. It is so freeing!

Thank you all for your continued prayers. Here are a few things I'd like specific prayer for:
1. We need to return our rental car this week, and we can't buy a new one until after we close on the house. We do have some options to get us through in the interim, but none of them are ideal so I'm praying that God will take care of this detail.
2. A pure childlike faith for both me and Matt

Thank you!!

PET Scan, etc

Thanks all for your prayers today. The PET scan went well. No results yet, but we wait with joyful expectancy. I told one of the techs, Natalie, that I was healed, and she seemed really interested in what I had to say. She told me I should write a book or a journal or something. I told her I have a blog. :)

After they injected me with the radioactive glucose (seriously?) I had to lay still for an hour in a room by myself. I prayed, commanding any last tumor cells to leave my body in Jesus' name and then I dozed off. Natalie came back in after the hour was up and said, "Did you tell those tumor cells they had better leave your body before this scan?" I thought that was an awesome thing for her to ask, since I hadn't told her that's exactly what I had planned to do. Ha, or maybe they have a camera in that room. I hadn't thought of that until just now. :)

After the PET scan I had an appointment with a nurse practitioner named Lindsey. I hadn't met her before today. She's very nice.

She said that my blood counts look great. I then asked her if they'd tested my tumor markers. Now, at a previous appointment with Dr. Johnson, he said that "some went up and some went down." Ideally, he'd like to see them all come down. I found out more specifics from Lindsey today. She said that they've been looking at 4 separate markers. Two of the 4 have been trending down, but the other two have gone up. For the two that have been trending down, I don't have today's results yet because they have to send them out. But on the two that have been going up, she said, "I just looked at these numbers, and they've come down...well, I don't like to use the word substantially, but they've come down...a lot!" I asked her for specifics, and there was one that was over 400 two weeks ago that has come down to 100-something and the other was up over 200, and is now at 85. (Note: for those of you who are reading this and are oncology professionals, you're probably frustrated with my idea of "specific". I know one of these markers was the CEA, and I think the other was CA 19-9, but I can't be sure. Sorry!)

I asked Lindsey if this was what they would expect to see, and she said, "Well, this is very, um...I'm very excited about this, and I know Dr. Johnson will be too."

Thank you Lord Jesus for your kindness...for giving me more proof of what I am believing. By your stripes, I have been healed! (1 Peter 2:24)

Wow, there is so much more I would like to write about, but my dear sweet husband is home tonight after working almost 70 hours this week, and the princess is sleeping so I am going to go spend some much needed time with him.

Love to you all!

Oh, and I almost forgot. I think I changed my settings so now anyone can post comments, not just those who sign up. Just a reminder, if you do post a comment, please please sign your name so I know who you are. Thank you!!

Beautiful Day

I'm feeling back to myself!! I am so grateful. The aftermath of chemo is rather unpleasant. Okay, I'm being nice. It SUCKS!!! Sorry, had to complain. There, I'm done.

Last night I went to a get together with MOPS moms. It was great to just hang out and be normal. The women are so wonderful. Did I mention that they're paying for housecleaning for me for the summer? Isn't that just so amazing?

Today was a grand day. I was extremely motivated this morning, so I straightened the house, did laundry, cleaned out the fridge...all the stuff I have been neglecting since I've been pretty much on the couch (or - at the risk of being too crude - the toilet) for the past 10 days. After my cleaning spree, I went to my grandma's house and spent time with my family. My dear cousin Gina is in town from Denver so I got to see her there. Then Gina came over to our place and Matt, Gina and I took Eva for her first swim. She LOVED the water. At first she seemed a little unsure, but then she started splashing around. It was adorable. I love watching her discover new things. After the swim and dinner, Matt went to work (he's on night shift this week) and my brother Michael and cousins Emily and Paul came over. It's so nice to spend time with the people I love. :) I just wish Matt could have been here too.

I've saved the most exciting news for last. We found time last night to go see a house that we've been interested in for a while now. We absolutely love it, and are working on an offer!!! We're so excited. Matt and I both feel like it's just too good to be true how everything is falling into place with this house (I'll share some details at a future time), but as I told Matt yesterday, "I'm starting to realize that we have a God of 'too good to be trues.'"

Anyway, I should probably think about sleeping soon. Thanks so much for reading. I keep hearing about people that I've never met who read my blog, and I am always just awed that so many people want to read what I have to say. I hope I get to meet you all someday! And keep coming back. The best is yet to come!

Just a few random thoughts...

A quick update on my hair. It seems to have either stopped falling out or considerably slowed. But the damage is done. There's not much left. It looks quite freakish, and I have trouble looking at it as there's quite a bit of scalp showing. I've been wearing bandanas ($1 from Walmart!). Last night, Matt asked to see it so I finally let him. It was hard. I cried for a minute or so, but he hugged me and told me I looked cute in bandanas. He's such a sweetheart. Here's a picture of me getting chemo last Friday. (Eva and my mom went with me.)New subject: I wanted to share something that has just been so powerful to me. It's a 20-some minute-long testimony about a little girl that was miraculously healed a couple years ago. If you're having trouble believing that healing really happens today, or if you just want to hear an awesome story, take the time to watch this. I watched it during chemo last week. Oh, and I actually met this little girl's dad (Ashley Terradez) when I went to that Andrew Wommack conference the day we got back from Houston.

http://www.awmi.net/extra/healing/hannah

Have great days, all!

By His Wounds

1 Peter 2:24
He himself bore our sins in his body on the tree, so that we might die to sins and live for righteousness; by his wounds you have been healed.

When I first started this journey, I had never before understood that Jesus took our diseases as well as our sin when he died on the cross for us. I know this idea can be (and is) widely argued, but let me just say that I am an analytical person. I do not accept new viewpoints without thoroughly checking them out. So I've checked this out. I think the most convincing proof for me is that the people who believe this are miraculously healed. I am one of them.

Yes, I am ready to declare it. I have been healed! When I first found out that I had the PET scan scheduled for the 25th of June, I felt fear. I wanted to believe that I would be healed by then, but what if I wasn't? Then I'd need more chemo. And I didn't want more chemo! (honestly, chemo is awful). So I thought, I'll just need to pray really really hard that I'll be healed by then.

Then God spoke to me about this. As you can see in 1 Peter, it says by His wounds you have been healed. Past tense. I need to believe it, and accept my healing by faith. Once I realized this, I prayed that God would give me a pure childlike faith, free of doubt.

I know that some of you don't know me. And many of you do know me. And either way, I understand if you're thinking, "Oh, poor Rachel. Why not just wait for the scan? Why take a risk of saying you're already healed when you don't have any proof? You're setting yourself up for disappointment. Worse yet, you could make God look bad." Or perhaps, "Saying it or not saying it isn't going to change the outcome of the scan. Why set yourself up like this?"

Here's why: Mark 11:24 says: Therefore I tell you, whatever you ask for in prayer, believe that you have received it, and it will be yours.

Granted, I could just believe in my heart (and not tell all of you on my blog). That would at least keep anyone from being uncomfortable about my claim. But I reasoned in my head (see, I still am a reasonable person) that if the doctors said I was healed, I would rush to tell everyone. And I believe God more than doctors, and if He says I am healed, then I am healed. So there you have it.

Of course I still have "What ifs" pop up in my mind. But I don't entertain them. I get rid of them with the Word of God.

I am listening to Nichole Nordeman's song "Healed" right now. The lyrics are below. At my "I'm Healed" party that I previously mentioned, I plan to sing this. Or (dare I dream?) maybe Nichole Nordeman herself would come and sing it for us! Okay, now maybe I am losing it. :)
*********
Healed

Oh, We stutter and we stammer till You save us
A symphony of chaos till You play us
Phrases on the pages of unknown
‘Til You read us into poetry and prose
We are kept and we are captive till You free us
Vaguely unimagined ‘til You dream us
Aimlessly unguided ‘til You lead us home

CHORUS:
By Your voice we speak
By Your strength no longer weak
We are no longer weak
And by Your wounds we are healed
And by Your wounds we are healed

Passed over and passed by until you claim us
Orphaned and abandoned ‘til you name us
Hidden and disclosed ‘til you expose you hearts

CHORUS:
By your death we live
It is by your gift that we might give
That we might give
And by your wounds we are healed
And by your wounds we are healed

What kind of love would take your
shame and spill his blood for you
Save us by His wounds
By your wounds, we are healed
By your wounds, we are healed
What kind of love
By your wounds, we are healed
Tell me what kind of love is this
By your wounds, we are healed.

No worries :)

I've heard some folks are concerned about my well being since I haven't updated in a while. I just wanted to let you know that I am okay. I've been resting as much as possible after the chemo treatment Friday. Chemo is not a pleasant experience.

I want to ask you all for prayer. I have a CT scan scheduled for 6/25. I am beginning to believe that this could be the scan that declares me cancer free. I am asking God for this and believing, because there is no way that chemotherapy is God's best for me. I do not believe chemo is going to cure me. I believe that only God will do that. So why continue treatment? I do have an answer, but it must remain personal for now...so I just ask for your prayers.

Mark 11:24 Therefore I tell you, whatever you ask for in prayer, believe that you have received it, and it will be yours.

It's Just Hair...

It's just hair, right? It's not coming out in clumps, but it is coming out...everywhere! My wonderful stylist Wendi cut it short for me on Friday (see picture below) when I really noticed it coming out (and either she or someone else paid for it...not sure, but she wouldn't take money. She said it was taken care of. Have I mentioned how incredibly touched I am by everyone's generosity???). So now at least there's not long strands everywhere...just short ones.



I still don't know if I'll lose it completely or if it's just thinning. I just wish I knew what it was going to do, because this is very annoying. I am sick of untangling strands from Eva's fingers. If I KNEW I'd lose it, I'd probably just go get it shaved one of these days and start wearing a wig. But Dr. V said it would just thin, that I wouldn't lose it. And Dr. Johnson said I would lose it. So who knows. I hate to even spend this much time blogging about hair. I know that it's not that big of a deal. It grows back. I am being healed from cancer!!! What is hair in comparison with that? But it still is hard. I am committed to being honest with all of my readers, and this is not an exception. I LIKE my hair. Even more than that, I hate the thought of Matt having a bald wife.

Okay, on a happy note, we're looking at houses!! It's so exciting to think that in just a few months we will be homeowners. When I first was diagnosed, this was one thing I was very upset about. I didn't see how we could possibly think about buying a house when the future was so uncertain. But now that I know I am being healed, I have no hesitation about buying a house that we can grow old in together. It makes me so happy.

Also, I have been using my imagination a lot to picture myself well and whole, fully recovered. In doing so, I decided something. Once the doctors declare me cancer free (and I believe this will happen sooner than later) we will have the biggest party EVER! Every single blog reader will be invited, everyone who stayed with me through chemo, hung out with me, cooked a meal, cleaned my house, watched Eva, prayed for me, etc. (I think that means everyone I know and many who I don't know will be invited.) :) And it will be the most grand opportunity to give God the glory for what He has done, for He is my Healer, the giver of life, and I believe that He loves parties!

Alrighty, that's all for now. Have a good day. :)

Good Report

I had labs today and a visit with the nurse practitioner. All of my blood work came back great! I'm slightly anemic (I was even before chemo started), but my platelets are on the way up so that's a good thing.

Ah, but that's not the "good report" I have titled this entry after. The good report has to do with my back pain. Let me just give a quick recap of the story of the pain since I really don't know how much I've shared up until this point. I apologize if I'm repeating a lot of what you already know.

Over the past 6 or so weeks, up until the day of my chemo (Friday 6/21) my back pain had gone from slight (almost just an annoyance) to fairly severe. It was keeping me up at night and more than once I'd get out of bed to spend some time on the massage pad or with a heating pad. I went from taking Ibuprofen just at bed time to taking it throughout each day. Two weeks ago Wednesday, I found myself literally watching the clock to see when I could take my next dose. When I saw the doctor the next day (Thursday, the day before chemo) and told him about my pain, he wrote me scripts for Vicodin and Morphine. The one part I hadn't told anyone yet is that if I ate too fast, I felt like food was getting caught in my throat. I don't know how everything is connected in there, but it felt like whatever was pushing on nerves and causing the back pain was also causing this difficulty swallowing. (I would have told the doctor had it persisted.) I also felt full when I ate even just a little bit. There was a point toward the end there where I told Matt "I don't think I can hold Eva against me anymore. It hurts too much."

Dr. Varadhachary at M.D. Anderson had explained the reason for the pain. There was a lymph node in my abdomen swollen from cancer to about 4 inches in diameter.

Two weeks ago Wednesday (the day where I was watching the clock to take my Ibuprofen) is when I went to Madison to visit my old boss and friend Jacque who was miraculously healed by God last summer. I spent a wonderful afternoon with her catching up, and then we went to meet her friend Roger at church. Roger had prayed for her through her health issues last summer, and refused to believe that she would die even when the doctors said they had done all that they could. Not only did she not die, she is in amazing health now! Well, Roger, an elder at Lake City Church in Madison anointed me with oil and he and Jacque prayed in faith for my healing (meaning they prayed that I would be healed and believed that it would happen). I drove home that night in some pretty bad pain.

One thing Jacque had told me is that during her health struggles, she had a low point where even though she believed she would be healed, numbers from her blood work all came back with negative results. She asked God to show her that He was working. She had a vision of her kidneys unshriveling and her arteries opening. She believed God for what He had shown her, and her health was restored.

So on that Thursday two weeks ago - the day after Roger and Jacque had prayed for me - as my pain persisted, I prayed that God would show me something like He had shown Jacque. Now, I'm not one to say God told me this or God told me that just because I get an idea, but that day God told me that my 4 inch lymph node was now 3 inches. I'm not making this up. I told a few people about this (my mom and brother I think) but no one else, because duh...they'd think I was nuts.

That same day, I saw the doctor. That's when he gave me the scripts for Vicodin and Morphine. I didn't get them filled. Trust me, I'm not anti-medicine. I still had pain, but somehow I just didn't think I needed them.

That night, the night before chemo began, I had pain like never before. I was up during the night for a couple of hours, writhing on the couch. I put on some channel that shows scripture verses and pretty pictures from nature, and I just tried to get to sleep. I kept telling myself that God was healing me, but it sure didn't feel like healing! My physical pain was causing me to have some real anger, and I am pretty sure I punched the couch a time or two.

The next day was when I got my port put in and started chemo. While I was laying in the hospital being prepped for the surgery (by the amazing Polly and Kim) I noticed that my pain was different, even though it was still there. It had moved...shrunk. It had previously been engulfing my entire back and wrapping around to the front. Now it was centralized in one spot on my back, on my left side. It was still intense, but the fact that it wasn't everywhere was a relief. I hadn't taken any pain meds that morning because of the surgery, so it wasn't medicine that was making it better.

That afternoon I had chemo. At one point during chemo I had them bring me a warm blanket for my back (the pain was still only in that one spot). After that, it went away completely. That was while I was still there, in the hospital, with the chemo going into my body. I didn't think too much of the pain being gone because I figured I'd probably gotten all kinds of crazy meds for the port placement. But at one point I realized that my neck/chest hurt where they had put the port, but my back didn't hurt. I took some Tylenol for my neck. I think I took it one other time for the pain at the port site, but otherwise I have been completely off of pain meds since that day. I have also been completely free of the back pain, the difficulty swallowing, and the pressure.

Okay, well that was quite the recap. I'm glad I did that. It helped me organize some of it in my own brain. Hopefully you're not too bored. The best is yet to come. :)

Obviously, I've been grateful for the pain relief. I thank God every single day for it, multiple times a day. I had been hoping this meant His healing had begun in my body, but I just wasn't sure.

I have told my medical team about my pain being gone, and they seemed happy about it. I still wasn't sure though if it was something they expected to happen so soon. I know Dr. V had told me I would know before anyone else if the chemo was working because the pain would lessen, but I didn't expect it to happen so quickly. And to have it change to that one spot even before I started the chemo seemed so weird. I wanted some clarification about that.

So today I explained the whole thing to Melissa, the NP. I wish I'd had a tape recorder there so I could share with you verbatim what she said. My mother-in-law was with me, and just so you know I did ask her to verify that my recall of the conversation was correct. :) Melissa said that first of all, there is no way that the pain would be gone without the shrinking of the lymph node. That is the only way there would be pain relief. She also said that when she heard my pain was gone last week, she ran immediately to tell Dr. Johnson. They were very happy to hear this. She said it was beyond what they expected. She explained that with chemo, they usually expect pain to get worse before it gets better because things will get more inflamed before they shrink. She said it would normally be about 10 days before they'd see any pain relief. The instant relief that I had, she said, was "miraculous." Miraculous!!!

So here's what I know now. God's healing has begun in my body!!! I had to share with you all, because I'm so excited. I just can't wait for more miracles to take place. I hope you're as encouraged by this as I am.

^{Psalm 103
1} Praise the LORD, O my soul;
all my inmost being, praise his holy name.

² Praise the LORD, O my soul,
and forget not all his benefits-

³ who forgives all your sins
and heals all your diseases,

⁴ who redeems your life from the pit
and crowns you with love and compassion,

⁵ who satisfies your desires with good things
so that your youth is renewed like the eagle's.

Call for Prayers

This just in: A dear woman, Karylmary from St. Monica's is doing a Leukemia and Lymphoma ride in Lake Tahoe June 6th, and would like to carry your prayers for me during her ride!

Just send your prayers via email to my mother-in-law Jeanette (jkirchner@sbcglobal.net) by mid-day on Wednesday June 2nd and she will print them out and get them to Karylmary for the ride.

Thanks so much for participating!!!

My Healer

I have been wanting to write a bit about this for a while now, and I just don't even know how to put into words what I want to say. I hope that what I say comes across as real and true, because it's been more real than anything I've ever experienced in my life.

I've been a Christian for most of my life, but I've never experienced this day to day all-encompassing care and love that God has been showing me. In the weirdest way, life is better now than it has ever been before. And this is why I worry that this post will not sound truthful. How could life be better when I have a possibly "incurable" cancer? When life is spinning out of control? When each day brings about crazy unknowns and new challenges that I never expected I would experience? Here's how: up until this point, I have underestimated God. I now realize and confess that have always thought of Him as my "ticket to heaven", and while I have always been grateful for His sacrifice for me, I have rarely considered the implications of following an all-powerful supernatural God in this life.

One huge implication that I have been learning about is that God HEALS! I am talking about real supernatural physical healing. I have learned that God does not bring sickness to people, and it is not His will for me (or for anyone) to be sick. This is a huge shift from what I've always believed. Two months ago when I first heard "cancer", I rushed to resign myself to the fact that I was sick, and that God has brought this illness to me to teach me something. While I tried to accept it, something about that viewpoint didn't match up with what I knew about the character of God. So I've sought truth, and I've found it. (Not that I've grasped the whole truth, but I am certainly farther along than I was 2 months ago). God does not bring sickness. God HEALS! I am so excited for His healing to manifest itself in my body (perhaps it already has) so that I can show anyone and everyone in my circle of influence that I serve an AMAZINGLY GOOD God who not only has the power to heal physically, but the power to do eternally more than that.

Psalm 118:17
I shall not die, but live, and declare the works of the LORD.

Sunny Days

It has been so beautiful outside! That makes me happy. :)

Thank you to everyone who has signed up on the Lotsa Helping Hands website. There seemed to be a little confusion about next steps, so I apologize. I should have clarified...by signing up, you're just putting your name on a list of volunteers. Eventually (soon?) I'll get my calendar up there and you'll have the opportunity to choose to help with certain tasks on certain days. I just haven't gotten that far yet.

A quick Eva update. I'm pretty sure she's teething. She gnaws on everything! And she started giggling. Oh, the joys!!! Have I mentioned that I love her?

Last night I had an MRI and then Matt and I went out to dinner. His parents stayed with Eva so we could have a date night. We went to Qdoba. :) So romantic, I know. But we were both exhausted, and just wanted something quick. Still it was such a treat to spend a few minutes with him and talk about things. We rarely get a chance to do that.

Today I had a doctor appointment. No real news on that front. Blood counts are pretty good, but platelets are a little low. My MRI results aren't back yet from the radiologist, but my oncologist looked at the pictures and said he doesn't see anything abnormal, so I guess that's good. I'm not entirely sure why they've waited this long to do an MRI.

I'm having some rather unpleasant effects from the chemo relating to my stomach. No details necessary, but it's seriously not fun. Ugh.

Oh, a few people have asked if I'll lose my hair. The doctors aren't sure.

I think I've forgotten to mention that a friend (Erin) is pumping extra breast milk and giving it to me for Eva. Isn't that amazing? I am just so touched by that. And then yesterday, my friend Taylor fixed the side mirror on the car. (Thank you SO much, Taylor!) We were just hanging out afterward while I fed Eva, and somehow got on the topic of breast milk vs. formula. (He has a 2 month old daughter). Turns out, his girlfriend Alisha had a freezer full of breast milk she had pumped and wasn't going to use. She was either going to donate it or throw it away, so she gave it to me!!! Erin, Taylor and Alisha, you are my angels.

Well, I think that's all for now. Today is day 7 without back pain! Thank you Jesus!!

Offers of Help...Calling them in! :)

Your offers of help have been overwhelming in the best way and, and I'm finally getting a grasp on the need to have an official way to coordinate everything. If you're interested, there's a website you can sign up on that will eventually house a calendar with all upcoming events that we need help with. The first step is just getting a group of volunteers signed up. Go to this link to add yourself, if you are interested.

http://www.lotsahelpinghands.com/c/626581/login/

For me to ask for help in this way would have been difficult just a year ago (rather, it was difficult when I was so sick from being pregnant) but God has broken my stubborn spirit in the best way, and is teaching me that there are just some things you can't do alone! (Cancer, chemo and caring for an infant is just one example.)

Just know that one day (soon!) I will be back to health and willing to help any and all of you in whatever way I can. Not because I feel I have to repay you, but because I have been so blessed by each and every one of you that it will be my pleasure.

Happy 1st Birthday Anna!

Here's a picture of our niece Anna eating her cake. Ahhh, I love it! :) She's such a doll. Happy 1st Birthday, Anna!

And here's a picture of us at dinner. It was so nice to get out of the house and go somewhere other than the hospital!

Chemo update

Chemo kicked my butt for a couple of days, but now I'm on my way to fighting back with a vengeance. I went in today and my blood counts all look great! The nurse seemed overly pleased with this...as if she didn't expect them to look as good as they did. Thanks be to God!

I lost some weight, so they gave me IV fluids and changed my anti-nausea meds. I am currently eating a big bowl of mac and cheese from Noodles, and it tastes SO good.

I noticed during the days I was sick from chemo that it's hard for me to fight back against the sickness emotionally, so I ask for your prayers especially during those times. I want to hate this cancer and the place it has in my body with every ounce of my being, but when I am so fatigued it's hard to do much of anything with a passion.

Thanks to Liz for watching Eva on Friday, to my mom and brother and grandma who were with me over the weekend, and to Aunt Cheryl who was with me yesterday and to Jessica who was with me today, and to Karen (my mother-in-law's cousin) who made me the most gorgeous quilt! I am so touched by all of your kindness. And thank you to everyone who offered to help after we already had the days covered. You're all amazing! Thank you for being the hands and feet of Jesus.

Along Came Polly

Yesterday was a long day. I have often wondered over the course of the past 6 weeks why the journey has been so long up until now. Don't most people with cancer get diagnosed and then begin treatment right away? I believe there are many reasons, most of which I just don't understand, as to why things are the way they are with me. Yesterday though, God reminded me of the best blessing this journey has brought thus far, and that is the amazing people I've met along the way. Yesterday was no exception.

The morning began with my mom and me at the hospital to get my port and then start chemo. We were both very broken as we sat waiting for things to begin. Mom looked up "healed" on Bible Gateway, and just read me verses. While we both believe my healing will come, we had hoped and prayed it would come before chemo started. As it became clear that was not going to be the case, we were both discouraged.

Enter my nurses, Polly and Kim. Both of their lives have been touched by cancer (Polly's brother-in-law, and Kim herself). They were full of amazing encouragement. Polly gave us many resources to explore, as her brother-in-law's cancer was also unknown primary. You know, I don't even know how to explain how it changed things to have met them, but my mom said it felt as though Jesus was right there with us and I think that's the best way to describe it.

My port was placed without any issue. I found out from Polly before going into surgery that my surgeon is a Christian who will pray over his patients before starting surgery. I asked him to pray for me, and he said he would. They also let me keep my Bible with me as I fell asleep for surgery. I don't know if it was there the whole time, but when I woke up in recovery, I had it with me again.

My chemo took about 5 hours after the port was placed. I was getting discouraged again, so I decided to watch some healing testimonies. Can I just say that up until 6 weeks ago, I didn't understand why God doesn't heal today. I asked for wisdom in that area, and I have learned SO much, even without really seeking it out. I have just sought God, and He answered me. In one little blog post, I can't even begin to convey what I've learned. But here's a little bit.

1. God DOES heal today. I have seen and heard some amazing stories of it.
2. God WANTS to heal everyone.
3. God WILL heal me.

There, I said it! I have felt up until now that it would come across as arrogant for me to say this. But it's not arrogance. It is confidence. For those of you who don't believe, I will not try to convince you. All I will say is wait and see...wait and see.

In the meantime, I am already experiencing nausea which I'm guessing is from chemo though they didn't think it would start this early. I'm eating when I can, pushing fluids, and keeping up with my anti-nausea meds. I go in next week for IV fluids, as well as blood work and an MRI. The days I have to go are Tuesday, Thursday and Friday. If anyone is free those days to either go with me, or watch Eva I would be forever grateful!! Just email me and let me know.

Oh, and some very exciting news! I have not taken pain meds since 9 p.m. last night and that was just Tylenol. My back pain is gone completely. Thank you Jesus!